Yesturday morning, my husband woke up, got ready for the huge day of baseball and basketball tournaments that our son was involved in.  It was 6:50AM when JD came into the bedroom and informed me that he was not going to be able to make it to the tournament this morning and would have to see if he felt any better as the day went on.  He had 103 temp, sweats, shakes and shivers and felt aweful.  (He did show up a little late for the 1st game @8am, and coached for the remainder of the day, which was till 8pm.)

This has happened many times before, the flu like conditions.  And I can tell you that it more likely than not has to do with drinking than having any type of virus. 

After he has gone quite some time with consistent drinking, and has ramped up the amount on a consistent basis.  Meaning: He usually comes to grips at some point in time that he has a problem.  Admits it to me and says he knows it’s gotten out of hand and will keep it in check.  But you and I know “he” can’t.  “He” doesn’t control this problem, “IT” controls him!

So he cuts back, but still consistently drinks each night.  Maybe only having a few in the beginning.  Then as time goes on, this amount increases.  As time passes, more events or social situations bring him to a point where it invites him in more.  Wheather this is a neighbor coming over with beers, an event where there is drinking and another sales person present, or just having a really bad day or week.  What ever the excuse is, it always seems to present itself.  And he always seems to fall pray to it.

So……the drinking has escalated AGAIN!  The side effects have also increased as well.  His sleepless nights due to increased acid indigestion, depression, irritability, and mood swings.

But the most severe of the side effects are the flu like symptoms.  Fever, sweats, body aches, chills, shakes and shivers.  He never hesitates to asses it as anything other than a flu virus.  However, I have seen it many times before.  And I can tell you that it is not usually a virus.

However, all of this doesn’t just stop at the physical issues.  It has caused some other extreme issues as well.  Many of which he denies at the present time.  But many of which are not shared with him due to his reaction whenever it is brought up.  These include personal emotional issues with JD, marital issues, and family issues.  All of which have been discussed in previous posts, and will be included in future posts as well.

One of the hard things about this is his expectations of me.  I’m withdrawn.  And I don’t feel like extending as much love and affection as he desires, and quite frankly as a wife should in any other given “healthy” situation.  I simply have created a shield for myself.

For instance, this morning when we woke up, he wanted some intimate affection.  He didn’t drink last night, so we slept in the same bed.  Usually, he sleeps on the couch because he has so many issues sleeping when he’s been drinking.   It’s been quite some time since we have shared the same bed on a regular basis.  I also think this indicates how much drinking he has been doing.

Anyhow…..he mentioned he wanted to snuggle and have some attention because he has not felt as much love coming from me lately.  And I responded with: “that’s because I’m a little upset with you and your drinking.”  His reponse was, “Oh God!”, and rolled over.

I said, “Well you asked, and I answered you.  I’m not spittin’ mad, I haven’t lost my cool, I haven’t berated you and made a big issue out of this.  I simply am upset about your drinking, and we never seem to discuss anything about it.”  End of conversation.

Truth about it all is that I don’t feel like being all lovey dovey while on this roller coaster of his needs being fullfilled in this marriage and life.  Of his roller coaster of emotions and self battles that he carries with him.  While he carries on with his addiction, by himself, and without the help of God or anyone else.  I will continue in a protective mode for myself.  As I hope to turn more and more to God for my strength, which I what I always resort and restore myself in and with.

It is only through Jesus Christ that I find the strength to stay in this battle.  And it is only through Jesus that I find refudge in.  I am blessed by only HIM!


About wivesforchrist

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