Going Back….wards

This has 2 meanings

  1. Going back: Tonight I wanted to read the posts from this blog (my journaling), from the beginning, up to…..well, as far as time allowed.  It got late!!  However, I realized many things!
  2. Going backwards:  Tonight I also realized how I’ve gone backwards in my journey!  Ouch!!!!

As I read through my posts, from the beginning up until Sept. 17, 2010, I realized just what I’ve been through, what I’ve put up with AND (unfortunately) just what has not changed.  This has to do with me too!  The areas where I have not changed.  Thought I had, but in reality…..I haven’t.

I still sugar coat my husbands addictions, I still make excuses for him and I’m STILL stuck in the same ruts as I have been in years past.  Just with different substances in which my husband abuses.

Our intimate life is non-existent, and he thinks it’s funny as he’s out of town right now to make jokes about how I MUST have someone here with me—–having an affair.  Trust me, the last thing on my mind right now is sexual affection – from him or anyone else!  I have absolutely NO interest in a sexual or emotional relationship with anyone!!

But it IS really annoying that he keeps land blasting me with it!  Yep…..while he has been drinking!  He’s out of town at his sisters.  Who incidentally has a major drinking and drug abuse issue.  Nice surroundings, don’t ya think?

Backwards…….JD is still on opiate type drugs.  Suboxone!  Had to use this to get off of Vicodin.  And has been drinking too!  No, we don’t drink at our home, but it’s been excessive.  Drinks at other people’s houses, his family’s house and when he can away from the home.  It has been a blessing that we do not drink in our home.

But…..addiction is still present!  His battle with Vicodin has been replaced with Suboxone, and has even dabbled with Adderall and Vivance. All quite addictive, all mood altering medications, all guiding him down the path of guards down and ramping up addictive behaviors.

Actually, as I sat and read the blog – I cried!  Mostly because I’m still here in the trenches, and I probably didn’t even realize it!

Summary of life right now:

  • He sleeps 12-15 hours a day.  I make excuses for it.  His health, been through so much in the past 4-5 years, he’s on medication that makes him sleep, lack of desire due to everything, the list goes on-and-on —-AGAIN!
  • We are not in The Word.  We don’t do anything together that remotely resembles a Christian family.  Yes, we do pray, say the blessing at meals, talk about our actual beliefs, those types of “Christian” things.  But I have been majorly requesting to get involved in a small group.  Our pastor has reached out, and JD doesn’t respond.  We don’t go to church on an even semi-regular basis.  It’s…..very dry!
  • We have numerous conversations as to what needs to change.  And it doesn’t!  Getting the children to bed at a reasonable time so we can spend time together, doing things to strengthen our marriage (like date nights) and we do sometimes – but not regularly.  And when we do, it involves drinking.  I seriously don’t think we have gone out on a date without drinking.  How did I get here again?
  • ENABLER!
  • I am the one who is in at the office most of the time.  Everyone wishes they had access to JD, but since he doesn’t get up until Noon to 1pm – that’s not possible!  I don’t even have access to him.
  • He has no desire for anything.  He’s hallow inside.  And he wishes for me to be more of a wife to and for him.  I have all I can do to manage the home and business, let alone anything for myself.  This summer I have had many opportunities to myself because JD has taken the boys on a couple different trips.  Camping and to his families house in WI.  This has been good on many levels.  But also a time to reflect – which is what has prompted even more reflecting.  Especially after I receive some very disturbing text messages.

 

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4 responses to “Going Back….wards

  • Laura

    I just found your blog today. Thank you so much for sharing. Our situations are similar and different. But it’s strangely comforting knowing others are fighting the same battle. I recently received some advice to stop “nagging” my husband about his drinking. I committed to this on Sunday, and have not said one word about it to him. He’s been drinking twice as much and has said maybe 5 sentences to me in the last four days. Now I’m “nagging” God through prayer. At least I know God is listening, and will remember what I even said the next day. I will be praying for you, too, and all of us who chose to stay and love and fight. All of us who pick up everyone else’s pieces and try not to fall to pieces ourselves.

  • Bri

    Hi Alli,

    I know it’s been a while since you posted anything, but I just found your blog tonight after a particularly trying night, and can’t tell you how much I can relate. I’ve read some of the darker posts and am terribly sorry for all that you and your family have been through. I’m praying for you and would love to know how you all are doing.
    As you have mentioned many times, it can get lonely out there, especially when your husband passes out in the car ride to dinner at LoneStar with another family, and tries to rally, but just needs to be escorted back to the car to pass out again. Then try to save a little face by having a decent dinner while taking care of two kids by myself, knowing the other family is judging us, to come out to the car to a pile of puke outside in the parking lot and do the whole bed time routine by myself….and now too stressed to sleep….that didn’t happen tonight or anything haha. It totally did! :\ Ugh, but I’m praying, praying, praying. I don’t know when the hard limit of enough is though. This is hard, but I really do value your words and how you and your family are well.

    Bri

    • wivesforchrist

      Hi Bri!
      Hope you had a nice Christmas and New Years! Been thinking of you and praying you are doing well!
      We are doing okay. Still battling with addictions: prescription medications. UGH!
      I have not been keeping up on my posts because of life! I’m now collecting my thoughts and timeline and putting them into words. This tends to be therapeutic for me and I have truly loved connecting with others who are in the midst of the addiction battle. We are NOT alone! Even if satan wants us to think we are, distorts the truth and has us believing the lies – we are NOT alone!! AND we WILL have victory over this!!
      How have you been?
      Stay strong Bri!
      Blessings!
      Alli

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