Aftershocks Part 18

The neighbors leave………….

This is what I forwarded to Bxxxx, Lxxx and our neighbors:

There is no easy way to write this letter……as there is no other way than harshly.

I cannot even begin to express the pain you have caused to Faith and me, but to our family as well.  It’s extremely hard to watch my daughter cry as she sees the Sxxxxxxxx’s pack and leave – thanks!! There was an inkling of a door open to a softening of our hearts, until…….you can’t leave alone the continued pursuit to invite one of my best friends, whom I confided in, and who just happens to live right next door!!  You knew our feelings a year ago regarding this situation, and yet you still had the heartless ambition of this pursuit.  And why?  This I cannot for the life of me figure out?  You brought it to my home, an act that goes far beyond disrespect.

Quite frankly, we are very surprised that the Sxxxxxxxx’s think that going on a trip that we invited them on, that we still have ownership in, and is with relatives of JD in which they know every intimate detail of what has transpired over the last years is the right thing to do.  However, as Jxx has indicated: “It is a vacation of a lifetime, at an affordable price!”  Yikes – that one cuts to the bone!! Everyone has a price.  Well at least we now know where we stand!

We asked for quietness and peacefulness so we wouldn’t continually be faced with various situations in which have prompted unkind words and attacks of what you truly thought of JD, our business, etc.  I have reason to believe you both still have anger and unresolved feelings towards us.  And I continue to ask the question – what did I EVER do to have these kinds of actions towards me?  You wish to hurt JD, but he truly doesn’t care.  You have hurt mostly Faith and me.

My approach to the Sxxxxxxxxx was certainly not “allowing” them to go.  Let me clear this up, I went over to talk with Jxxxx after Jxx had approached me asking where we stood with Lake Powell because they had been contacted by you guys in the hopes of them going.  My conversation with Jxxxx was to let her know that I was in a different position now than a year ago and we would not be going, if ever again, and it was up to them for their decision.  Quite frankly, I resent even being in the position of having to make such a decision for another family.  But I continued the conversation with a few thoughts and she ended our conversation with, “I think they might be trying to use us to get to you guys?”  A response in which I agreed.

I have trusted 4 individuals in the past several years with very intimate situations, confided in these individuals, trusted very deeply and had a great amount of respect for.  Of these 4 individuals, 3 of them have betrayed me, hurt me, and continue to do so.  These 3 are Jxxxx, and you guys.  Tell me how I am supposed to feel about this?  Bitterness in my heart – yes – right now.  Sadness – yes as well.  And many other feelings.  All of which I will deal with because I know how unhealthy they can be.  And I don’t desire to be that person I was a LONG time ago due to similar feelings.

I have had much time to think about why this has affected me to this degree.  I considered you guys more like a brother and sister.  Losing my brother, I had no one in which I was able to become close to (other than my husband) – which I allowed with the both of you.  Many individuals in the past have let me down, abandoned or betrayed me.  Hence, I closed my heart to most people. But I allowed this to happen – so I am ultimately upset with myself.  And this I take responsibility for.

In numerous situations over the past years I have learned many things – like boundaries.  This helped with handling JD’s addictions.  I failed to use this in other areas.  I could understand his bizarre actions were the result of addiction.  However, I have no answers to some of your actions.

This has caused such a separation and disdain with the Sxxxxxxxxx and us, yes by our choice.  I have complete boundaries and a wall up.  I have lost trust and respect.  These are elements that are essential for a relationship/friendship.

In a recent text, Lxxx had stated she wished to choose “love not fear” and would hope I would choose this too.  Your recent actions and some others that have come to light are far from love.  I don’t fear, I simply don’t respect.  I am trying to maintain boundaries in which are healthy for myself and my family.  This is the primary prompting of asking for silence, and the reason there has been no response up until this correspondence.  I am worn out from having to deal with these situations.  However, it seems we have to continue to do so, because like I already mentioned, it has been brought to our home along with involving close acquaintances!

As this has become reality, I feel a response is appropriate.  One of the main reasons for this email (along with cc’ing the Sxxxxxxxx’s) is to eliminate any misunderstandings or conclusions formed (as there already have been) as to where we stand or how we feel.  I do not want anyone to draw their own conclusions as to the impact, reasons why, or anything relating to this situation and attach these conclusions to us.  This has no doubt damaged relationships, maybe even beyond repair, only time will tell.  At the very least, please give us silence like never before.  I think we are at least deserving of this!

Aftershocks Part 14

The reply from Bxxxx & Lxxx came a couple days later.

