It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted! And there has been A LOT of events, blessings, not-so-much blessings, progress and regress since the last postings regarding Battling the beast!
Still in the battle! However, I have much to report on gaining ground!
So……I’m going to summarize much of the past to bring current and focus on the current state of progress.
January 2017: Sold a portion of one of our businesses.
June 2017: JD went off deep end again. Drank entire bottle of hard liquor, took an extensive amount of pills (suicide) and ended up in the hospital.
May 2017: I went back full-time in our business. Had to let my mother go from our business. She was doing the books. The books and accounting is majorly screwed up. Found most of this during a recent sales tax audit. And if any of you have gone through a sales tax audit….you know how stressful this can be!!
9/9/16: JD and I had a major blow-out, he left and was driving extremely fast and recklessly, indicated suicide, called daughter in college, tracked him and had police pull him over.
7/4/16: JD was drinking on the 4th of July. I had an over the top psychotic episode (which scared the crap out of ME!) I drove off in our RV late that night and stayed away for 3 days.
6/22/16: I had an extreme episode of explosion!
9/7/15: Suicide attempt.
—— Original Message ——
Sent: November 24, 2015 at 11:13 AM
Subject: So that’s how things go?
For the last several days, you tend to treat me like I’m your enemy. You wake up in much the same mood, unapproachable. Yet turn to the kids, and others, and seemingly have a 180 of your attitude and demeanor.
This past weekend was no different. Actually it was at it’s height of vivid disgust towards me with small remarks and digs. You came home from MJ’s basketball game and went into the rant of basically giving up on him because he’s doing the same things as Scott and putting all the blame on yourself. And then went into a funk towards me. Just to let you know……during these times, if you haven’t already noticed-I just leave the room. My level of tolerance is not there.
Do you even stop to think about others and how they may feel or think when you do these things? It brings me back to about 5 years ago as well. Pretty traumatic times for me. As much as you don’t want things to repeat – neither do I!!
You are not and have not been happy for some time now, I am getting sucked into this. This is not who I am and I am becoming very angry – mostly at myself. Maybe you can’t see it, but our marriage and home are resembling your parents. No we don’t have the issues of the teenagers – just yet. I see it starting to transpire.
I, as well as you, have not been doing good lately. Communicating only a little of this with you, because much of the focus is on you, your health, sleeping, addictions and how to get off of them. However, with the way I have been lately, I actually have been quite low and down. But one of the differences here is…..I’m alone in this area. And another major difference right now……I have nothing left for anyone else.
But it’s quite disheartening to see a text in which you tell Faith that I have been ignoring Scott too! Huh? I was playing pool with him for quit some time, he was with me most of the evening. Yes, I did tell him to quit with the remarks and said he could be done with them. Ignoring? NO!
But the real kicker is that “Mom should suck it up!” WOW! How about you sucking it up and getting up in the morning and going into the office to do something so the business does not completely fold!! Most of the time……. I DO SUCK IT UP! The anxiety level around here is only going to grow with what’s transpiring. With the nothingness that continues to happen on a monumental level. I’m NOT going to sit around and let it continue! I did not just sit in my office downstairs and sulk! I actually did an analysis of our personal financial spending over the past 18 months. Quite scary! And I don’t see much in regards to increased business. Anxiety of the end is rapidly approaching. And you are not making any kind of a move to save it. And I walk on eggshells to make any reference to your level of involvement and action. So things just continue to stay the same, or actually get worse with time.
And finally…….what right do “you” have to just make such a decision in regards to this car? Crossed quite a line there! When has it ever been okay to just make such a decision solely? I think I might need to be making such financial decisions myself based on some analysis that was very enlightening when compiling our spending! Which is out of control! i.e. Comcast: $5,500, Chiropractic: $3500, Health (non Insurance payments): $8000, various spending (Target/Sam’s Club/Costco): $20,000+, Lifetime Fitness: $2635, Food/Rest: $2,200, etc. – and this is just personal.
And lastly, I/we are not able to handle Thanksgiving at our house. It would be completely crazy to have an entire house full of people with additional dogs.
