Christmas 2018 – Part 2

The next morning, the day after Christmas, I had to be in early at our place of business.  During the late morning, my daughter calls me to ask if I’m aware that Dad has taken off and is driving around (very oddly) down south a bit.

Yes.  I’m aware.  I had been tracking him.  You see…when you have lived with this for so long, you know the patterns.  You know what to expect…to a certain extent.  I knew it (he) was brewing up to something of this nature.  This typically means for him to disappear, not tell anyone, turn everything off, shut the world out and leave his family continually wondering what’s going to happen!

The sad part of this is, it really doesn’t affect us in the same way anymore.  Faith and I were discussing how we, for the most part, are really not in panic and extreme anxiety mode anymore.  We talked about how it has happened so many times before, that we are really numb to it.  We discussed just how sad that really was.  I mean, if he’s going to do something really stupid, we are not going to be able to stop him!  We really do care, otherwise we wouldn’t be tracking him and reaching out to him.  But we are ultimately NOT responsible for his actions.  Only ours.

So….I did text him this @ 3pm: “If you would be up to talk tonight, I would like to talk.  I think there was much miscommunication & misunderstanding that transpired & we were all quite tired last night to talk.  Getting a good night rest was the best before talking.  Thoughts?”

No response.  Continued to track what he was doing.  Very odd behavior this time.  Did end up checking into a very sketchy motel about an hour south of where we live.  No replying to anyone.  As usual, just shut himself off from the world.  But I did know where he was at!

Because I (we) do care about him and his well-being, I contacted a very good friend of his that lives close to where he was at.  I gave him the location and asked if he could go to the motel.  I told him I wasn’t sure what he ultimately would be walking in to?  His past events of this nature have ended up with him trying to commit suicide or harm himself in some way.  Most likely he would be very intoxicated and unapproachable.  Which is why it would not be a good idea for either Faith or myself to go.  He said, “Yes!” And went to the motel.  JD ended up going back to this friends house and staying the night.  Which was a good thing.

Each time these events happen, it brings us back to some extreme memorable events.  The stress, anxiety and panic is over the top and creates such a level of stress that I seriously can’t even describe it!  But in the same token, each time these events unfold, the overall feelings are lessened….we are numb to it now.  Not good!

So, the next day……

I was at the office when JD ended up eventually coming home.  We had not told the boys anything of what transpired the evening before.  Just that he had hung out with his friend and spent the night.  Didn’t feel like getting into the whole ordeal with them.  Remember, been through this before, and the need to fill everyone in is so not necessary.

Faith was leaving on the 31st for a study abroad program for 21 days.  I was NOT going to let her leave with the home in this state.  I would do what was necessary to have her leave from a positive environment.  So….that meant me sucking it up and doing what was necessary to smooth this over.

That evening, when JD was in the TV room, I went in and apologized for everything that transpired.  I took the full responsibility for it.  EVEN though I did not feel as though I needed to.  I really felt like this was more on him.  But I also know that it is the Christian thing to do.  It’s not about who’s right or wrong…I knew I needed to think of someone other than me or my husband.  I needed to think about Faith and her leaving for Europe for 21 days!!

So I apologized.  Without needing to hear it reciprocated.  It seemed as if it fell on deaf ears.  Not much of a response.  So I calmly left the room.  Not harsh words were spoken that evening, not much of anything transpired.  We all, as a family watched a movie together.

Later the next day, JD did also apologize and for the first time in a long time, held me like everything was going to be okay.  It was a bit out of the ordinary.  But welcomed!

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Christmas 2018 Part 1

It’s been awhile since my last post (journal entry)!

Why?

Well….one reason is because about a year ago, the Bible study I was in, the gals voiced their opinion on how I really shouldn’t keep a “so-called” record of all the crappy stuff.  Why would I do that? They asked.  I said because it’s part of my testimony and “my life” and my way of journaling.  Yada-Yada-Yada.

However, every time I would sit to write, I would almost feel guilty.

And now……I NEED to write.  I NEED to put these accounts into words for myself.  To get them out of my mind, into written form and process.  I really haven’t processed much of what has transpired.

I’m in survival mode!!!!!!!!!

There has been so much that has transpired.  I’m not going to write about everything in this post.  Just some events which happened in the past couple of days.

Christmas time.

Unfortunately, Christmas…..well December…..has become one of those times – months that I wish I could just skip right by.  Sorry…..I really don’t like this time of year!