---

From: “Bxxxx & Lxxx Yxxxxxx”

To: “Alli”

Sent: Friday, July 13, 2012 9:47:23 PM

Subject: Re: Reply

Hi Alli,

I really appreciated your reply, thanks for taking the time and for being open and transparent.

When you talk about being still I can relate, I love Psalm 46:10, my mom had it in her kitchen on a little piece of paper with tape that had turned yellow.  The word that comes to my mind is “surrender” -together with stillness is peacefulness.

A friend of ours shared her pastors rules for emails and texts, he says they need to be limited to information only.  Whenever emotion is expressed it is best to talk.  A good rule for the future.  We’d rather talk, email communication has definitely contributed to our situation.

Since you’re not ready to talk, I respect that and will honor your stillness.

JD and I did discuss the business in March and we agreed together that it would be best for our ongoing relationship to separate business from family.  He said we had done well to make it as many years as we had.  Since then we actually have continued supporting the business; we continue receiving the monthly rent checks and Lxxx delivers them, we’ve helped the Wxxxxxx’s and Mxxxxx’s hold events, we’ve delivered credit card machines for Lxxxx and arranged for keys to the warehouse.

The Sxxxxxxxxx’s (our neighbors)  invitation to Lake Powell is my responsibility.  I called and talked to Jxx, the first thing we discussed was you guys and the first thing he did was talk to JD.  Upon JD saying that he was OK with the Sxxxxxxxx’s going, Jxx called back and the planning began.  My words to Jxx were, “I hope this leads to future trips with you and the Mxxx’s (that’s us) coming together” (you can verify with him).   There was not an intent to cause hurt in this.  I am so sorry for how it turned out and realize now it was a big mistake.

We really miss you guys, think the world of you and are praying for God’s continued healing.

Bxxxx

____________________________________

The next month’s remained pretty quiet with Bxxxx & Lxxx – finally!

Emails, correspondence’s, text messages and communication was minimal.  I sent an Anniversary gift.  The following is an email after they received it:

---

From: “Bxxxxx & Lxxx Yxxxxxx”

To: “Alli”

Sent: Saturday, October 27, 2012 11:17:17 AM

Subject: Thank You!

Thank you for remembering our 22nd anniversary, love, love, love the cross wall hanging! We will find a special place to hang it and remember your kindness and the gift of God’s peace and grace in our lives. We had a nice dinner together (grilled salmon and a Quinoi, arugula, spinach salad) at home. We are taking care of my mom this week while my dad is out of town in Sedona. Thanks again, we really appreciate your thoughts and the special gift.

Love, Lxxx and Bxxxx

_______________________________________

2 days later the following email came:

---

From: “Bxxxx Yxxxxxxx”

To: “JD”

Cc: Alli

Sent: Monday, October 29, 2012 12:41:49 PM S

ubject: FW: Garage with your items

From a happy customer in California!

—–Original Message—–

From: Vxxxx,Mxxx

Sent: Monday, October 29, 2012 9:17 AM

To: Yxxxxxx,Bxxxx

Subject: Garage

Bxxxx,

Finally took a few pictures of the garage showing the pictures.

Thanks,

Mxxx

Aftershocks Part 13

I didn’t want to see anyone, talk with anyone, or continue to have to deal with the rush of emotions that I experienced from what transpired the evening before.

However, I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

The next day, JS came over.  She said their family discussed the trip together and our friendship and relationship together was more important.  JS and her daughter said that Alli is one of the nicest individuals they know and they would not want to do anything to ever jeopardize our relationship together.  That we meant too much to them.

Time passed.  Our relationship with our neighbors remained strong.  My friendship with JS seemed to become even more genuine.  JS’s daughter and her friend worked at our company for the summer, as planned.

We had many conversations with our pastor from our church.  This was interesting because our pastor knows Bxxxx & Lxxx.  Many years before us attending the church, our pastor had stayed at Bxxxx & Lxxx’s house.  They are a host family for pastors attending seminars at their church.

It’s very interesting how we came to the church.  It wasn’t through Bxxxx & Lxxx, but through a long time friend of mine.  We use to attend the same church years before.  And after that connection, we all realized it was the same pastor who stayed with them years ago.

So we didn’t have in depth conversations with our pastor regarding this.  But one Sunday, after talking to our pastor, he made a very interesting observation and diagram.  It is as follows:

This is a healthier scenario:

So…..we remained silent and continued to keep our distance with Bxxxx & Lxxx.  It seemed as if every conversation or correspondence was disturbing.

