So after a short time went by on Sunday, I asked JD if we were just going to go about our day and ignore each other? His response was, “Why should today be any different?”
He also stated that he’ll do what he wants to in regards to this, and if it causes me to be withdrawn, then that’s my choice. All the while making me feel as though this is my fault, and that I am withdrawn and don’t seem as though I love him. Or at least as much as he thinks a wife should love a husband, even though he’s destroying himself and affecting others around him. Mostly his family.
I know…..this is part of the alcoholic tendencies. I just doesn’t make it any easier to go through!
So here’s what’s happening and my predictions (based on past experiences) of what’s going to transpire.
We talked very little yesterday, only about family related specifics, and briefly at that. He left this morning without saying “goodbye”. I actually said it 2 times before he left and he did mumble something as he was exiting through the garage. Couldn’t understand what it was.
He’ll be at work today, and we won’t have any contact with one another – unless it’s absolutely necessary. He’ll come home after Scott’s baseball game and be depressed. Chances are we won’t talk to one another tonight and we won’t talk at all unless I open up the dialogue.
He’s on the 3rd day of no drinks. This is usually the hardest. Because the withdrawal symptoms start to manifest in areas of severe depression, pain in his body, and “extreme” moodiness. If he were home, he would not be a pleasant person to be around. He would be short with the kids, overly critical of me and crave a drink. There are some weekends when he will start drinking late afternoon just to take the “edge” off.
His back will start to hurt more, and he believes drinking takes the pain away. It also curbs his moods, and he becomes happier. He actually is a happy alcoholic. We only fight when I’m not responding or acting how he thinks I should. Usually when I take a stance with regards to his problem. Then watch out – all hell breaks loose. Which is why I’m usually withdrawn – don’t feel like stepping into fires anymore – I typically get burned.
This is a challenge because my mind starts to play tricks on me at this point. I start to listen to Satan and his tactics and feel as though this “is” my fault. Maybe it’s me over reacting. I mean so many others seem to be able to have a few beers at dinner time and enjoy some drinks together. Why can’t we?
And sometimes I think to myself, maybe this is the only way he canfeel better and make his back pain go away. I don’t know what he’s feeling, I don’t know how much pain he’s in. I do know that he’s taking Vicodin while drinking, and this is especially hard on his liver.
Or maybe I’m just hormonal. I know that I have a hard time keeping my emotions under control at times, and I know that I react to his drinking quite abruptly. I start to blame myself for his actions during this time too. But I also know that I have reached many different points of complete frustration and stress.
I do know that hormones to play a part. But I also know that stress and anxiety also have more to do with my ups and downs. I know this is taking it’s toll on me! I feel it in my body. From tightness in my chest, to numbness in parts of my body, to some depression as well.
But this is what transpires. And thus the roller coaster. I seem to always side with JD and give in to his ways. I always accept his apologies and hang on to hope. A hope that I honestly believe will some day match words.
I see the struggles JD goes through, and I’m empathetic to this. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I want him be able to control whatever it is he feels he needs to control. I don’t want to be the one, he feels, is “making” him choose. I don’t want to fight anymore about this. I don’t want to walk on eggshells. I don’t want to see him destroy himself and watch his health continue to decline. I don’t want to see him choose drinking over Jesus Christ as a means of refuge. I don’t want him to feel depressed and defeated. These are all reasons why the roller coaster stays in motion, and why I don’t jump off.
I do know this…..the Lord has equipped me to ride this roller coaster, with Him aboard. I know that I’m suppose to be strong in His Will and do what is right according to what He has called me to do. I know that He will continue to give me strength. And I know that if I continue to seek Him, He will answer my prayers.