Monday evening

JD picked our daughter up from volleyball and came right home.  Didn’t say a word to me.  Went downstairs into our bedroom, got into bed and started watching the Monday night football game.

I came downstairs and said, “What?  Are we not going to discuss anything?”

His response, “What’s there to discuss?”

This turned into a huge fight.  One in which I reiterated my points as mentioned in the emails.  My reasons of becoming so angry the night before and I am sorry if my reactions are viewed as me not noticing the efforts and positives on his part.

He told me that he’s sick of being on edge all the time.  He does so much for me, the kids and around the house and it is never appreciated.  He busts his butt working and providing for us.  We live in a beautiful house and have so many luxuries – and how do I think these are all accomplished?  I seem to think that he’s just this big lump on a log, lazy individual who does nothing and that I don’t appreciate anything he does.  That I make him feel as though nothing is good enough.

I reminded him that I have NEVER said that, NEVER have I even thought that and that is so unfair to say anything of the sort.  I do appreciate ALL that he does.  But it is really interesting that he has brought up all these things, that have always been addressed in our counseling session as not an issue, and he had never addressed any of the things I do keep bringing up in counseling.  Things that are needed in our marriage.  Like closeness, caring, stronger spiritual leadership, modeled behavior for our children, coming together through quiet times, mostly all the intangible things that make a marriage/relationship stronger – and lasting.

He addressed the fact about his “problem” and it is something that “he” will deal with “on his own”!  My comment, “and that’s been working real well for ya, hasn’t it?”  Which of course, led to the fact of his only drinking 4 times in the past month, and of those times he’s only “over-done” it 1 time, and almost 2 times.  And how he has been able to control his drinking.  But I of course pay not attention to the progress he has made.

This simply is not so!  I do recognize it.  And I do think it’s wonderful!  But the mere statement of how “he’s going to control it”.  And telling me again that NO ONE is going to tell him what, how, when or where to.  This is “his” problem and he’ll handle it.  (Seen this before!!)

JD also informed me that he asked several people what they thought about my over-reacting Sunday night and my emails.  And each one was amazed at how I acted and what I did to him!  I asked who he talked to.  Wouldn’t tell me.  Doesn’t matter.  I said they are probably friends of yours that don’t know the “entire” history.  They also probably don’t know we’ve been going to counseling and the promises you have personally made to me.  (These are probably friends who act/behave like he does.  Which includes his brother.)  No response from him.  Which tells me that I’m right.

Many more words were exchanged, all in an argument.  He ended with calling me a “b**ch” and “c*nt”.  Packed his bags and left.

You know what was really interesting to me with his leaving this time?  The kids were really not too phased by it.  They asked where he was going, and when he would be back.  He said “I’m going for a while and don’t know when I’ll be back”.  When he left, things were mostly as usual.  No crying this time from the kids.  No questions.  No response.

It was a night when they called him and said they missed him.  Asked when he was coming back.  Where he was.  And our son made him promise he would be back the next night.  Which apparently he did promise.

My feelings at this point?  Have none!  I really don’t care anymore.  I really do like it when he’s not around.  I really don’t like to have to put up with any of this anymore.  And I have been thinking of what life would be like not being married.  I mean, not being with anyone.  Being responsible for myself and my children – only.  Finally taking care of myself.

And this my friends is a scary place to be.  This signifies the beginning to an end.

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