We would be in contact only for necessary things.  But they didn’t stop their pursuit with us.  They continued to contact individuals we both know and text messages to them to “Pray for JD.”

We were pleasant, and responded to emails with “Thank You’s”.

I then received a phone call from Lxxx.  I let it go to voicemail.  Her message was, “Alli, I hope that when you receive this message you will hear my voice and know that you can come to me for a ‘safe place’ to talk to someone.  I want to say I am sorry for my harsh words about JD and I know you were just defending him.  I hope you will return this call so we can start to restore our relationship.  You know you can come to me with anything and it’s a ‘safe place’.  I love you and miss you Alli.”

My response was via email.  I still was not confident in any phone conversations.  I did not want to be taken to that place again by them.  No……I had not trusted them and I did not feel “Safe” in opening up to them, trusting them, or regaining any kind of close relationship again.  At least not right now.  I do however have a saying I continue to use: Never say never, because you just never know what God has planned.

---

From: “Alli”

To: Bxxxx & Lxxx

Sent: Tuesday, July 10, 2012 10:16:45 AM

Subject: Reply

Lxxx and Bxxxx,

I have been evaluating calling for some time now.   Each time I come to a conclusion of: what would/could I say?  I have concluded that writing would be best right now.  It has been on my heart, for some time, to respond/reply.   I chose to wait until after your Lake Powell trip as I didn’t want it to possibly affect your vacation.  However, I also do not want to ignore your message.

You did summarize it when you said “safe place”.  I don’t trust that right now.  I keep asking myself, “What did I ever do to deserve this hurt?”  I do have a couple of theories, but even with this I’m still left with the same question.

I have reviewed correspondence over the past months, prompting many discussions with JD.  Both of us are left with the same question: What would any conversation, correspondence, or rekindled dialogue do to change your minds and hearts regarding your true feelings of JD?  What’s in one’s heart, comes out of the mouth.

Your feelings, opinions and desire to distance yourself from JD and the business have been vividly conveyed numerous times over the past 6+ months.  Only recently have you communicated your desire to have anything to do with JD/us.  You, for the most part, have painted him to be some kind of monster that your children are afraid of.  Forgiveness for your harsh words towards JD is there!  However, how you truly feel about him doesn’t just change; it’s what’s in your heart.  It was mentioned in the voicemail that I was just defending him.  Defending him was only a small part.

I know JD has caused hurt, and has asked for forgiveness.  This leaves me with this question: “What’s different in being able to let God work forgiveness in each of these situations?”  And my answer is: In any of the hurt JD caused, he never had attacked anyone’s character, personality or spirituality.

It was extremely hard to try and explain to our kids that we were not welcomed on the houseboat, but our neighbors were invited.   Can you even imagine the questions and hurt that came from my children?  Try answering Scott’s question of: “Why do they want our neighbor’s to go and not us?”  And watching Faith’s tears as she witnessed the very real emotions I had when I was told JS and her family were asked to join you, followed by JS standing face-to-face with me about 10 to 20 minutes after I found out.  I had not even enough time to process what I just heard, let alone all the feelings.  These were true feelings of rejection, betrayal and a hurt I don’t care to experience again – and this was on top of all the other things that had happened within the past months.  I can’t even begin to express how wrong that was on so many levels; mostly because of attacking our character, betraying trust, hurting my family and invading my relationship with my best friend/neighbor.

It’s interesting to me that the one person you really wanted to hurt the most was the least affected by this – JD.  He wasn’t really surprised.

I haven’t had the capacity to handle this in the past 6 months with all that has transpired with our business and other individuals, and I’m not sure I do now?  I have been through a grave amount of stress these past 6 to 12 months and I never thought I would have to be faced with this situation.  Within the past year I have witnessed so much ugliness from so many people on a personal and business level, I’m left in awe.  The only way to survive was to give it all to God.  I know without a shadow of a doubt, that God’s hand/plan were/are being orchestrated.  And I know that he has a plan for everything that has happened.  Through this all, I am being instructed to “Be still and know that I am God!”  Answers have come mostly when I am silent.

I do forgive you and I thank you for your messages.  And, as I have also mentioned many times before, how much you have done for us, and how much we have cared for you – I’m forever grateful.  But there truly is so much more to this than just harsh words.  It’s more about knowing your true feelings.

I don’t know what the future holds.  I believe time will only tell.  And I still feel that time and being still is what I’m being called to do.

Aftershocks Part 12

The process had started for moving the corporate office/warehouse – yeah!