Yep…..I know the significance of it!  I know it is to be celebrated for the birth of our Savior!  And I treasure that aspect of it!  The last few years we have purposely scaled back on gifts and busyness.  And that has been successful and a blessing!

It’s memories of the past, which I believe mostly subconsciously, creep back in the steal joy.  Especially when events happen that bring me physically and emotionally back to past times.  Times that were not so pleasant.

We have not been to JD’s family for Christmas for almost 10 years.  For multiple reasons.  It would become so chaotic and stressful with all the family drama, the drinking that occurred and the true meaning of Christmas is, quite frankly, lost.  We didn’t want my Mom to spend Christmas alone, so it was nice to have her here for Christmas and use that as part of our reasoning for not going to JD’s family.

This year……my Mom was not going to be coming over for Christmas.  And we all decided it would be a good idea to go to JD’s family.  We actually had it all worked out to surprise his Mom & Dad.  We drove 2 cars, so Faith and I could go back earlier the next day (Christmas Day).  We have dogs that our neighbor graciously was looking after until we arrived back home.

I knew there was going to be drinking.  We had been at his sisters a couple of weeks before and there was drinking involved.  JD had some, and I did as well.  We have been drinking on occasion lately, but I’ll get to more on that in another post.

Before we went down, we discussed just what it would look like.  A couple of beers, no hard liquor and keeping it to a minimum.  Especially since our kids were present as well.

So at this point, I assumed everything was copesetic!  Right!?

WRONG!

We attended church service with his brother.  A very nice service.  Actually I was rather emotional at the service and even after.  After church service, we came back to his sister’s.  That’s where everyone gathers for Christmas Eve.  It was just us, his sister and her husband at this time.

I rounded the corner in the kitchen and JD was pouring a straight up whisky low-ball on ice.  I was taken by surprise and apparently I had a look as such on my face.  However, JD took this look as me being over-the-top upset.  Which I wasn’t, I was surprised.

This one moment in time set the stage for the rest of the evening and the next day.

JD will not hold back on his undercutting comments towards me.  And if there is an audience, primarily if it’s his family, he will let the comments rip.  Which is exactly what he did!  So much so, that at one point, I quietly went downstairs into the bathroom and cried.  Regrouped and pulled myself together.  Knowing I was in for quite a Christmas Eve time!  I had decided I wasn’t going to let him dictate if I was going to have a good time or not.  So I just rolled with the night.  Let him make his comments and didn’t fuel it by saying anything back.  For the most part, just didn’t partake in any conversation with him or respond to his comments.

Then…..the end of the night came.  The nasty comments increased and we ended up in a rather large fight.  He took off, intending to go to his parents house to sleep, but they didn’t answer the door.  However, we didn’t know this was his intention.  He turned his phone off and didn’t say anything to anyone.  Taking into consideration this has happened numerous times and has put each of his family members in a state of panic and deep anxiety….this set in again!  The overwhelming fear of what he’s going to do to himself.

He certainly did get an earful from his daughter when he came back. But he ripped into me even further.  Saying how I ruined the entire Christmas and how I was so awful for what I did that evening.  How dare I to ruin probably the only time we’ll be back with his family during Christmas like this.  WOW!

However, even through all what had transpired that evening.  After he had come back and was downstairs, I went down to try to talk.

He turned to me and said, “I don’t want to hear anything from you!”  Walked past me, went into the bathroom and slammed the door.  I waited until he was done.  He exited and went to lay down on the couch.  I followed and again tried to talk.  He said, “You can say anything you would like, I have nothing to say to you!”  So I proceeded to explain  and talk about the night and what transpired.  Stating I was never mad, anygry or upset.  And started to discuss his comments towards me.  And it was at that point he told me to just leave and he was done.

I went upstairs.  Went to bed.  Tried to fall asleep.  Wasn’t really successful as I was too upset.  Morning came.  I was cordial.  Left with Faith as soon as we could.

JD and the boys returned home later that evening.  We all gathered in the front room and opened up a few gifts we had forgotten to take with.  It was cordial.  We did stuff as a family and there was no fighting.

The next day I had to go into our office and work.

Part 2 coming………


So……

You know when you’ve tried just about everything you know possible to help, researched every area of the World Wide Web, books, and individuals to find out WHAT in the world to do!?!?!?

Well……that’s where I’m at right now!  Just wait…..it’ll probably change tomorrow.  Heck, it’ll probably change in the next hour!

Isn’t that how we all feel?  Like every part of our lives typically change with the wind?

I’ve been involved in 2 Bible studies.  One for many months.  It began as an 11 week study, but it has transpired into a group of 4 women and has been so good!  We have come to realize we are just all hot messes doing life together!