In conclusion – an avoidance of everything is the best – otherwise I’m fairly certain things would come out (more than what just did) and it wouldn’t be a good thing. And since we have completely stopped doing anything via Pastor R with counseling or other areas – here we are again!
By the way-who did you end up going drinking with last night?
Wow! I feel so much better after this.
So you’re not my enemy?
Perhaps you will recall last Tuesday night. For some unknown reason I completely shut down and fell asleep around 7 PM. Note that I didn’t grab a six pack, head down to the recliner, and nod off to a football game. Clearly this upset you that night as you didn’t even bother to get me up so I could use my c pap. I asked you the next morning why you didn’t wake me up and you completely ignored me. You then proceeded with your angry stance the rest of the day. Never once did you ask me if I was okay or why I inexplicably dozed off like that (as it is very unusual for me). Nearly 100% of my demeanor towards you since is a result of that. Much like you are saying, I simply reached a breaking point. I just can’t take the guilt arrows that keep coming my way anymore. I am so frustrated with the very gradual progress and often complete backslide that words cannot express it.
Thanks to you, I have a constant reminder of how I got here. I have so many regrets that are almost impossible to live with, and every time you summarize it all, it is like taking another poison arrow through the stomach.
Thanks for the “suck it up” rant. However, my meaning was about 99% softer than yours. I only meant to suck up your anger towards me and talk to me for a couple minutes. So you took this’s COMPLETELY out of context. Great opportunity for you to tell me how you really feel though.
When I was driving Scott to youth group last night, he said that you were completely ignoring him. He asked you about a ride to Church and got no response from you. So later on you spent some time with him. Okay, but it isn’t as though I just made that up.
Regarding business and spending and all ancillaries associated with that, you are right. It is very scary. I am scared to the point of near paralysis and I just can’t seem to get over the hump. It is very difficult to deal with this as you go into a total panic every time I mention the state of things. It may have been possible to put two heads together and form a workable plan, but emotions seem to make that implausible.
Honestly, I am so torn about what is the best thing to do for everyone. I very strongly feel that the family would be better off without me in the long run. This is really not me feeling sorry for myself, but rather me trying to look at this selflessly. I am nothing more than a shell of my old self (and that apparently wasn’t so great to begin with). I am not a good father or husband and the family is falling apart as a result. With me out, at least you can look to rebuild and get a fresh start, possibly with someone who is what I am not anymore. Option 2 is to try to rebuild the family. After reading your note, I can see that this would be a much more intricate and complex process than it initially appeared to be. Do we really believe that all things are possible through Christ? Do we? Our actions would point strongly to NO. We are great Christians with other believers in Church, small groups, co-ops, etc., then we act like pagans toward one another. It is incredibly hypocritical.
I tried to get you to discuss and look at the car; hence the “suck it up”. I did not want to make this decision without you, but I was put in a no-win position. I would not do this if I wasn’t certain it was the right move. If I wait til you come around, it will be gone. It would be by far the best car purchase I’ve ever been involved in. Financially, it is almost the same as the BMW you were completely on board with, so it is not as though I went a completely different direction behind your back. I just got a much better car for the money and there is literally no risk involved. It is also the safest car you can buy…….and I arranged to do auctions at the dealership, starting next week. This would be a tough one to back out on.
Last night I went to the Sunshine Factory with JT and had ONE beer. I will show you the receipt. So……not really “out drinking”!
JD: You forgot to explain to me how awful I am in bed, too. I assume you forgot because it is probably the only thing more you could have broken me down with. I have never been the brunt of anything so cruel and hurtful in my life. You always stop short of asking me to leave so you don’t have to take the blame but, don’t worry, you made your wishes crystal clear. I will not be here when you get home and you can tell my family not to come up or deal with them on your own.