Simplifying is our theme right now.  At one point in the business, we had 35 sales reps nationwide and employed 18 individuals at the corporate office.  Our company grew very quickly and it became difficult to manage how fast we grew.  Scaling back was refreshing.  Decreasing inventory and focusing on what was our bread and butter for the company was taking shape.  We had agreed to hire JS’s daughter and her daughter’s friend, both returning from college for the summer.

The next chain of events will make your head spin.  At least it did mine!  I remember this day as if it happened yesterday.

April 11th, 2012 I came home from work.  JD was in the kitchen and informed me that JS and her husband had been over to let us know that Bxxxx & Lxxx contacted them to see if they wanted to go on the houseboat trip with them?  I was numb!  “Are you kidding me?” was my response.

JD, “No!  But they haven’t given Bxxxx & Lxxx their decision, they wanted to talk to us first.”  JD didn’t really care, he had pretty much had it with Bxxxx & Lxxx.

I went downstairs where Faith (our daughter) was laying in our bed watching a movie.  She was in tears.  She asked me, “Did Dad tell you?”

“Yes, he told me right before I came downstairs.  How are you doing?”  I asked.

“It hurts!” She responded.

This had always been Faith’s favorite vacation and truly looked forward each summer to this time.  The past trip was especially meaningful because our neighbors went with us.  She had a friendship with their kids that was pretty close too.  She was devastated by the fact that Bxxxx & Lxxx had told us they didn’t want our family to go, and “yes” that meant children were involved in the shun.  However, they have asked our best friends to go again, who live right next door.

And not but 10 minutes after I found out, JS was standing right in front of me.  I literally was shaking because I was so furious with Bxxxx & Lxxx.  JS’s response was, “We haven’t given them an answer, if this is something that you don’t want us to do, I certainly don’t want to be another person in a long list of people to betray you and lose your trust or jeopardize our friendship, which means too much to me.”  And she started to approach me to give me a hug.

I backed away.  I thought to myself, “They had not said, ‘No!'”

I literally couldn’t talk.  I wanted NO ONE to touch me, let alone hug me.  I responded with, “I just found this out not but 10 minutes ago, you are standing right in front of me and have seen my emotions in the “raw”!  I need to process this.  I need to be alone right now.  She still wanted to talk.  I had to leave.  So I went on a LONG walk.  Came home, JS had already gone home, and I went down to talk with my husband and daughter.

While I was rocking our 2 year old, I emailed Bxxxx & Lxxx the following:

On Apr 11, 2012, at 8:10 PM, Alli wrote to Bxxxx & Lxxx:

> God never wastes a hurt! >

> Sent from my iPad

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Whenever I had talked with Bxxxx & Lxxx before regarding difficult situations, this is what they would always reassure me of: “God never wastes a hurt!”  It had always been very helpful.  I just never imagined they would be the one’s who have hurt me so profoundly.

The following is the string of emails that followed the email listed above:

---

From: “Bxxxx”

To: “Alli”

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 10:12:16 PM

Subject: Re: Never wastes

Amen!

________________________________________________________

From: “Bxxxx & Lxxx Yxxxxxx”

To: “Alli”

Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 11:25:12 PM

Subject: Re: Never wastes

You are right, I do believe God does not waste a hurt. I really want to talk to you Alli, you have been on my heart. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. I want to restore dialog and our relationship. I love you. I know you are very busy with work/family, etc. is there a good time for me to call you when you are not being pulled in every direction?

Lxxx

________________________________________________________

On Apr 11, 2012, at 12:10 AM, Alli wrote:

No.

It takes a lot for me to trust people.  My life has been filled with individuals who have hurt me deeply.  I trusted you and Bxxxx, more than I have of anyone.  I let you guys into areas of my life that were very delicate and personal.  And I blame myself for that.  I have the same regrets as God references in Samuel.  It’s a sorrow.

You crossed many lines in the past weeks/months.  But asking one of my best friends, my neighbor and someone whom I confide in to go to Lake Powell is wrong on so many levels!  You never even stopped to think about how this places them in such a predicament.  OR how it has deeply hurt my children!

You took the knife that was placed in my heart and twisted it.  And I for the life of me can’t even begin to find an explanation as to what I have done to deserve this treatment?

The last two conversations were so disturbing that I have not returned any of the calls.  And can’t bring myself to believe that any additional conversations would be any different.

There comes a time when it makes more sense for silence.  Unfortunately things like involving our neighbor’s brings a silence to a halt, and a reborn restlessness.