The other study I’m leading and my daughter is also involved.  This also has been amazing!  So praise God!!

These women have encouraged me, lifted me up and been my support line.  Other than God!

I have been completely transparent about my life and the hot mess it is.  If you know the song “Even If” by Mercy Me……that’s me and my life!  I usually cry every time I hear it.

With all that being said, my life does change on a dime.  And navigating it lately has been so overwhelming!  So much so that I did end up going to the hospital.  Which if you knew me personally, you would know it was pretty serious for me to go in!  I DON’T LIKE HOSPITALS OR DOCTORS!  AND I don’t have the time to be the one ill and on my back in a hospital bed!  REALLY….everything will completely fall apart!

So what’s going on?  Remember how I just mentioned research and doing just about anything?

Well…..that’s what we did.  The just about anything!

Hoping to have results and move past the absolute destruction of addiction issues.  Past the addiction of prescription medications.  Move forward to……well SOMETHING different!

I’m losing my mind!  (Even with my Bible study gals!). I feel so trapped!  Trapped in a life that doesn’t seem to ever change, or even let up!  Trapped in a constant state of chaos!  Trapped with a feeling of no hope!

I truly thought that the most recent treatment was going to change our life!  My disappointment in the fact that it hasn’t is so devastating!

There ARE some positives to it!  TRULY….there are!  JD is not on any of the following and has no desire:

Suboxone

OxyContin

Kratom

Alcohol

But he still has extreme and debilitating depression.  Which he has been taking medication for this for the past 18 years.  And recently he started taking Vyvance (Adderall) again because he had no energy or desire to do ANYTHING!

However, he still has NO desire to do anything.  Or he is too depressed.  Or his body hurts too bad to do anything.

However, I do seem to be able to run our business, homeschool 2 of our children, involved in 2 Bible studies & try to maintain some order to the house…..all the while having numerous migraines and stress related anxiety!

This is why I’m losing it!  Because I just can’t maintain it!

I have such resentment and anger inside because of all this!  And he gets upset with me because he feels as if I don’t care about how he feels.  I truly do….but I am at capacity to even have time to care for myself.

I have prayed so much about what to do…..and I don’t have any direction or answers.

I really feel so alone!  I can’t share anything with my husband because he can’t “handle” any type of stress.  So I just hold it all in!

And then end up in the hospital!  That’s actually not funny….but true!  And all the while I was there (a whole 4 hours!!) I kept thinking about ALL the stuff I could be doing!!

I really can’t wait until the day in heaven to know why He hasn’t moved these mountains!  I know there is a reason!  I know He’s at work!  And I know he doesn’t waste a hurt!


Update August 2017

It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted!  And there has been A LOT of events, blessings, not-so-much blessings, progress and regress since the last postings regarding Battling the beast!

Still in the battle!  However, I have much to report on gaining ground!

So……I’m going to summarize much of the past to bring current and focus on the current state of progress.

January 2017: Sold a portion of one of our businesses.

June 2017: JD went off deep end again.  Drank entire bottle of hard liquor, took an extensive amount of pills (suicide) and ended up in the hospital.

May 2017: I went back full-time in our business.  Had to let my mother go from our business.  She was doing the books.  The books and accounting is majorly screwed up.  Found most of this during a recent sales tax audit.  And if any of you have gone through a sales tax audit….you know how stressful this can be!!

9/9/16: JD and I had a major blow-out, he left and was driving extremely fast and recklessly, indicated suicide, called daughter in college, tracked him and had police pull him over.

7/4/16: JD was drinking on the 4th of July.  I had an over the top psychotic episode (which scared the crap out of ME!)  I drove off in our RV late that night and stayed away for 3 days.

6/22/16: I had an extreme episode of explosion!

9/7/15: Suicide attempt.

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11/24/15:

EMAIL MESSAGES:

—— Original Message ——
From: Alli
To: JD
Sent: November 24, 2015 at 11:13 AM
Subject: So that’s how things go?

For the last several days, you tend to treat me like I’m your enemy. You wake up in much the same mood, unapproachable.  Yet turn to the kids, and others, and seemingly have a 180 of your attitude and demeanor.

