Holding of the Tongue

I hold my tongue because….

  1. It’s what the Lord commands.  That’s not easy to do!  An unloading would make me feel so much better – for the time being.
  2. Because I don’t want the kids to hear/witness my harsh, and unnecessary words to JD.  Unlike the words he throws at me.  And some day, if our marriage doesn’t survive, it will be what they have witnessed as to the opinions/conclusions they will form.
  3. I just don’t have the energy to fight anymore!  It’s better for me to stay quiet and wait for his berating to pass, then it is to get all worked up and fuel the fire.  Because no matter what I say, it gets thrown back, and harsher!

JD hasn’t had a drink in over a week now.  He’s under a great deal of stress and pressure at work – and so am I at the home front!  He came home last night and said he really felt the need for a drink – but he didn’t.

However, this is his way of handling it.  He’s all pent-up inside.  And he’s not going to any meetings.  We cancelled our session last Tuesday because of his work load right now.  And to top it off, we are not doing anything that we’ve been assigned to do.  But he expects me to take care of his needs at night.  And again, not doing what we have discussed as being important in our marriage to support and enhance the intimate times.  So the round and round in a circle continues.  As does the insanity.  You know….doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results – INSANE!

This all started when I asked him to pick our daughter up from her first class today.  We usually carpool with another family, and they are not going due to illness.  This leaves me in a bit of a bind because I have 2 other children.  One who’s 10 and one who’s 2.  I home school our kids, so I would be leaving the other kids at home because the 2 y/o is still sleeping.  So I asked JD if he could pick her up and bring her to his office, which is 1/2 way between her class and our house.  Where I would come get her around noon to bring her to a science class.  This is different from most Wednesdays, because there’s no carpooling today.

Long story-short: he says I can’t keep doing this to him.  I need to figure out what to do and not ask him for help.  So I told him that I would be picking her up.  And of course, his response was, “oh no, I’m not going to let you put this guilt trip on me!”  I said, “well, then there will be 2 of us showing up to pick her up”.  And his reply was, “if you do that and waste my time, I won’t be coming home tonight!”

Here we go again!  Secure feeling right now?!  NOT!

This past weekend I made a comment about the small business I was doing on eBay.  How it’s bringing in some nice cash.  In addition, it’s nice to know that we have something if the business isn’t always doing as well as it has.  I mean come on, from past experience, we have had serious financial situations and until recent, JD’s life patterns had not changed in many ways.  Let’s add to the past experiences, the fact that he doesn’t make me feel secure in our marriage most of the time.  Where does this leave me feeling?  Like I need to cover my ass!

Case in point with his remarks today!  He makes me feel so vulnerable with his threats of not coming back.  Or his actual physical leaving with bags packed all the time and staying over night at either friends, hotels or his office.  I don’t feel like he’s committed until the end.  And since I have given my life to my children, that leaves me financially vulnerable.  Not a pleasant place to be!

So today, I’m very defensive!  Feel like I need to scramble and do things all for myself.  Whether it be increase the business I have started, raise and care for my children or just think of myself – not my husband!  Unfortunately, living with an alcoholic forces you to respond this way much of the time.  Withdraw and become self-sufficient.  Because you can’t count on your spouse to fill these needs, be rational and level-headed, or be there in ways you would like.  Ways God has intended.

It’s hardened hearts on both the husband and wife.  Again, not what God intends.

So my prayer would be……softened hearts.  Mine too!

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