I have done an extensive amount of praying, thinking and evaluating.  And one thing I can say is I would rather live with an individual who has addictions, dealt with them and is as humble as humble pie.  Then to be in a relationship/friendship with someone who doesn’t think anything has been done wrong by them, who judges other individuals and has the same actions as someone with an addiction – yet has no excuse for their actions.  AND no apologies.

With JD and his addictions – at least there is a caring, humble, non-prideful and generous man.  I never doubted his character.  I always doubted his addictions and the control it had over the man I love.  Remove the beast – which has been successful – and you are left with a genuinely caring, God-filled man.  It’s just too bad you are so blinded, bitter and hateful towards him that you have missed the blessings of answered prayers.

What’s in the heart a man, he will speak with his mouth.  (i.e. Lxxxx Cxxx)  He got an earful of your heart.

You have stated you care and love me.  Sorry – I don’t feel your recent actions and words to me have expressed this.

---

From: “Bxxxx & Lxxx Yxxxxxx”

To: Alli

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2012 9:51:13 AM S

ubject: Re: Never wastes

That’s why I want to talk to you Alli, I am sorry. Let me know when you want to allow God to restore our relationship, I’ll be waiting. May God bless you abundantly.

Love,

Lxxx

Colossians 3:13

Sent from my iPad

Aftershocks Part 11

Out of the blue, Lxxx Y. called my cell phone and when I answered she immediately hung up.  I was standing beside my daughter and we both looked at each other with very puzzled looks on our face.

I called Lxxx right back and the moment the phone was answered she frantically said, “I have no idea why you are married to that asshole!  If I never speak to him again, that would be best!” And then hung up.

Again, my daughter and I were VERY puzzled and concerned.  I know the past many months felt as if we were in the twilight zone, but this……I MUST be in the twilight zone!

Moments later, she called back and in a shaky voice stated, “I’m sorry for calling, I shouldn’t have!”

I asked, “Then why did you?”

Her response, “I don’t know.  I just don’t know why you are still with him?”

My response, “What is this all about?  Why have you called?”

She then hung up again.

Uh, what just happened?

I called JD, because not only needing to find out what this was all about, I am seriously concerned about Lxxx Y. right now!  She was so frantic and actually shaking and I think something might be VERY wrong.

JD answered his phone very calmly, as if I were calling like any other time.  I asked him, “Did you just have a conversation with Lxxx?”

“Yeah.” He replied.

“And what was said?” I asked.

“Not much, why?  How did you know she called?”

“Because I just received a very disturbing phone call from her!”  And I went on to tell him the details.

He was as stunned as I was in getting the call.  He stated that she called to ask about something business related, he was very polite, calm and didn’t think he said anything out of line.

I could tell this because he was very calm and matter of fact to me.  He said she had a couple of questions, they were answered and the conversation actually began with the niceties of how usual conversations begin with; kids, events, etc.  The questions were answered and the call ended.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

JS (neighbor) has a radar when something is going on with me.  She has an uncanny knack to come see me when I’ve been crying, a big event has transpired, or just something serious.  It’s kind of weird, but we have a strong relationship together.  One that seldom comes along, especially as neighbors.

She came over that afternoon to hang in the kitchen (as we usually did) and I told her about the phone situation with Lxxx.  Her response was, “I think something is really wrong with Lxxx, maybe you should call Bxxxx and check on her.”  She further went on to say, “It seems as if they need to keep a tie with you guys, we had received some text messages too.  And they just can’t seem to let you out of their control.”

Bxxxx is the controlling kind.  He has to be in control of situations.  Stays level headed, but needs to be at the helm.  This is advantageous to some regards, but can also be a negative trait.

JD and I were also moving forward with some major changes within our business.  We wanted to leave the negative (icky) stuff behind us and move forward with a fresh start.  Our lease was coming due on the current office/warehouse location, so a new location was a fantastic opportunity to make some changes.

I had still been putting in very long days.  Uncovering many issues from when Marie was with our company.  Some of these issues included:

• Not paying sales tax to the state for a little over 3 months.  Creating a not so good situation with the state, plus penalties.
• Not paying for supplies and vendors.  Causing more penalties and fees.
• Uncovering an enormous phone system that was installed, without JD knowing the full details of the contract.  Marie signed only her name to it.  This consisted of 18 phone lines (only 6 were being used) and a contract for 6 years at $700/mo.  First of all, we would have NEVER signed such a long contract and we don’t need that many lines.
• She had pre-paid herself for vacation pay via payroll.  (She was in charge of payroll.)