This past weekend was no different.  Actually it was at it’s height of vivid disgust towards me with small remarks and digs.  You came home from MJ’s basketball game and went into the rant of basically giving up on him because he’s doing the same things as Scott and putting all the blame on yourself.  And then went into a funk towards me.  Just to let you know……during these times, if you haven’t already noticed-I just leave the room.  My level of tolerance is not there.
Do you even stop to think about others and how they may feel or think when you do these things?  It brings me back to about 5 years ago as well.  Pretty traumatic times for me.  As much as you don’t want things to repeat – neither do I!!
You are not and have not been happy for some time now, I am getting sucked into this.  This is not who I am and I am becoming very angry – mostly at myself.  Maybe you can’t see it, but our marriage and home are resembling your parents.  No we don’t have the issues of the teenagers – just yet.  I see it starting to transpire.

I, as well as you, have not been doing good lately.  Communicating only a little of this with you, because much of the focus is on you, your health, sleeping, addictions and how to get off of them.  However, with the way I have been lately, I actually have been quite low and down.  But one of the differences here is…..I’m alone in this area.  And another major difference right now……I have nothing left for anyone else.

But it’s quite disheartening to see a text in which you tell Faith that I have been ignoring Scott too!  Huh?  I was playing pool with him for quit some time, he was with me most of the evening.  Yes, I did tell him to quit with the remarks and said he could be done with them.  Ignoring? NO!

But the real kicker is that “Mom should suck it up!”  WOW!  How about you sucking it up and getting up in the morning and going into the office to do something so the business does not completely fold!!  Most of the time……. I DO SUCK IT UP!  The anxiety level around here is only going to grow with what’s transpiring. With the nothingness that continues to happen on a monumental level.  I’m NOT going to sit around and let it continue!  I did not just sit in my office downstairs and sulk!  I actually did an analysis of our personal financial spending over the past 18 months.  Quite scary!  And I don’t see much in regards to increased business.  Anxiety of the end is rapidly approaching.  And you are not making any kind of a move to save it.  And I walk on eggshells to make any reference to your level of involvement and action.  So things just continue to stay the same, or actually get worse with time.

And finally…….what right do “you” have to just make such a decision in regards to this car?  Crossed quite a line there!  When has it ever been okay to just make such a decision solely? I think I might need to be making such financial decisions myself based on some analysis that was very enlightening when compiling our spending!  Which is out of control!  i.e. Comcast: $5,500, Chiropractic: $3500, Health (non Insurance payments): $8000,  various spending (Target/Sam’s Club/Costco): $20,000+, Lifetime Fitness: $2635, Food/Rest: $2,200, etc. – and this is just personal.
And lastly, I/we are not able to handle Thanksgiving at our house.  It would be completely crazy to have an entire house full of people with additional dogs.
In conclusion – an avoidance of everything is the best – otherwise I’m fairly certain things would come out (more than what just did) and it wouldn’t be a good thing.  And since we have completely stopped doing anything via Pastor R with counseling or other areas – here we are again!
By the way-who did you end up going drinking with last night?
Alli

JD’s Response:

Wow!  I feel so much better after this.

So you’re not my enemy?

Perhaps you will recall last Tuesday night.  For some unknown reason I completely shut down and fell asleep around 7 PM.  Note that I didn’t grab a six pack, head down to the recliner, and nod off to a football game.  Clearly this upset you that night as you didn’t even bother to get me up so I could use my c pap.  I asked you the next morning why you didn’t wake me up and you completely ignored me.  You then proceeded with your angry stance the rest of the day.  Never once did you ask me if I was okay or why I inexplicably dozed off like that (as it is very unusual for me).  Nearly 100% of my demeanor towards you since is a result of that.  Much like you are saying, I simply reached a breaking point.  I just can’t take the guilt arrows that keep coming my way anymore.  I am so frustrated with the very gradual progress and often complete backslide that words cannot express it.

Thanks to you, I have a constant reminder of how I got here.  I have so many regrets that are almost impossible to live with, and every time you summarize it all, it is like taking another poison arrow through the stomach.

Thanks for the “suck it up” rant.  However, my meaning was about 99% softer than yours.  I only meant to suck up your anger towards me and talk to me for a couple minutes.  So you took this’s COMPLETELY  out of context.  Great opportunity for you to tell me how you really feel though.

When I was driving Scott to youth group last night, he said that you were completely ignoring him.  He asked you about a ride to Church and got no response from you.  So later on you spent some time with him.  Okay, but it isn’t as though I just made that up.

Regarding business and spending and all ancillaries associated with that, you are right.  It is very scary.  I am scared to the point of near paralysis and I just can’t seem to get over the hump.  It is very difficult to deal with this as you go into a total panic every time I mention the state of things.  It may have been possible to put two heads together and form a workable plan, but emotions seem to make that implausible.

