1st Time

Today was the 1st time JD has left for out-of-town and we didn’t say “goodbye” to one another.  We have been in a fight for the past 2 days now and have not talked to one another in that time.  No emails, text messages, phone calls or personal conversations.

I don’t have the energy or the desire to talk or fight.  Quite honestly, it’s nice to not have to walk on eggshells, worry about how his moods will be each time he comes home or what will set him off.  It’s very rare when JD is in a good mood.  The ONLY time I ever see him in a good mood is interacting with the kids or drinking.  Which is one of the reasons I convince myself it’s okay for him to drink at all.  Sometimes it’s better to just give in to what I know is destructive, just so I don’t have to live with someone who becomes even more difficult.

He admits to having a drinking problem, is continually apologizing for his actions due to drinking, promises to get help and never fallows thru.  I on the other hand wish I didn’t have to deal with this any longer.  The bargaining I do with myself, the lies I tell myself, the hurt that his drinking and actions have caused and how completely helpless I continually feel due to this rollercoaster.

I also can tell his drinking has been on the rise for the past week or two.  This starts the pattern and I can tell there is going to be some drinking binges in the VERY near future.  It’ll start this week when he’s out-of-town and continue when he gets back next week.  You see, then he’s out-of-town he doesn’t have to answer to anyone, he’s not bound to the responses from me or the children.  Yes,  the children have made numerous statements, many he knows about and many he doesn’t.

That brings me to my next issue.  It is very apparent that our lives are so far apart from one another right now.  This isn’t a surprise to me, I know the drinking has been at the forefront of this separation.  But it was verbally and non-verbally communicated to me 2 days ago.  The day he brought my father’s belongings back from Irene’s house, walked in on me crying due to going thru some of the things.  And proceeds to give me a hug, ask if I’ll be okay, and tells me he can’t cancel going to the 1st Twins game because Steve will have to watch the game all alone.  Now that’s caring at it’s finest – don’t you think!?  Actually, it’s caring at it’s finest in regards to himself and things in his life that are vividly more important than his wife.  That would be sports, friends/business assoc., and being free to do as he pleases.

Let’s also not forget that he was gone the entire day before, which was Sunday.  And where was he?  Hanging out with athletes at a business function and going over to one of the Vikings player’s house to watch The Masters.  I have NO problem with him doing this, I think it’s really awesome that he has this opportunity and should do this.  I display this with, “go, and have a great time”.  And with sincerity!!  And I have NO problem when I do the things at home that need to be done.  Taking the plow off the 4-wheeler, hooking up the SeaDoo and washing it, taking care of the children and the maintenance things around the house.  This is what I do, this is my life.  And honestly, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

But what I DO mind is the grind of each and every day and my husband taking his free time and not ever giving me a break.  I have pleaded with him to give me some time for myself.  And to no avail – it doesn’t happen.  Yes, it’s hard for me to get really excited when he’s leaving out the door, I’m crying due to my father, and he cares so much for someone else than his wife.

That’s how he makes me feel most days.

We have discussed how little time we have together, due to the rigorous schedule of our family and business.  But it doesn’t seem to be difficult for JD to plan, and do all of the extra things in his life.  Suppose he would put some time in planning something for our marriage?  And I know that his plan would be for sex somewhere.  But hey, at least I would know that he thought about us, put some time into us and followed through with something to do with us.  Rather than a fit it here quickie!

So him leaving for out-of-town is kind of little break for me.  I don’t have to be face-to-face with the reality of his drinking, I don’t have to worry about his tirades when he can’t find something or what his mood is going to be from moment to moment.  I don’t have to pander to his needs at the day’s end.  Actually, I can have some time for myself.

Pander to?  Our sex life has been next to nothing.  He wonders why?  He made the comment the other night, after making some crude comment about his junk, I said “oh that’s a real turn on!”  And his comment was, “I don’t know what turns you on!”  Well it certainly is not ymy husband frequently walking around with his pants hanging past his ass, thinking it’s funny.  It’s not grabbing my chest and squeezing it, or grabbing his crotch and saying, “look at my cxxx”!  I dare him to teach the children these techniques!  I also know this is NOT what JD did in our relationship when we were first together!  I know – it’s surprising this is not how I fell in love with him!  How romancing that would have been!

JD use to make me feel secure.  Like I was someone who was cherished, admired, and he use to touch me in a way that was kind and compassionate.

Our marriage has slowly been fading away, but it’s been more of a spiraling out of control for the past few years.  We fight often, are not happy in our marriage, don’t like one another and simply seem to be together due to our children.  I know this is not a new scenario in regards to marriage.  But it is a reality in our life.  And oddly as it seems, there has been no advances towards seeking professional help.  Only in discussions has this been addressed, but no action.

Christian counceling is essential at this point!

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2 responses to “1st Time

  • Kimberly

    This about sums my life up EXACTLY! We have a 6 yr old and 3 yr old triplets. I simply stay in the marriage because of the children and financial income. I am also a christian, as well as my husband. I do not understand him in the least and truthfully have zero respect and very little love in my heart because of his alcoholism.

    • wivesforchrist

      Triplets!!! Hands full!
      You probably understand your husband – well at least at one time. You don’t understand the addiction. That’s why we separated the two. There was my husband – who was a very considerate and kind man. And then…….there was the beast! This was/is the addiction that controlled him. Two separate entities. I recently came across a sermon series from Andy Stanley – Guardrails http://northpoint.org/messages/guardrails – this was a very good series on why we shouldn’t do________. You can fill in the blank with just about anything.
      Stay in His word! I know it’s hard to at times!!!
      Blessings,
      Alli

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