These are just a few.  But it was also nearing the time to let her husband go.  It was getting even more tense due to all the findings.  He ended up putting in his two week notice, but not completing the final 2 weeks.  The last full day he worked, in comes Marie, followed by the police.

They had a company car, which they stated we “gave” to them as a wedding present.  Not sure how this could have been misinterpreted?  We wouldn’t even “give” a new care to our own daughter!  The car was registered to the company, the insurance, payments, and repairs were paid by the company – for their use.  As they were leaving, they threw the keys at me and said, “Here is our wedding present!”  In addition, they taped their wedding picture to the dashboard of the vehicle.

Because they had been with our company for so long, they had developed close friendships with some of the current employees.  These individuals were present at this time and “good-byes” were taking place at the front door.  I maintained my composure at the front door and stayed quiet.

Even through all of this, my heart bleed!  At one point, they were like family.  And I still cannot understand how something like this could have transpired?  I worried about them and being able to make ends meet.  But we couldn’t allow ourselves to go there and look past the events that had transpired.  Trust is gone!  Betrayal has happened.  I have come to the conclusion that EVERYONE has a price that they will sell someone out for.

Aftershocks Part 9

During this time, I was confiding in my neighbor for advice.  She was as stunned as I was.  She opened up to me stating she never really quite liked Bxxxx before the December when he came to help us out with JD going into treatment.  She said she saw a different side of Bxxxx then and began to warm up to him.  But she was also VERY surprised as to Bxxxx & Lxxx and what was transpiring.

However, she did give some feedback as to some possible explanations:

1.  Because of Lxxx’s erratic behavior, her children leaving the home for college and all, maybe she was experiencing extreme hormone fluctuations?  Menopause?  Lxxx had been doing some hormone treatments due to weight loss and other health issues.  JS is very analytical in this way, and many times does make sense.  I know how some of us (females:) can get when hormones are involved.  I’m speaking from experience!!  So….this did have some merit.  But what about Bxxxx?  He was along for all of this – there were two carrying the torch – or machete.

2.  Bxxxx & Lxxx had been kind of like a savior with some of our very tough issues in years past – helping immensely (as I have talked about before).  This is the first time, in I don’t know how long, that JD and I were actually in a healthy season with our family, marriage, and life and didn’t need Bxxxx & Lxxx in the same ways as before.  Actually our relationship was not focused on JD and his drinking or issues anymore.

Bxxxx comes from an extreme alcoholic upbringing – his mother and father were alcoholics – his mother actually died from alcohol.  Maybe subconsciously Bxxxx does not know how to react to a situation in which he was needed for so long, and now the dynamics have changed.  So he actually will do some odd things to (subconsciously) keep JD in an unhealthy state.  I know this seems odd, but how many married couples end up getting a divorce after a spouse has stopped drinking (which is what the ultimate goal was) only to find themselves in a particular situation: Don’t know how to live any differently than the way they did before.  New ways of life need to be learned and adopted.  Many individuals are so use to the way things were, they don’t know where to begin with what the new looks like.

Actually, it took some time for JD and I to adapt to a new life!  Dates were somewhat difficult.  Where do you go?  When we would go out to eat – we always had drinks.  Who do we go out with?  Most people drink.  You can only see so many movies.  When we would go out on a business meeting or event – alcohol is usually one of the centers.  It was very painful to come to know how society centered around drinking.

Our fights were different.  We were both use to being on such a defensive even before the fight started.  Communication was more proactive than reactive.

There was more evening time.  All very good!  But all needing to be adjusted to.  Change – it’s always hard – but good!

As time went by…..Bxxxx & Lxxx were continuing to do more strange things.

Bxxxx was texting JD’s Mom (Bxxxx’s sister), our neighbor (JS), other sales reps – from different areas of the country and continuing to ask them for prayers.  He would ask additional questions to JD’s Mom regarding JD.  We would also receive text messages and emails with Bible verses or devotions to which they wanted us to read.

Again….I live by knowing that God is the answer.  Prayer is powerful!  I would be nowhere without any of it!  But there are times I believe God speaks to us when we are silent and can hear Him.

We continued to not respond and keep quiet and still.  A trait for me that has to be exercised – it doesn’t come natural for me!

Some time later we received this email:

---

From: “Bxxxx & Lxxx Yxxxxxx”

To: “JD”

Cc: “Alli”

Sent: Friday, March 9, 2012 10:04:13 AM

Subject: Fw: Simply – Thank You!