Honestly, I am so torn about what is the best thing to do for everyone.  I very strongly feel that the family would be better off without me in the long run.  This is really not me feeling sorry for myself, but rather me trying to look at this selflessly.  I am nothing more than a shell of my old self (and that apparently wasn’t so great to begin with).  I am not a good father or husband and the family is falling apart as a result.  With me out, at least you can look to rebuild and get a fresh start, possibly with someone who is what I am not anymore.  Option 2 is to try to rebuild the family.  After reading your note, I can see that this would be a much more intricate and complex process than it initially appeared to be.  Do we really believe that all things are possible through Christ?  Do we?  Our actions would point strongly to NO.  We are great Christians with other believers in Church, small groups, co-ops, etc., then we act like pagans toward one another.  It is incredibly hypocritical.

I tried to get you to discuss and look at the car; hence the “suck it up”.  I did not want to make this decision without you, but I was put in a no-win position.  I would not do this if I wasn’t certain it was the right move.  If I wait til you come around, it will be gone.  It would be by far the best car purchase I’ve ever been involved in.  Financially, it is almost the same as the BMW you were completely on board with, so it is not as though I went a completely different direction behind your back.  I just got a much better car for the money and there is literally no risk involved.  It is also the safest car you can buy…….and I arranged to do auctions at the dealership, starting next week.  This would be a tough one to back out on.

Last night I went to the Sunshine Factory with JT and had ONE beer.  I will show you the receipt.  So……not really “out drinking”!

TEXT MESSAGES:

JD: You forgot to explain to me how awful I am in bed, too.  I assume you forgot because it is probably the only thing more you could have broken me down with.  I have never been the brunt of anything so cruel and hurtful in my life.  You always stop short of asking me to leave so you don’t have to take the blame but, don’t worry, you made your wishes crystal clear.  I will not be here when you get home and you can tell my family not to come up or deal with them on your own.

Me: Oh my word that is the biggest pity party I have ever seen.  I have reread that email, there is nothing cruel in it!  Please point it out to me what u think is so cruel!  And as far as your family coming, please tell them, as I have already stated I really don’t think it’s a good idea to do any entertaining right now!  Don’t think either one of us are exactly in any condition to be entertaining!  The email merely states that we’re both going through some pretty shitty time!  However, it doesn’t ever really appear that I am taking into consideration about being down, depressed, side affect of being not so well, it mostly focuses on you and how I should have somehow known that this particular time that you went and laid down that it was somehow different than any others?  Way to throw sex into this as well!  Yah, no where did I say that!  And no where did I mention anything about leaving!  You can put a spin on it however you want to in regards to me falling short of mentioning that!  Simply not true!  So by what you’re saying you think that I should just keep my mouth shut about any opinions I might have, how I feel, suck it up, and take care of everybody else?  Because to me your words are saying just that!  Nor did you answer my question of how you really think I should act, navigate our situation, or respond to what’s actually going on right now!  Should I just sit and let everything roll out and watch it take its course of destruction?

_______________________________________________________________________________________

12/11/15

Text Message:

JD:  How the hell are we suppose to fight the battle for our spiritual, physical and mental health, along with our businesses, when we are too damned busy fighting one another.  If you want to quit, then please just do it and tell me to go!!  In or out!  This half-baked crap is not good for anyone in our family.  Why does it seem like every time I have a burst, something like this happens and lets all the air out!?  I was not going to go and subject myself to more hypocrisy tonight and I did not want to be the center of attention because we’re not doing well.

Me: Does a burst entail continued bad moods and smart-ass remarks towards me?  Or maybe leaving each day without saying goodbye and continuing to make me feel as if I’ve done something wrong – again?  yeah – nice remarks to me in front of Faith & Lauren about how I feel ok to talk to them.  You have absolutely no idea how I fee, and I really don’t think you care.  Nothing is happening because nothing is happening!  I’m not fighting.  I have so many things going on right now (though you don’t care!) so I’m merely avoiding most things that are stressful.  I will continue to leave the room when you have no patience, fling your sarcasm at me or make your opinionated remarks.  So again: nothing new is happening because nothing new is happening.

JD: Yeah.  That’s what i meant by burst.  Thanks.

JD: BTW: What did you say to me when I got up and walked into the kitchen yesterday?

Me: So getting up each day ignoring me or acting as if I’m some sort of enemy and leaving most days without any words, or a goodbye is suppose to give me the warm fuzzies as if everything is alright?  And your digs?  Making me feel like I’m the enemy,  I certainly can tell you, one in which I have come to the conclusion….you do not care.