Me: Oh my word that is the biggest pity party I have ever seen. I have reread that email, there is nothing cruel in it! Please point it out to me what u think is so cruel! And as far as your family coming, please tell them, as I have already stated I really don’t think it’s a good idea to do any entertaining right now! Don’t think either one of us are exactly in any condition to be entertaining! The email merely states that we’re both going through some pretty shitty time! However, it doesn’t ever really appear that I am taking into consideration about being down, depressed, side affect of being not so well, it mostly focuses on you and how I should have somehow known that this particular time that you went and laid down that it was somehow different than any others? Way to throw sex into this as well! Yah, no where did I say that! And no where did I mention anything about leaving! You can put a spin on it however you want to in regards to me falling short of mentioning that! Simply not true! So by what you’re saying you think that I should just keep my mouth shut about any opinions I might have, how I feel, suck it up, and take care of everybody else? Because to me your words are saying just that! Nor did you answer my question of how you really think I should act, navigate our situation, or respond to what’s actually going on right now! Should I just sit and let everything roll out and watch it take its course of destruction?
JD: How the hell are we suppose to fight the battle for our spiritual, physical and mental health, along with our businesses, when we are too damned busy fighting one another. If you want to quit, then please just do it and tell me to go!! In or out! This half-baked crap is not good for anyone in our family. Why does it seem like every time I have a burst, something like this happens and lets all the air out!? I was not going to go and subject myself to more hypocrisy tonight and I did not want to be the center of attention because we’re not doing well.
Me: Does a burst entail continued bad moods and smart-ass remarks towards me? Or maybe leaving each day without saying goodbye and continuing to make me feel as if I’ve done something wrong – again? yeah – nice remarks to me in front of Faith & Lauren about how I feel ok to talk to them. You have absolutely no idea how I fee, and I really don’t think you care. Nothing is happening because nothing is happening! I’m not fighting. I have so many things going on right now (though you don’t care!) so I’m merely avoiding most things that are stressful. I will continue to leave the room when you have no patience, fling your sarcasm at me or make your opinionated remarks. So again: nothing new is happening because nothing new is happening.
JD: Yeah. That’s what i meant by burst. Thanks.
JD: BTW: What did you say to me when I got up and walked into the kitchen yesterday?
Me: So getting up each day ignoring me or acting as if I’m some sort of enemy and leaving most days without any words, or a goodbye is suppose to give me the warm fuzzies as if everything is alright? And your digs? Making me feel like I’m the enemy, I certainly can tell you, one in which I have come to the conclusion….you do not care.
Good morning…As I do most of the time. Or sometimes…..how are you feeling? Or how about……how did you sleep last night?
Any questions ever come from you like that? NOPE!
Actually, come to think about it, your question to me in the care today was: “mind telling me what’s going on with you?”
My response: “I haven’t been feeling good. My hands, arms and feet are numb right now and I’ve been having a lot of cramping.” You asked if I needed you to drive, I said no. My further replies didn’t seem to be quick enough or the right answers, so you just staying on your iPad the entire time, even staying in the car. No further conversations whatsoever.
JD: You didn’t say a damn word, nor did you even look at me! So, no! Not even one of those questions you spitefully referenced. And I am through tolerating you mocking and condescending me for the struggles I’m battling. Either you don’t get it or you don’t give a shit, but, to give you a good point of reference, those remarks would be the equivalent to ME calling YOU stupid! So, if you’re really trying to nail me, you’ve got me down. I have gotten to a point where I don’t feel that sharing my feelings and challenges with you is safe anymore. Really! I try to bring up as little as possible anymore. And that “I don’t care” crap is really getting old. That is pure, baseless, garbage. I really don’t know where that is come from, but I can say that UNEQUIVOCALLY, it is not the truth. And, even as angry as I am right now, I am truly sorry if I have ever made you think that. Of all the flaws I have, caring about people is most assuredly not on the list – and you damn well know that. But, really, i am not holding you prisoner. Seeing how clearly unhappy you are is sapping what little feeling of worth that I have left. It is really time for you to seriously evaluate your options because this isn’t working – for our entire family.
JD: You know that thing where you flick your finger up and down on your lips and make that bbbl, bbbbbbl, bbbl sound? That’s what your last text has me doing right now! Today……? Me……..? OH BOY!!
As I scroll through past text messages, there are LOT of prayer requests and God filled messages. I wanted bring attention to the fact that we would text: “How can I pray for you?” And we would in all sincerity, pray for each other.
So in the same timeline of all the ick stuff, there is caring, praying, love, praise and business matters discussed. If I did include ALL of the messages, this would be insanely long!