Not Going

So JD left yesturday for work @ 1pm.  He picked our daughter up from volleyball @ 4:30, dropped her off at home, and left again to go back to the office.  No hellos, no words spoken.  Actually I don’t think he even came in the house.  This is not typical of him.  Other than when he’s upset and we are fighting.

I decided to email him some information regarding drinking and the effects it has on your blood sugar.  Medical name is for this is: hypoglycemia.  And there is an association to alcoholism and hypoglycemia.  You can read more about what I have researched and found here.

So JD came home about 6:30 from the office.  Shortly after, he asks me if I would like an O’Dules or the kind that spikes blood sugar.  Meaning: would I like to indulge with him in drinking?  I declined both!  He told me he said that to be funny, and “yes” he did read the email.  Obviously he didn’t care!

The evening went on, I had 1 O’Dules and for the most part kept to myself.  He continued drinking.  And again, more than his self-initiated limit.

After the kids were put to bed, he told me to go to bed since I was so tired.  And then included that I could go to the counseling meeting tomorrow morning because he’s not going to go anymore.  If this is the way that I was going to be treating him, then he’s not going anymore.

Oh good one!  You see, in his mind – since we are going to counseling, then everything should be honkey dorey.  He should be able to conduct his life the way he wishes, do things to work on our marriage that are positive, and I shouldn’t get upset with the same old crap that he brings to the marriage.  And by no means should I react in any upset or unkind way.  To him, that would mean that things aren’t going as he planned.  His control.

He did make some comments about how sometimes it’s hard for him to think about not drinking because he feels as though I would look at other men and couples and wish that were us.  He said he thinks it would be best if I were with someone else that didn’t have an additction, and it’s not fair to me.  He feels as if I would hold it against him for the fact that I would also have to quit drinking too.

I continued to explain to him that if you were to fast forward 5 years and our life consisted of not drinking anymore, having a healthier lifestyle, closer relation to each other and God and our family was healthier – I can stand here and tell you that I would not say “boy do I wish we lived as we did 5 years ago!”

He says, “but you would have to stop drinking because of me, and I wouldn’t want you to do that, and so you would be better off not around me because I think that you enjoy drinking too.”

I tell him, “first off, you are the one who is assuming that I would be better off with someone else, I have NEVER said this, nor made you feel that way, that is your own insecurity.  Second, there are times when I engage in drinking with you because quite frankly it’s easier to give in and not fight as much.  I also see your struggles and at times drinking is a quick fix for many things, not just things with you.  But I can also tell you that I have no problem in not drinking at all.  One of the problems with the way things have gone is you want to quit, say you’re going to get help and do nothing about it.  So you’re back on the same path again – trying to handle something you don’t understand on your own.  And I’m in the same position again, either fight an enormous amount or let you think you can try and handle it on your own.  Hence another roller coaster ride.  However, the way I deal with this is much different than before.  I don’t endulge in drining with you and I keep withdrawing from you.  That’s why our marriage has suffered a great deal in the past few years.  I’m not right alongside you with this addiction as I use to be.”

He comments, “why is it so much easier for you to not drink than me?”

“I don’t know, but I know I don’t have the addiction as you do.  And because your path with The Lord is different than mine.  You can’t compare yourself with me or anyone else.  You need to seek help in figuring some things out.  And until you do, you will continue on this same path.  And this path leads to more distruction.”

Pretty much the end of the conversation.  I did go into the bedroom with my computer and watched some more TV.  He came down a bit later and wanted to know where the next season of Lost was.  We are watching Lost on DVD’s and have just ended Season 3.  There were no harmful words or actions to one another.  He went upstairs and slept on the couch – which is where he sleeps 99% of the time.  He sleeps there because he’s usually been drinking and has restless nights and usually keeps me up.  He suffers from acid reflux and other indigestion issues.  All as a result of poor diet, drinking and stress.

So this morning I come upstairs to wake him @8:15am to get ready for the counceling appointment (we are seeing the counselor as individual sessions a few times) and he says he told me last night that he wasn’t going anymore.  I said fine, you call him and cancel!

He got ready and went.  His meeting just ended 5 minutes ago.

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