Good morning…As I do most of the time.  Or sometimes…..how are you feeling?  Or how about……how did you sleep last night?

Any questions ever come from you like that?  NOPE!

Actually, come to think about it, your question to me in the care today was:  “mind telling me what’s going on with you?”

My response:  “I haven’t been feeling good.  My hands, arms and feet are numb right now and I’ve been having a lot of cramping.”  You asked if I needed you to drive, I said no.  My further replies didn’t seem to be quick enough or the right answers, so you just staying on your iPad the entire time, even staying in the car.  No further conversations whatsoever.

JD: You didn’t say a damn word, nor did you even look at me!  So, no!  Not even one of those questions you spitefully referenced.  And I am through tolerating you mocking and condescending me for the struggles I’m battling.  Either you don’t get it or you don’t give a shit, but, to give you a good point of reference, those remarks would be the equivalent to ME calling YOU stupid!  So, if you’re really trying to nail me, you’ve got me down.  I have gotten to a point where I don’t feel that sharing my feelings and challenges with you is safe anymore.  Really!  I try to bring up as little as possible anymore.  And that “I don’t care” crap is really getting old.  That is pure, baseless, garbage.  I really don’t know where that is come from, but I can say that UNEQUIVOCALLY, it is not the truth.  And, even as angry as I am right now,  I am truly sorry if I have ever made you think that.  Of all the flaws I have, caring about people is most assuredly not on the list – and you damn well know that.  But, really, i am not holding you prisoner.  Seeing how clearly unhappy you are is sapping what little feeling of worth that I have left.  It is really time for you to seriously evaluate your options because this isn’t working – for our entire family.

JD: You know that thing where you flick your finger up and down on your lips and make that bbbl, bbbbbbl, bbbl sound?  That’s what your last text has me doing right now!  Today……? Me……..? OH BOY!!

_______________________________________________________________________________________

As I scroll through past text messages, there are LOT of prayer requests and God filled messages.  I wanted bring attention to the fact that we would text: “How can I pray for you?”  And we would in all sincerity, pray for each other.

So in the same timeline of all the ick stuff, there is caring, praying, love, praise and business matters discussed.  If I did include ALL of the messages, this would be insanely long!


It’s here again!

I had started another post with a great deal of summary updates.  That post is still in progress!

I’m here tonight because I’m here again!

What I mean by that?

In short…….my husband took off tonight and has sent me a text indicating he’s going to end his life.

He’s been battling severe depression lately, went off one substance in hopes of detoxing.  Couldn’t take the debilitating, severe depression and went back on OxyContin as an interim to doing a very radical treatment in which we had hoped it would be a reset to his brain and a road to recovery in addiction.

However, I have been on complete overload!  My plate is more than full with handling so many things that are quite frankly not even humanly possible to carry this type of load.

I’m BURNT OUT!

So, tonight……there was a situation in which JD was suppose to take care of just “one” thing!  Our daughters financial aid in which “he” is the co-signer on!  This means I’m not able to handle this.  And guess what……it’s NOT complete. However, somehow this is MY fault.  I sat there and took his ranting at me, I then proceeded to pack my computer and things I had out and headed out to our RV.  I’m NOT in the mood for this, I have NO energy and I really am not going to do this right now!

His reaction?

He left, headed to our office, sent me the following text:

I was just kidding myself to have felt any hope or that I could just move FORWARD.  The reminders of the past will never end!  I’m done!!!!

And then turned his phone and iPad off.  Knowing this is how I track him.

He also turned all the security cameras at the office off.

And he’s not located at the office.  My daughter wanted to go check to see if he was there.

In all honesty…….I really can’t do this anymore!  I can’t wrap my entire world around the fear of his taking his own life.  It’s completely debilitating and very cruel.

He has now tried, or threatened suicide 6 times now.  And one in very recent past.  Police were involved, he went to the hospital and they didn’t seem it necessary to keep him.  That’s another post to detail the event!

But seriously, I’m numb!  I prayed with my daughter and truly surrendered this to The Lord!  I can’t do this anymore, I have absolutely NO power to do anything if he’s set on taking his life.  I’ve been down this road so many times and know that it ends up back at this point. Unless JD gets help…..we will continue to end up here.

And I’m powerless.  And I surrender!!


Battling the beast – days 6 thru 31

Oh my…..how time flies!

