No interest

While out doing some errands on Tuesday, I picked up an encouraging card to give to JD.  I filled it out with some nice words, and put it in his laptop computer Wednesday morning.  He thanked me for the very nice card when he came home Wed. afternoon for lunch and to pick up a few things.

Tuesday he also attended another AA meeting.  This was brought up during our session yesterday.  The fact that he said he hadn’t been attending the meeting like he said he would.   And the fact that he had been engaging in light drinking while at some business events.  Nothing out of hand, and nothing that was over done.  But it’s letting “The Beast” back in.  He mentioned it was not a problem for him only having a couple and he feels so much different this time regarding the drinking issues.  But is also fearful of “The Beast”!

Wednesday evening we went out together for a little while, to do a couple of things.  It was a nice time together – alone – without the kids.  Love our kids – but they do rule the goings on in the house!  This is an issue we are covering in counseling as well.  Trying to move away from a child-centered home.

We came home about 8:45, our oldest was rocking and putting our youngest down for bed.  This was both precious and a breath of fresh air!  The kids got into bed around 9:30.  But again, ALL the kids didn’t fall asleep until 11:30ish. 

During this time JD was downstairs in our room waiting for me.  He made no mistake about letting me know that he was waiting.  Knowing full well all the kids were still up.  I came down at one point, we had a nice passionate kiss together and he said he was still waiting for me.  Time passed and he ended up falling asleep because obviously I didn’t go down until after the kids were asleep – 11:30pm.

I came down to go to bed – he left to sleep on the couch.  Which in itself is not unusual.  But he was doing it last night because he was upset at me. 

I left for my bible study early in the a.m., he left for work while I was at bible study. 

After I came home from bible study, I talked with our daughter about hiring her for every Friday evening to babysit – and it’s a paid position!  I mean I would have to pay someone else if this were arranged – so why not her!! 

Every other Friday we are going to be attending a new small group.  So the opposite Friday’s I was trying to – PLAN!  Plan for our dates, intimate times or just getting this planning thing off the ground.  Since JD obviously wasn’t, isn’t and hasn’t done any sort of planning.  Or even brain storming to start the ball rolling!  I decided to do something about it!  Which is usually the case for me being the one who’s done anything proactive and positive for this marriage in the recent past!  I’m the one who pushed for counseling, has put the foot down to addictive behaviors, put an effort out to strengthen our marriage through small groups, bible studies, or anything that would require planning.  So be it – I’ll do it!

I called many times to discuss this option, but he ignored my calls.  After 6 unsuccessful tries – he did finally answer.  And answer in a VERY cold voice.  Not surprised!!

I talked about the previous night.  How we have gone around and around regarding intimate night times “in the home” not being a viable option due to our children’s bedtime patterns.  We know this, have talked about this repeatedly and have come to the conclusion (like it or not) that it’s just not going to happen in the immediate future.  We are currently working on the children’s bedtime, to enable us to spend more time together.  But I did come up with a plan!  I told him about the Friday option of going out together. 

You see, we have an RV.  And this could be our only escape away from the kids where we can be together.

His response was not very enthusiastic – I brought attention to this fact.  And his response was, “I just don’t have any interest!”  Ouch!  He proceeded to say that he’s tired of dealing with this issue, fighting about it and doing anything about it.  WOW! 

Well, let’s just keep going to counseling, trying to come up with ways to build our marriage, keep talking about it ——- to reach this point??!!  A point where something is worked out, a plan is in motion and his response:  NO INTEREST!

His way or no way I guess!

Let’s go back to the fact that over time I have built a wall to protect myself from his past actions as a result of drinking.  And I’m suppose to start to trust him and let him back in.  However, it’s his way all the time.

I question whether or not he’ll continue to attend the AA meetings, or if he’ll still try to handle his addictions on his own, and if I’ll open myself up to deeper hurt from his.  And this really doesn’t help the opening of my heart!!!!

Right now – I’m at a loss!  I really feel like throwing my hands up and saying “I quit!”  Nothing I do is ever right, good enough, or received by him!  And how am I suppose to react to this?

God – I truly need You to take over!  I lay EVERYTHING at the foot of the cross!

Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you; He will never allow the [consistently] righteous to be moved (made to slip, fall, or fail). Psalm 55:22

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