Sunday morning arrived. JD had slept on the couch the evening before. I woke at 7am. I’m typically not a morning person. But when you fall asleep (hard) @9:30pm. Waking at 7am is no problem. Got ready for church before anyone was up and had some time to myself.
Woke the kids up to get ready and JD woke at 10am. Got ready and we headed to church.
What an awesome sermon! The main point was: time. What do you/I do with the time that we/I have? Choose it wisely.
And illustration was given. The one where there’s 2 containers. One 1/2 full with rice. And one filled with rocks. The rocks represent things in your life that are of the utmost importance. The things that are not variables. i.e. family, God, church, work, rest, marriage, etc. The rice represents EVERYTHING else. i.e. TV, video games, internet, shopping, basically anything that takes away from the rocks in your life.
Try to put the rocks into the container that already has the rice (the extras in life) and the rocks will not fit. You can’t get ALL the rocks into the container.
Now…….put the rocks into an empty container: First. Then pour the rice into the container, with the rocks in it, and low and behold – ALL the rice fits.
Choose your rocks first, put them in the container – making sure there are not too many rocks. Then fill in with all the extras in your life.
Before we left for church. JD noticed the bottle I set on the counter. Apparently he didn’t see it the night before. And asked when I did that. I told him last night. I’m not your “liquor police” nor will I be your warden. Knowing full well he’s going to take this as a get out of jail token for drinking. And I feared this at the time.
Later that day, he informed me that he was going to have some drinks during the game tonight. The Vikings/Packers game. And he said that in doing so he promises that he won’t get mad during the game. Like he usually does. He usually rants and raves, yelling at the TV and players and virtually making it not so nice for everyone else watching the game to be in the same room. Not a pleasant thing to watch a grown man act in a way that his children would be punished for. Helllloooooo!
I didn’t give much attention to the whole matter. Not giving my opinion on the drinking matter. Basically not saying ANYTHING in regards to it. He’ll do whatever he wishes sooner or later anyway.
He also had been doing A LOT of various chores and things around the house that day. He does this much of the time. However, when there’s drinking that becomes involved, it’s as though this is a reward for him. Like I should just shut-up and not have any opinion or feelings towards the drinking because of all the stuff he does do. I recognize how helpful he is. But also don’t see it as a tally system.
Time for the game. He started drinking shortly after the game started. I said nothing, I acted no different and had no response to his drinking. He kept his cool throughout the game.
After the game, the kids were put to bed. I came up from downstairs and I can’t find him. Weird! Looked in the kids rooms, downstairs, bathrooms, basically everywhere in the house – no JD! Weird! Looked in the cupboard where the booze is kept – no bottle. Looked in the cabinet where the keys are kept. RV keys are gone. I go outside to look in the RV. And what do I find? JD sitting in the dark, at the table in the RV, with his computer and bottle – drinking!
Rage is back! I hate it when that happens! I hate the person I become! I really don’t like myself, what I think and feel at that time.
I walk back in the house, lock the doors and windows. Draw all the shades and turn the lights out. He can sleep in the RV!! But I do send off 2 nasty emails. The first one: “I can’t believe you! F/U, F/U, F/U!” (Yes, sorry but I did use fowl language. Not very becoming of me – I do know!)
Then the second (which he didn’t pick up until the next day): “You can take your rock and shove it us your a@%!” Yet another rage of the moment remark!
The morning came. The office was continually calling because he was to be in a meeting NOW. And of course, he’s still sleeping it off in the RV. Our son does go out and tell him Lisa from the office has been trying to get ahold of him. He comes in the house and does a quick get ready, and out the door. I avoided him.
In addition to an email JD sent me to cancel our Tuesday counseling session. Which I responded with the counselors # and said he could do it. The follwing emails went around:
—– Original Message —–
Sent: Monday, October 25, 2010 2:47:10 PM
Do you really think it is necessary for you to be like this to me when I am totally beating myself up. The F*&% You emails really don’t have any kind of positive impact on me. Rather, they have the complete opposite effect.
I did not intend to do what I did last night. It was not a conscious thing at all. Obviously I don’t have the kind of control over my drinking that I had hoped. To think that what I did was malicious in any way is completely misguided.
Let me know if this is how you intend to carry on so I can respond accordingly.
Sent: Monday, October 25, 2010 3:39 PM
And how do you think I should respond? Obviously you have an idea of how you think I should behave, or react each time.
I really didn’t intend for the F/U emails to have a positive impact. That would decrease the value of the F/U coming from me.
Malicious? It’s not a matter of being malicious. It’s simply a matter of decisions that I am forced to be faced with.
I was thinking this morning about your advice to your parents regarding the girls. And how you keep telling your parents to not let the girls get away with the things they keep doing. Enabling them only hurts them. And how unhealthy the relationship is between your parents and the girls. And then I think of how I’ve had to adjust and cope with “The Beast”. I don’t think I enable anymore. But I also will not be the “warden” or “alcohol police”. Tell me what you advice would be to someone who’s in my shoes?
What I can tell you is that my time is running short. And I don’t like the person that I have become in order to cope with “The Beast”. This causes much evaluation. And as you can see through counseling, there is much deeper wounds that need to be addressed and tended to in order for healing to happen. Which I was starting to feel as though we were making some progress.
It seems as though we have come so far. But then I think you self-sabotage. Do you think it’s odd that you decide to drink just days before our next scheduled meeting? And this isn’t the 1st time. A meeting that we would not have much to report back with. And don’t go mistaking that I’m putting any blame on you for that! I know that I had to decline at least 2 possible date opportunities. Opportunities that didn’t end up happening for kid related issues or plans. But we also have not done anything in regards to Quiet Times/Devotions. Yes, it started out as funny, and when I was sick for over a week – it all fizzled – and then there was none.
Carry on? Again, how do you think I should carry on? It’s as if you think I have no feelings. Or I should be some sort of robot and act this way when this button is pushed, or that way when another button is pushed. By this time, my reactions should be no surprise to you! I have made myself very clear how I feel and how I respond.
Sent: Mon, Oct 25, 2010 16:50:40 CDT
While last night can be considered a bump in the road, it certainly does not undo the last 6 months. For you to go off like this, to the point of “running out of time” is, quite frankly, ridiculous. And to compare our situation with the parent-child relationship between my parents and my sisters is rather demeaning.
I am quite capable of recognizing my own weaknesses, and dealing with them accordingly. However, your “doom and gloom” attitude towards me does not lend much encouragement.
It is very troubling to learn that our relationship is hanging by such a thin thread that there is absolutely no margin for error. If you just can’t take it anymore, then be done with me.
Sent: Monday, October 25, 2010 5:51 PM
You are right about many things. The no room for error, and it may come across as doom/gloom – but it more represents “how many more times?” And at what point is it when this is not an issue? It seems insane to know something and do that exact opposite. And I’m more upset with myself for the insanity.
My referrence to your parents was to illustrate how you give good advice to them, but expect something different in your own situation. Also mentioned in the question: what would you tell someone in our situation?
I can discuss further but I’m just dropping Faith off at the edge for vball and the boys are at home
Connected by MOTOBLUR™ on T-Mobile
The next post will be about Monday evening. I have to get to bed:)