We are still going strong on the battle!  The days after day 6 were steady.  Not much to report on.  He continued to take all the supplements as we had planned.  There were some days where his despair and depression were worse and he would take it easy and increase some of the supplements a little.  But it was very manageable!

We had lunch with our previous pastor, who is a dear friend and we are involved in his ministry.  He has also been our marriage counselor and without him and his marriage ministry, my husband and I would probably be divorced by now.  I know the endless prayers and support he has provided to us and for us has been a life saver – TRULY!  An absolute blessing from The Lord!

During lunch, he commented on how great we both looked.  How we just looked to have more life and light in us.  We just looked like we were in a good place.  There also has been a couple of times that other individuals have noticed how good my husband looked.  And from individuals who have no idea what has been going on.  You know……the behind the scenes that most people don’t know about!

Then came day 27!  This was also the day during his first try to rid the Suboxone and couldn’t push thru.  This was also a time where we were not as educated and informed.

suboxone withdrawal timeline

The despair, depression and physical attributes of this drug started rearing it’s ugly head!  This did not surprise me due to the fact of how Suboxone stays in one’s system for some time.

Flu like symptoms had set in.  Throwing up, body aches, restless leg syndrome, irritability, etc.

It was my birthday yesterday, and even though it was not a great day in general…..I’m okay with it!  I know that this process is so worth it and it will be the greatest birthday present having this be behind us and looking to the future of being clean!

I also know, without a shadow of doubt, this would not be working – and working as well as it has been – without The Lord!  My husband’s faith and time with The Lord has never been stronger!  And this is so refreshing!!  It is through this faith that we are able to do this together, as a team and have seen the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m a bit concerned, he leaves for out of town on Tuesday and it can be rough traveling.  Especially if these symptoms are still present.  But I have faith!

Blessings!!

Alli


Battling “the beast” Day 4-5

I stand here again……in complete awe!  His love is never ending!!!!

Image result for his mercies are never ending

I can say this right now because I have been in the deepest of despair and felt He was so far away.  And I have been in a place before where His presence was so magnificent that when we were through that season in life, I had what’s called an Elijah experience:

It’s when we have had great spiritual benefits

This was how it was for Elijah. He had had a great experience on the mountain. (Read 1 Kings 18:16-39.) What a great success it had been! God had showed his power and greatness. Elijah must have felt great excitement. He was so happy. Then it came…the depression!

I vividly remember this a short time after my middle aged son was born prematurely.  He was born @ 1lb. 12oz. – 26 weeks gestation and was in the hospital for 3 months.  This was surprisingly a very peaceful time.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was going to be okay.  This time was so powerful with the “presence” of Jesus.  And if only we could just remain in this state for the entire time we are here on earth.  But that is not the plan.  Turmoil does exist and we are to keep pressing in on Him to give us strength, perseverance, endurance and HOPE!

So today…….at the end of day 5 – I am elated!  I know not to rest on this, because the evil one is hiding just behind the corner.  But I want to take this moment to give praise!

My husband has made it through the initial hard part.  We have done our research to the best means possible to safely and effectively kick opiate medications and have completely surrendered to God!  Now…..as I was talking with my husband, not sure if it’s due to the supplements and regimen we have him on, the stronger faith we both have right now or both.  Our answer….both!  You cannot stand before me and tell me that my husband being fully functional to go into the office BUT also being of such sound mind as he is right now has nothing to do with the power of God!!  When he came home he mentioned it was so different.  The clouded mind fog was not there.  He was very productive and got so much done!  I’M SPEECHLESS!!  I’m filled with…….oh my gosh….joy!  I will soak this in right now!

In addition, he also does not crave the same foods.  Before, each night, he would CRAVE sugar!  Now it’s healthy and salty foods.  Oh what drugs and medications can do to your body!

Yes….there is still depression.  But he has said it is not the complete despair he has felt before.  He does suffer from depression and is on medication for that.  But the depression as a result of withdrawing from prescription medications is different.  I can’t relate and I don’t know just how to explain, other than what he tells me.  And what I see in his face and behavior.  But I’m not fearful of what lies ahead.

 


Battling “The beast” Day 3

battling-the-beast-day-3Well….it’s been over 72 hours.

This is the time where the severe depression and despair sets in!  This is the beginning of what scares my husband to death!!

He’s feeling it today and says his emotions are all over the place.  Mostly down and depressed.  He says he is even crying a lot!

We started with another new supplement today.  One that is suppose to curb the withdrawals and help with the process.  But this couldn’t be taken until a minimum of 72 hours after being off of Suboxone.