Good morning,

Below is an email I sent you on Friday March 21, 2008 – this reminds me why we got involved with the business, we saw the vision of how it was helping others and the opportunity to be close to you.  It wasn’t about over-ride commissions.  A perspective from the heart.

Have a great day,

Bxxxx

______________________________________________

From:   Yxxxxxx,Bxxxxx  
Sent:   Friday, March 21, 2008 9:52 AM
To:     JD 
Subject:        Simply – Thank You!

JD,

Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your business!
Thank you for providing table cloths and easels at no cost!
Thank you for making and sending really cool business cards at no cost!
Thank you for providing sales brochures at no cost!
Thank you for sending truck loads of awesome products at no cost!
Thank you for providing a business opportunity with no requirement of capital investment!
Thank you for coaching and helping us to start the business!
Thank you for your time and expense to travel to California to help us!
Thank you for taking time to conference call with customers to help us get business!
Thank you for taking our calls when you’re so busy you have to work evenings and weekends to keep up!
Thank you for sacrificing time with your family to support this us!
Thank you for providing generous commissions for doing this business!
Thank you for continually providing exciting new products for the business!
Thank you for negotiating great deals with suppliers!
Thank you for investing in the business to help it grow!
Thank you for providing credit card machines at no cost!
Thank you for hiring staff that provides great support for us!
Thank you for trusting us even though you’ve been taken advantage of!

Thank you for helping people like Cxxxxxx a previously desperate single mom with 3 kids living in poverty and ready to commit suicide.  Today because of help from UW, Cxxxxxx is employed with health benefits for her kids.  She has hope now because UW provided training so she could get a good job.  Your company has helped UW of OC.

Thank you for helping Marie.  Because of her job at your company, she was able to buy a new home where her kids now have their own rooms instead of sharing the living room with dividers.

Thank you for helping the Bxxxxx family who lost their 14 year old son Cxxxxxxxx last December after a 2 year battle with cancer.  Your company is helping to pay some of the $1M in expense that insurance didn’t cover.

Thank you for helping Gxxxx Zxxxxxxxx – a Christian man who puts his heart into teaching baseball and struggles financially to do it.  Your company is helping him to supplement his income so he can continue a career that he loves.

Matthew 25:40 “The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’

I am so proud of you JD.  God is using you and passing blessings on to others beyond your imagination, multiply what you do see by at least a factor of 100X.  Well done!

It is a privilege to be a part of this, that you pay me is gift, I would do it for free. I love you man!

Aftershocks Part 8

Recap of betrayals thus far:

1. Marie
2. Sales Rep/Friend stealing from company
3. Bxxxx & Lxxx

In addition, we also uncovered a business partner who was dishonest with a huge factor of his business from years past – causing the FBI to come into our current business, raid it, interrogate our employees and us.  Coming to the conclusion that we were NOT part of his dishonest transactions.  However, this is quite stressful when it involves you and your business at any given time!!

This business partner proceeds to pull out – Thank God!  But not before stealing $10,000+ worth of product from our company.  Charges will need to be brought against him and legal actions taken.  Icky stuff!!

I had received a phone message from Bxxxx & Lxxx to please give them a call.  I really didn’t want to deal with anything more, so I waited a few days to respond.

A few days passed.  I was on my way back from dropping my daughter off from a volleyball camp when I decided to return the call.  I had about 30 minutes of drive time.  I was alone in the car – so I called.  They were together in their car and I was on the speaker phone.

The conversation began as most did – with the niceties and catching up on family, events, etc.

Then Lxxx started!  She started railing me about JD and all of wrong-doings over the past years.  The hurt he has caused, the events she remembered, all the crap that an individual needed to unload – I got it full speed!  I started crying – which she couldn’t even know because she didn’t even take a breath to hear anything other than her words.  Remember: Bxxxx is also present and says “nothing!”

I had to pull over because I was shaking from crying and she was so constant.  I finally did get a chance say, “I understand all the hurt he has done and how he has made you feel.  But I’m asking what it is that you WANT from him?  What do you EXPECT from him?  He has apologized over and over again and I don’t know what more he could do?”

She went on to say, “We want to be completely removed from the company, don’t want anything to do with it, we don’t feel he is the Christian he claims to be or runs his company in the Christ-like manner we originally thought we were getting involved in……..”  And then she started on the nailing to the cross course again.  All the while not addressing the question of, “What do you want from him?”  I hear all that you wish to do and your plans, and that can be accomplished.  But you have already stated your plans before, I know this.  What do you WANT from him?  No words from Bxxxx.

