This has 2 meanings
- Going back: Tonight I wanted to read the posts from this blog (my journaling), from the beginning, up to…..well, as far as time allowed. It got late!! However, I realized many things!
- Going backwards: Tonight I also realized how I’ve gone backwards in my journey! Ouch!!!!
As I read through my posts, from the beginning up until Sept. 17, 2010, I realized just what I’ve been through, what I’ve put up with AND (unfortunately) just what has not changed. This has to do with me too! The areas where I have not changed. Thought I had, but in reality…..I haven’t.
I still sugar coat my husbands addictions, I still make excuses for him and I’m STILL stuck in the same ruts as I have been in years past. Just with different substances in which my husband abuses.
Our intimate life is non-existent, and he thinks it’s funny as he’s out of town right now to make jokes about how I MUST have someone here with me—–having an affair. Trust me, the last thing on my mind right now is sexual affection – from him or anyone else! I have absolutely NO interest in a sexual or emotional relationship with anyone!!
But it IS really annoying that he keeps land blasting me with it! Yep…..while he has been drinking! He’s out of town at his sisters. Who incidentally has a major drinking and drug abuse issue. Nice surroundings, don’t ya think?
Backwards…….JD is still on opiate type drugs. Suboxone! Had to use this to get off of Vicodin. And has been drinking too! No, we don’t drink at our home, but it’s been excessive. Drinks at other people’s houses, his family’s house and when he can away from the home. It has been a blessing that we do not drink in our home.
But…..addiction is still present! His battle with Vicodin has been replaced with Suboxone, and has even dabbled with Adderall and Vivance. All quite addictive, all mood altering medications, all guiding him down the path of guards down and ramping up addictive behaviors.
Actually, as I sat and read the blog – I cried! Mostly because I’m still here in the trenches, and I probably didn’t even realize it!
Summary of life right now:
- He sleeps 12-15 hours a day. I make excuses for it. His health, been through so much in the past 4-5 years, he’s on medication that makes him sleep, lack of desire due to everything, the list goes on-and-on —-AGAIN!
- We are not in The Word. We don’t do anything together that remotely resembles a Christian family. Yes, we do pray, say the blessing at meals, talk about our actual beliefs, those types of “Christian” things. But I have been majorly requesting to get involved in a small group. Our pastor has reached out, and JD doesn’t respond. We don’t go to church on an even semi-regular basis. It’s…..very dry!
- We have numerous conversations as to what needs to change. And it doesn’t! Getting the children to bed at a reasonable time so we can spend time together, doing things to strengthen our marriage (like date nights) and we do sometimes – but not regularly. And when we do, it involves drinking. I seriously don’t think we have gone out on a date without drinking. How did I get here again?
- I am the one who is in at the office most of the time. Everyone wishes they had access to JD, but since he doesn’t get up until Noon to 1pm – that’s not possible! I don’t even have access to him.
- He has no desire for anything. He’s hallow inside. And he wishes for me to be more of a wife to and for him. I have all I can do to manage the home and business, let alone anything for myself. This summer I have had many opportunities to myself because JD has taken the boys on a couple different trips. Camping and to his families house in WI. This has been good on many levels. But also a time to reflect – which is what has prompted even more reflecting. Especially after I receive some very disturbing text messages.