CS 9/21/10

Counseling session today went okay!?

We can’t seem to get past resentments, anger, and issues of the past.

Actually the meat of the conversation began the evening before.  Monday evening came around and since we had cancelled the previous weeks session because we hadn’t done any of the things Dr. Hanson wanted us to do.  There seemed to be no point in going, since we had nothing new to cover.  And since we hadn’t made the time to do the things we needed to be doing.  Some of the reasons were valid, and some not. 

So another week passed, and Monday before the next meeting seemed to be pressing on us.  I said we at least need to sit down and talk about how we are going to plan time together.

This didn’t go so well!  Actually there was a point where it looked as if it could erupt into a major argument.  And this carried over to the session.  Which didn’t seem to be a bad option since we couldn’t resolve some of the issues on our own.

The issues at hand:

  1. JD can’t get past the felling that I don’t find him physically attractive anymore and I don’t want him in a sexual way (the way I use to).
  2. I can’t get past trust issues that have led to me becoming distant towards him.  Not wanting anything to do with him due to how his past drinking has hurt me, made me not trust him and be put on guard all the time.  This doesn’t create a very loving and affectionate marriage.
  3. JD thinks that I should be able to be intimate almost on the drop of a dime.  (I know….a little exaggeration!)  But he can’t understand that when the kids don’t get to sleep until 11:30pm – and that’s ALL kids! – at that point I’m exhausted!  The kids may be in bed by 9pm – but are still awake at the late hours.  And the youngest (22 mos.) has his room right next to ours.  Quite frankly – the child chatter and calling out when he hears something is just not doing anything for me to get in the mood!!  And the fact that our older children seem to have a magnet to mom whenever I am going to do anything with JD.  Being in the mood just isn’t happening.
  4. His tenderness that I fell in love with.   And is not there anymore.  A tenderness that is not just about having sex and filling that need of a man.  But someone who’s got my back.  Someone who I can trust and hand my heart over to again.

There are other points, but these seem to be the main ones.  And we just keep going round-and-round with these.

It does upset me when I have brought up (at other times too) that I have been hurt from the past behaviors and actions due to drinking and JD thinks I’m over reacting.  And that our marriage has not been “that bad” for me to have such resentments.  You know….how quickly an alcoholic forgets about the past actions and what they are doing to everyone around them.

But that all aside.  Dr. Hanson – again – said we need to start off with planning time together.  And yes – planning intimate times together.  And JD is (for the time being) going to have to get over the feeling that in doing this – it’s forced.  He mentioned that this is a start and things will not always be this way.  But just a place to begin.


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