I really do not necessarily believe in coincidence! I more so believe in Devine intervention!!
Summary of this last week (or so):
JD has tried once before to rid himself of Suboxone and it wasn’t successful. He was going for it again. He had attempted different concoctions in the recent past, which included taking only a little Adderall and even going back to taking just a little Vicodin! All were unsuccessful! And each time he was out of control with depression, moodiness, and sleeping even more. So he agreed to always let me know what his plan is – before doing it!
So last week was the time he was going cold-turkey. He made it 3 days, and couldn’t take it – started taking Suboxone again. Friday night he went to a neighbors and drank. Tonight (Sunday) he went to a neighbors and drank. (Remember: we don’t consume alcohol in our house. And this has also been held to lightly! We go out on the boat – away from the house – and have some drinks. Or we will go into the RV and have some. So – really – not so much!!)
But tonight – he drank a considerable amount. I had to go into the office. And our youngest son was over at the neighbors, so that’s where JD ended up. Our son was going to be doing a sleepover and he asked if I could swing by and pick him up after I was done at the office – which was around 10pm. (The neighbor lives across the lake some. We pretty much call everyone on the lake a neighbor.)
So……when I was done – I stopped in. Wanted to say “goodnight” to my little boy and say “Hi!” to everyone. I did end up having 1 beer. But I could tell JD was drunk!
As soon as I walked in, he grabbed me and tried to give me a huge kiss and grabbed my butt. He reeked like booze really bad!
I find it highly insulting that he only really shows any kind of affection towards me unless he’s been drinking. I mean like a kiss, hug or touching of any kind unless he wants some or has been drinking. And quite frankly – I want NO part of the drinking aspect!
We left after I had 1 beer to go home and watch a movie with our daughter.
When we got home, I went into the TV room and JD made something to eat. We didn’t say a word to each other. He then disappeared. I assumed he just went to bed. And I stayed in the TV room, watched a show with my daughter and did some work on my phone.
After the show, about 12:15, our daughter went to bed. I wasn’t really tired, so I stayed up in the TV room and did some work. Actually I was doing some revising on this blog. And this email came through:
To: Exxx Mxxx (his brother)
Sent: September 7, 2015 at 1:40 AM
Subject: My family
I will trust you to pass this on to my family as you deem appropriate.
I really wish that I had it in me to tolerate life. I just can’t do it anymore.
While I do want my children to know some of the truth, I do not want them to ever really know what a heartless, selfish human being their Mother really is.
I have been out here, in our RV, for several hours while Alli couldn’t have given a shit less!
I have been struggling so significantly with depression and have tried to live with a wife who makes me feel like I’m a worthless piece of shit. I would never have imagined that my life and marriage would have ever gotten to this point. Despite all the emotional troubles I’ve dealt with, I have always done my very best to treat my wife and my family with the utmost love. It is beyond tolerable to know that it is not reciprocal.
You are more than I could have ever asked for as a brother. I have enjoyed all of our times together more than you could know.
Please let Mom and Dad know that I truly believe that they did the best with me and us that they could possibly have done.
I love all of you and hope to see you all on the other side.
Dear Faith. Scott and MJ,
I know that what has happened is going to be a very difficult thing for all of you to accept and I wish that I had the ability to tolerate life enough to have avoided this.
I am so proud of all of you for what you have become and I hope that you will dedicate your lives to helping others and yourselves from becoming victims of the kind of depression that has taken your father.
I hope that you will all find someone in your life who makes you happy enough to want to start a family with. When you do, please always do your best to love them with all you have and make them feel that they are the most important person in your life. It is more difficult than I could possibly explain to live without that kind of assurance. I tried and ultimately could not do it. While what I have done is ultimately due to many emotional factors outside anyone’s control, it could have been avoided if I knew that I was truly loved unconditionally by the one person I gave my heart, mind and spirit to. It just was not reciprocal and this is a mistake I hope that none of you will make.
I have always wanted, more than anything, to be the best Dad I could ever be. You were all everything that I lived for. I know that I have failed greatly in that area, but it is not because I didn’t love you all with everything I had.
I am a tremendous failure as a Dad. I am obviously also a tremendous failure as a husband. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved.
Faith, you have a great future ahead of you. Please, for me, move past this, and push forward with the bright career that is set before you. I will be looking over you and pushing for you all the time.
Scott, you have the biggest heart I have ever seen. Please continue forward with that same loving nature. You will accomplish great things in life. I know this without a doubt.
MJ, I would have loved to have seen you grow up. You are an amazing kid who will accomplish great things. Your Daddy will always be looking over you and loving you.
I love all three of you more than you can possibly imagine. It is impossible to fully explain why your Daddy is no longer here to pursue life with you, but I believe that I will see all of you sometime in eternity
I love you all. Please forgive me for what I have put you through.
Your Loving Daddy!!
Here’s where the coincidence comes in (or not coincidence?)
This email was sent at 1:40am (to just his brother and I), I checked my emails at 1:45! MJ is at a sleepover, Scott is gone for the weekend at a friends cabin and Faith was sleeping – but I was awake!!
My whole body went numb just like the first time – almost 5 years ago. I grabbed the keys to the RV and went to go check things out.
It reeked like alcohol so bad!!!! He was in the back bedroom, there was a utility knife on the side table and several marks on his left wrist that were bleeding. Not cut through and bloody, but cuts like some who “cuts” themselves.
I told him to get up and we were going to the hospital right now! He said, “Get the fxxx out of here you cxxt!”
He started to try and get out of bed and push me, but he was way to drunk!
At this point, I was hysterically angry! I picked the fan up and threw it at the side table and told him that I was going to go get Faith so he could tell her this himself!
As I walked back into the house, I decided that I was NOT going to have her get involved with this again! It crushed her the first time and I was going to spare her this heartbreak!
I went back out to the RV and told him that if he didn’t get in the car for me to take him to the hospital, I was going to call 9-1-1.
He took off out of the RV and started walking down the street. I went and grabbed the car keys and went after him. Couldn’t find him. Drove around for a while and still couldn’t find him. I’m panicking!!!!!!
I parked in the garage and saw him standing in the neighbor’s yard behind a treee. Relieved and still so angry! I went out to the driveway and said, “Either you come with me right now or I’m calling 9-1-1!”
I turned on all the lights around our yard – they are pretty much spotlights! And turned off all the lights in the house and fell to the floor and prayed!! And prayed!! Intercessory praying!!
I didn’t stop praying as I watched outside for any movement. After about 45 minutes I went outside to check a few places. I never heard the RV open, but thought I might check. Not there.
Started to go down the side of the house when suddenly I saw him walk across the back of the yards – he didn’t see me! He climbed aboard the boat – not too kosher on that!
But at this point in time, if he “REALLY” wanted to kill himself – he would have. But I’m still scared senseless!! So I watch him out on the lake. Wasn’t out very long, came back, and tried to put the boat back on the lift. Didn’t work – he jumped out of the boat – I’m worried!
Went around the lake again and came back to try and put the boat on the lift. I did hear a loud clunk – meaning he hit the prop on the lift. He finally got it on. And went back into the RV. I checked on him after some time. He was asleep in the back.
It’s now 4:30am – and I just checked on him 1/2 hour ago to make sure he didn’t follow through!
I’m literally sitting here speechless!!
I had many posts that were saved as “drafts” that I ended up publishing tonight. Right before all hell broke lose!
I am soooo not out of this crap!
I am thankful The Lord spared him! I don’t know what today will bring? I do know he has to go check himself in! Or I will again!! And I also have to send another email to his brother.
Until..tomorrow! PLEASE pray for me and my family!!