Back from a long, much needed vacation. However, back into the same old drinking dilemma! Actually his drinking has ramped up! He’s drinking quite a bit more and adding mixed drinks.
The comments about lack of sex have started again. His smart-ass remarks about it and our relationship regarding intimacy. But it always continues to amaze me that he doesn’t see how his drinking and our lack of sex go hand-in-hand. If he were to just look at how many nights he drinks, and then correlate it to how many nights we have sex – well there’s your answer!!
I was thinking last night: Does he start drinking, keep drinking and gaining his buzz or intoxication and think to himself that I’m going to just be okay with this? Does it even enter his mind? Does he not even know that his words are slurring and he can’t walk straight? Does he not realize that I just disappear when he gets to this state and I’m not the same person around him? Does this just go over his head? Or does he just NOT CARE about anyone but himself?
Oh, I’ve got the whole routine down now. And I don’t even get mad anymore. I just fit right back into my role I have created for myself, outside of him. And it will continue to deteriorate our marriage until there is nothing left. Because as I’ve stated before: my time is dwindling to how much longer I’ll be able to last.
I continue to feel the stress of this tear me and beat me. And how I work is: through this tearing and beating – I become stronger in ways that are not beneficial to a lasting marriage. I become more independent in myself, not a good attribute to have for a strong marriage.
His words continue to be empty and mean nothing to me. I just really don’t believe them anymore. And because of this, I honestly don’t even want to talk to him about his apologies, or how he wants to change and be different. Of course, all of this being said when he’s sober. Usually after a drinking binge, many consistent nights of drinking or after some sort of realization of his problem. But never being able to change his ways. Or more importantly, never seeking any professional help. Never turning his focus on anyone but himself. And most importantly, never seeking God!!
The other night we were talking about our intimacy. And I told him that if we did just 2 things in our lives, I guarantee him that we would have more sex.
- Seeking God. (Together and individually.)
- Exercising. (Becoming physically fit, and increasing our endurance.)
Doing these 2 things accomplishes so much in life. First of all, if you’re in the Word, you think more about your actions. And you have the Lord’s strength to draw upon. Because alcoholism is a stronghold from Satan, and without God – IT CANNOT BE WON!
Being physically fit means a healthier lifestyle. Working out creates a desire to do things more constructive in life. Not destroying your body.
But as you can tell, JD has so far chosen to fall back into his old habits. And I will continue to guard myself.