It’s back! I have been on my knees praying for The Lord to take the anger and pure rage feelings from me. And I have to admit, I took a Valium tonight! I’ve NEVER taken these, they are actually JD’s. But I knew I needed to calm down. I needed to be level-headed for what I knew in my heart was going to transpire.
It’s Thursday evening right now. Short re-cap of the past 2 day/evenings:
Tuesday – JD came home from work and wasn’t feeling well – flu-like symptoms. Which is a result of alcohol. Went to bed early, didn’t drink, didn’t have any interaction with one another.
Wed. – woke up at noon – went into work – came home around 8:30pm – after fantasy football draft – didn’t drink at home (not sure if he had any at the football draft?) – no interaction with one another – went to bed.
Thursday – woke at 11am – he didn’t even say “Good Morning” – I asked him why he was mad at me? He said he wasn’t. Then why the cold shoulder? He said it was because everything at the office was falling apart and he was going to have to lay the entire office of by Monday if things continue this way. That’s why he’s in a bad mood (as per JD). And he left – no kiss goodbye – just a simple “goodbye”.
Later in the day I received an email from him – a reminder to not forget he was going to be out-of-town from 9/10-9/13. He never mentioned this to me, this is the first I knew of this. But oh well – now I know.
He’s home by 5:20pm. Walks in the house with a bunch of Farve t-shirts, jerseys and apparel. Said he’s going to be wearing the jersey to the Twins game tonight. Twins game????? The kids asked who was going? He usually brings one of them. No mention of a Twins game!
He said he was going with Tim T. (He’s one of our neighbors whom I and the kids don’t like! Why? Because he drinks A LOT and is just kind of creepy!) Our son said, “dad, you know why we don’t like that you are going with him? Because he drinks beer way too much!” Ouch – if that didn’t cut to the bone?! Didn’t phase him – he went anyway. Couldn’t let someone else down? Just your family!
I was in the bathroom at this time because that was the ONLY place I could go to keep myself from reaching a point of rage. A point where things would have been flying – objects and words. (It was later in the evening, shortly before he was expected back home that I took the Valium.) And of course, a place where I could go to cry and the kids wouldn’t see Mom crying. Praying was also happening at this point! Because The Lord is the only thing that kept me from exploding!!
He left. And this is the text I forwarded:
I’m DONE! You are a FREE man! AGAIN – you relayed quite vividly what YOUR priorities are! And this one might be the biggest slap in my face! Maybe you can discuss intimate planning with him and then sleep the afternoons away at his house! Because I’m not doing this anymore! It’s also quite clear you also don’t care about what your kids think! Or maybe more so that you care more about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in the kitchen, fixing dinner for the kids, and looked over at his briefcase. The other day I was looking for the extra set of keys in his briefcase. He told me not to go in the 3rd pocket because he had a surprise he forgot to give me in there. I asked if it was something he could give me now? He responded with, “no, not right now!” And I believed him. But tonight, something prompted me to go look. Still not having any clue as to what I would find. And I found 2 bottles of hard liquor!
You want to talk about rage!!?? My whole body turned a bright shade of red, my face was steaming hot and my heart was pounding like I had just ran 20 miles. I would say that was adrenalin!
So I went to text him the following:
My surprise in your briefcase was 2 bottles of hard liquor!!!??? Oh how thoughtful of you! I’ll be sure to NOT return the favor of surprises! You f***ing liar! Trust? I don’t believe a damn word you have to or HAD to say! Find another place to go tonight!
It’s 11pm right now. I’m waiting for him to return home. The game is actually still going, bottom of the 9th. His bags are packed and on the front doorstep with him briefcase, keys to his care are on top. (Tim, the neighbor, drove to the game.) All the doors are locked, shades pulled and there is no way of him getting into the house (there is no house key on the key chain). Unless he broke a window. Which he’s tried to do in the past.
I might be back tonight. Journaling what happened. It’s strange – but when I write it out – I feel a little better!