Not sure?

I’m sitting across from JD and wish to talk to him about a few things.  But I’m not sure how to begin this conversation, not sure how he’ll react and not sure how to bring some things up to him.  Just plain Not Sure!  So I choose not to talk with him about it at this time because I don’t want to go through this VERY busy day in a fight.  It would squelch my mood and motivation.

It’s been a year since we were on vacation to Lake Powell.  I distinctly remember the last evening on the boat.  JD had way too much to drink, became extremely moody and emotional, and disappeared the entire evening.  I really had no idea where he went to, and left me to pack the whole family up, to leave the following morning.

The next morning came, he had slept on the outside deck upstairs.  We departed from the houseboat.  And as you can imagine, I was not a happy camper.

Didn’t really say much to one another.  It was at breakfast when JD made a pinkie promise to Scott.  He promised he wouldn’t drink for 30 days.  He also had a long talk with the kids about his drinking.  The kids were extremely worried about him the evening before.  The thought he might have fallen into the water or something, and went looking for him as well.

Things have been a roller coaster since this time, as I have posted before.  And JD has been drinking quiet often lately.  Maybe not very much each night, but it’s progressing.  And certainly not slowing down.

Here are my concerns:

  • He’s going to have trouble sleeping, due to his acid reflux and coughing alot.  We are having MJ sleep in our room and I’m afraid he’ll keep him and me up.  JD usually sleeps on the couch at home.  Mainly because he has such sleepless nights and keeps me up with his health issues due to drinking.
  • He’s going to repeat what happened last year.
  • We are going to argue and fight about it.  On the boat and while traveling.
  • It’s just plain embarrassing to me anymore that this has continued for so long.  And I keep on forgiving, continuing and nothing seems to change with regard to the issue.  Oh, I have changed.  I don’t have the same fortitude with regards to our marriage, I don’t seem to be affected in the same ways.  I have put a shield, a wall up around me to protect me.  And in that regard, I have changed.
  • But what I’m most embarrased about has to do with me.  A few weeks ago, I realized something.  I realized that because I’m such a forgiving and supportive person – it continues.  I’m not saying that I am the one to make it stop or different.  But I am saying that I think this roller coaster continues because JD knows that I will always be here.  Hence another merry-go-round that never seems to stop.

At home I can deal with it better.  I’ve had practice on how to, while in my own element and environment.  However, on the trip and on the houseboat, I can’t do what I do to protect myself and the kids.  Lord, I need YOUR help and protection.

Andy Stanley said in his sermon last night: We are to do all we can do in the now (have you/I done everything you/I can do?) and once you’ve/I’ve done all you/I can do, you/I don’t have to worry about the next series, moments, days or hours because your/my heavely Father care for you/me.  And He will take care of the rest.

Philippians 4:6Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Matthew 6:25-27

“For this reason I say to you, do not be anxious for your life, as to what you shall eat, or what you shall drink ; nor for your body, as to what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ” Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? ” And which of you by being anxious can add a single cubit to his life span?

Matthew 6:34“Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. [Each] day has enough trouble of its own.

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