It just dawned on me today– Why I avoid date nights. It’s because I know JD’s idea of a date night is going out to dinner and having drinks. That’s what we’ve always done in the past. Have enjoyed doing it. But now, going out on a date – what do we do? There have been so many things in our lives that have centered around drinking, what does life look like without it? I’m comfortable not drinking, but I know JD isn’t. So that fact makes me feel on edge. Makes me always have doubts as to what he really wants to do or be doing.
I think this is one of the lies we tell ourselves. And one of the reasons why we fall in Satan’s trap of: What now? How do I do this or that without having alcohol involved? I mean, it’s all around. Socially, business, holidays, family get-togethers, neighbors, etc. You name it – it’s attached. Well, except when Christ is at the center or focus. This is all we know. This
is was our life. What does it mean to go out, have a good time without drinking?
I haven’t had a drink in almost 5 months. I don’t miss it. And I don’t want it. JD on the other hand doesn’t have these same convictions. He does at certain times. That’s when the lies start to come in. And it’s because he’s still trying to do it “on his own”! He hasn’t sought out any outside support, hasn’t had anything to do with meetings or help. And most importantly, he hasn’t given this over to God. His heart is still hard on the subject and thinks he can do it by himself.
I mentioned the movie Fireproof in my last posting. Our counselor had made reference to Caleb’s (Kirk Cameron’s) heart, and correlation to the turning point in the movie. My life and story has not reached that turning point. And my belief is that until that point, I will have to deal with alcohol in my life/marriage/relationship to JD.
So let’s get back to the title of “Date Night”.
JD called earlier today to see if we could go out on a date with a few drinks, after our lake association meeting. I mentioned that it could be a possibility.
As the day went on. I had this deep feeling of “no”, I’m not going to go on a date and have drinks. I truly feel as though I have been called by God to stick very strong in my convictions to not drink, support and accept JD’s drinking and to not put myself or JD in a compromising situation that would challenge this.
I called him and told him how I felt. I also asked him why he hasn’t ever asked me about the last appointment with the counselor, or why he doesn’t want to schedule another one? He said he really didn’t want to know, and didn’t feel as if he needed to know. He knew it was probably all about him. I didn’t go into any detail, but I did share the Fireproof reference. He didn’t remember that part of the movie and really didn’t get the whole reference to it. I didn’t elaborate anymore. It was a nice conversation and we decided we could go and start Christmas shopping instead. He did even mention going to a coffee shop and having a time together. I felt understood and respected for this.
However, we went to the lake association meeting, and some friends and neighbors were there. Some individuals who do absolutely NOTHING to help themselves or anyone else in the quest to not drink. And some who should. (No judgement there or anything?!) They were meeting up at Boston’s Pizza restaurant to have some drinks and asked if we wanted to go. It must have been asked prior as well, because one of the guys (the one who would love for JD to continue to be his drinking partner) made reference to going shopping and then stopping after.
I said nothing.
But JD asked if we should/could go!? I said I really didn’t want to go hang out with just guys, especially a specific person – don’t really enjoy his company.
We get into the car and he said we could to and talk to Dave (another of the friends-who really doesn’t drag JD into the drinking as much) about a possible business situation.
At this point, I certainly can tell that this is what JD REALLY wants to do. I say “fine”. However, I don’t let on to the fact that I’m going to just drop him off at the front door. And I’m NOT going in. I’m not going to go over this again. He knew how I felt about it earlier. What had changed since then? And why on earth would I want to sit in a bar with these guys, while JD was drinking and feel so damn good about it?
I drive to the restaurant, pull up to the front, and tell him that I’m not going. Yep, he was really surprised. I stated that he knew how I felt, and it didn’t matter. I also told him that I’m not going to stop him, and know this is really what you want to do – so please GO! And have one of the guys drop you off at home. Just as they had already offered to do.
He said “no way, that’s NOT what he wants. Let’s just go shopping as we had planned”. But as you can imagine, the mood was quite different. The air was pretty thick at this moment. And I really don’t feel like going shopping now! Quite the buzz rec!
We pulled into a parking spot and exchanged how we felt. He stated that he would like me to understand how it was a very difficult situation with knowing that he can’t go out with them, and really wants to. I DO understand this. But I find it very disrespectful that he would put me in that kind of situation. The very place I felt earlier. When we discussed it before going out. What do you expect of me?
He further went on to say that he will not ever put me in that kind of situation again, and he’ll make his own decisions. Not including me on these decisions.
Remember my points about his pride, self-righteousness and doing things “on his own”? This kind of mixture doesn’t build relationships, lasting marriages or trust for me! His heart is still not with the Lord on this matter. His heart is still very hard. And my walls are still up and will continue to be until I know and trust alcohol is not an issue in our home.
We arrived back home. He immediately went downstairs. Got pj’s on and hopped into bed.
I came down with our 2 year old. While rocking with him, he went back upstairs. This is where he’s at right now and where he’ll sleep. Hasn’t said a word. And my guess is we’ll be in the silent mode for a couple of days. This really doesn’t phase me anymore. I’m use to it. At times it’s nice – I don’t have to argue or walk on eggshells. But it does get to me and brings my moods into areas that I don’t want or need to go. An energy sucker.
Until next time…….