So……

You know when you’ve tried just about everything you know possible to help, researched every area of the World Wide Web, books, and individuals to find out WHAT in the world to do!?!?!?

Well……that’s where I’m at right now!  Just wait…..it’ll probably change tomorrow.  Heck, it’ll probably change in the next hour!

Isn’t that how we all feel?  Like every part of our lives typically change with the wind?

I’ve been involved in 2 Bible studies.  One for many months.  It began as an 11 week study, but it has transpired into a group of 4 women and has been so good!  We have come to realize we are just all hot messes doing life together!

The other study I’m leading and my daughter is also involved.  This also has been amazing!  So praise God!!

These women have encouraged me, lifted me up and been my support line.  Other than God!

I have been completely transparent about my life and the hot mess it is.  If you know the song “Even If” by Mercy Me……that’s me and my life!  I usually cry every time I hear it.

With all that being said, my life does change on a dime.  And navigating it lately has been so overwhelming!  So much so that I did end up going to the hospital.  Which if you knew me personally, you would know it was pretty serious for me to go in!  I DON’T LIKE HOSPITALS OR DOCTORS!  AND I don’t have the time to be the one ill and on my back in a hospital bed!  REALLY….everything will completely fall apart!

So what’s going on?  Remember how I just mentioned research and doing just about anything?

Well…..that’s what we did.  The just about anything!

Hoping to have results and move past the absolute destruction of addiction issues.  Past the addiction of prescription medications.  Move forward to……well SOMETHING different!

I’m losing my mind!  (Even with my Bible study gals!). I feel so trapped!  Trapped in a life that doesn’t seem to ever change, or even let up!  Trapped in a constant state of chaos!  Trapped with a feeling of no hope!

I truly thought that the most recent treatment was going to change our life!  My disappointment in the fact that it hasn’t is so devastating!

There ARE some positives to it!  TRULY….there are!  JD is not on any of the following and has no desire:

Suboxone

OxyContin

Kratom

Alcohol

But he still has extreme and debilitating depression.  Which he has been taking medication for this for the past 18 years.  And recently he started taking Vyvance (Adderall) again because he had no energy or desire to do ANYTHING!

However, he still has NO desire to do anything.  Or he is too depressed.  Or his body hurts too bad to do anything.

However, I do seem to be able to run our business, homeschool 2 of our children, involved in 2 Bible studies & try to maintain some order to the house…..all the while having numerous migraines and stress related anxiety!

This is why I’m losing it!  Because I just can’t maintain it!

I have such resentment and anger inside because of all this!  And he gets upset with me because he feels as if I don’t care about how he feels.  I truly do….but I am at capacity to even have time to care for myself.

I have prayed so much about what to do…..and I don’t have any direction or answers.

I really feel so alone!  I can’t share anything with my husband because he can’t “handle” any type of stress.  So I just hold it all in!

And then end up in the hospital!  That’s actually not funny….but true!  And all the while I was there (a whole 4 hours!!) I kept thinking about ALL the stuff I could be doing!!

I really can’t wait until the day in heaven to know why He hasn’t moved these mountains!  I know there is a reason!  I know He’s at work!  And I know he doesn’t waste a hurt!

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About wivesforchrist


One response to “So……

  • Lori

    I know how you feel Alli. Sometimes I feel as if maybe I’m not praying enough or hard enough. Questioning what I’m doing wrong .
    Thank you so so much for putting your life out there as an encouragement for those of us who relate. God Bless You!

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