He is still spending much time in the War Room.  Which is so very good!!  Praise God for His faithfulness!!

I feel His presence here as I have been able to stay supportive, calm and caring!  I even asked my husband if he thought I was being patient and supportive?   He did say, “yes!”  Because I do not have a great track record in this area.  I get anxious and lose my patience:(  I do have to admit that I don’t have the best bedside manners.  I tend to become impatient with individuals (even with myself) if they become too needy, or are sick/ill for a long period of time.  Idk…..maybe it’s because I’m a Mom and don’t usually have the time to be sick or ill?  But I also tend to get over things (pretty much most emotional or sick type of things) rather quickly.  Don’t have time to bleed!  Probably not really healthy in the long run?!  I know this about myself, have recognized it, and try to do better at this.  Because sometimes it can appear as though I have no feelings.  Anyhow…..enough about me!

I’m ready for day 4!  I have thought about going from room-to-room in my home with my Bible and praying in each and every room.  Cleansing it!  Yep…..think that’s what I will do on day 4.  There is NO room here for satan, the beast or anything that might interfere with God’s plans!

Blessings to all!!!!!


Battling “The beast” Day 2

battling-the-beast-day-2

The battle is manageable.  But we know what is called “shelf life”, which is how long the Suboxone actively stays in the system is called 1/2 shelf life.  What this means is, after the first 72 hours, it really reeks havoc on the receptors in your brain and body!  This is where it get extremely tough and can, in fact, last months.  Everyone is different.  Even when you stop taking it, it stays in your system for quite some time.  That’s why it’s so hard to just stop.  Even after the first 72 hours, it still rears it’s ugly head.

These medications attach to your receptors and quite frankly your brain and nerve endings.  So as the body is not being supplied the substance (in pill form), and your body is NOT use to producing what is natural to our receptors due to the medications doing it for so long, your body in reality does not know what to do.  The medications have masked what the body is suppose to do, and you are left with a body that is so completely out of sync it doesn’t know what to do.  It’s misfiring and the pain that goes through your body is sometimes unbearable.  I prepared a bath with Epsom salt to help pull out toxins.  Seemed to help a little.

But today, still taking natural supplements to help with this process has so far proven to be beneficial.  He has not slept as much as I thought he would and in my opinion…..this has been better than the first time.  But he is scared to death of what he knows is coming…….the despair and depression is so bad!  This is what he fears the most.  He has told me it’s like he has voices in his head that just won’t go away.  The despair is so great that he doesn’t want to live.  The main difference this time is his faith!  Last time, he was not as solid and I continue to pray that he will dive deeper for the refuge in The Lord!

However, we did have a little episode where we couldn’t find the remote!  This in general is quite a frustrating, seemingly ongoing occurrence:)  – that’s why companies make small devices to attach to your remote to help find it!  (I think we need one!!) But this time, he did lose his temper.  That’s okay!  It was bedtime for our youngest.  We went to bed.  My husband went downstairs and I think he went into the War Room.  Not sure?  I did hear some slamming of doors and items for a short time.  I didn’t interfere!  And it would not be very smart if I thought something like this wouldn’t have taken place.  It’s part of the process!  I feel as if it was handled in the best means possible!  We all fell asleep and there were no fights!  WAS NOT going to go there…..wouldn’t have been worth it!  No reason to!  I prayed for him to be filled with the Holy Spirit and me to have compassion and patience.  That’s what took place:)  Praise God!

I’m ready for Day 3!!  Usually day 3 is the worst!  The body really goes into overdrive with withdrawal effects!  But we are prepared!!  We continue to pray!


Battling “The beast” Day 1

battling-the-beast-day-1The first day is usually okay.  Not too many withdrawal effects start happening on this day.  Mostly just being very shivery cold then sweating hot.  The feeling of the flu is probably the best to describe it.  Very achy.  We have purchased a supplement to help with the withdrawal.  He started taking this a couple of days beforehand so his body could already have a head start.

It was also nice that there was no one at home during the day, so it was rather quiet in our home.  Something that usually doesn’t happen because we homeschool.  But Friday’s we have classes.  So he was able to sleep much of the day.  This helps tremendously with getting through the detox!

However, I know the worst has not happened!  The last time he threw up quite a bit, had tremors, restless legs and felt as if he was going to climb the walls or wished he could just jump out of his skin.

I continue to pray that I will be supportive, calm, and a help in any way I can.  I continue to remind myself that this is what we “both” wish and I play a vital role in this process.  He NEEDS my support.  And I NEED him off the prescription medications!!