After I had pulled off to park and I was in tears, I asked 3 times for her to stop.  She couldn’t hear me because she didn’t even take a breath.  Actually as time went on, she gained momentum.  I finally had to hang up.  I wasn’t about to sit there and hear anymore.  What was the point?

I drove home and as soon as I walked in the door – JD asked what in the world was the matter?  I told him about the conversation.  We decided at this point it was time to distance ourselves from Bxxxx & Lxxx.  It wasn’t healthy what was transpiring and for the sake of our family and continued health in recovery…..we had to ask for silence.  And that’s what we did.

A few weeks passed and I received the following email from Bxxxx:

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From: “Bxxxx Yxxxxxx”

To: “Alli”

Sent: Tuesday, February 7, 2012 2:44:40 AM

Subject: Check out this YouVersion Reading Plan

Hi Alli,

This devotional describes exactly what we need and want that will restore trust!

(I copied and pasted it:  James 5:16  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.)

Bxxxx

I just finished day 133 of the Rick Warren’s Daily Devotional Bible reading plan at YouVersion.com, and I thought you might like it too. Check it out.

______________________________________________________________

JD and I continued to be still and not respond.  I really didn’t know what to say at this point?

Two days later we received the following email:

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From: “Bxxxx & Lxxx Yxxxxxx”

To: “Alli”

Sent: Thursday, February 9, 2012 1:11:20 PM

Subject: bike for MJ

Hi Alli,

I just got an email from the bike company and they said they sent MJ’s bike to your home address. She mentioned something about shipping, I’m not sure if they are charging for the shipping or not it was unclear to me, hopefully they are covering it. I hope MJ loves his new bike!! Aunt Lxxx

___________________________________________________________________________________________

They had won a bike at an auction for a little boy.  So they had it shipped to us for our youngest son.  After we received the bike, we responded with a “Thank You!” and forwarded a picture of MJ on it.  But maintaining a silence still between all of us.

This silence (Stillness/Rest) was needed to be able to cope with all of the other aspects of life and our business.  I continued to put in 12+ hours a day, cleaned house of employees who were not to be trusted, simplified things in the business, downsized so we could continue to have a good handle on all aspects.  We moved our business location to help with simplifying.  I needed to focus on hearing God, my family and business – and nothing else.

So…..we continued to: “Be still and know that He is God!”  And waited patiently for his answers.

Aftershocks Part 7

It had come to my attention that Bxxxx had been texting Marie (from our office) asking her if JD had been drinking, how he handled financial transactions, what his emotional state was, etc.

In addition to this, Bxxxx had also been texting sales reps from our company, individuals we mutually knew, saying PFJ (Pray For JD).  Now, I am 100% for prayer!  I believe in prayer and the power of prayer!!  But I also believe you need to make sure you don’t submit prayer for the purpose of spreading rumors, judgment, gossip, etc.  Furthermore, I also do not think it is appropriate to contact business acquaintances and ask personal questions or search for information in this manner.  If he wanted to know something……ask ME!  I have always been forthcoming.  I have never lied to or sugar coated anything to Bxxxx!

Bxxxx also texted Marie stating his plans for exit and demise with our company.  Not okay!  Marie has no ownership or financial ties (other than her salary) within our company.  My guess is this was based on Marie intentions………

Remember when I said things were not adding up with Marie?

Since JD was not doing well emotionally, I had to step into the business.  I had been distant from the operations for many years due to raising and homeschooling our children.  But I felt I had to do something – I was afraid of what was transpiring.  So…..I became very involved in every aspect of the business.  This was not well received by Marie.  Actually, at one point in time when I was making some suggestions to improve production, she made the comment, “Well it’s your company, you run it how you wish!”  (Uh yeah….I will!)

She had been calling in sick MANY times, more than what her vacation/illness allotment seemed to be.  One day, when she was absent, I did some records research.  Since she was the one who tracked this, I looked on her laptop computer – one in which is owned by our company.

What I uncovered was mind-blowing!

A full blown business plan to take our business!  Right on her (our) computer.  To boot, she had been using company time to work on this!!  This business plan detailed ALL of our accounts, sales reps, business details, etc.  All laid out very nicely (in hopes) for her to acquire our company.

I uncovered emails, to which she was securing a leased warehouse location.  AND all of this was being funded by our largest supplier.

As things started to unravel…….. people, employees, and sales reps started to open up and share what had been going on.  Conversations she had and many aspects that individuals were afraid of sharing before.  I mean, she had authority to have individuals potentially fired and people were a bit scared to come clean.  Until I arrived!

I was told that employees always wondered why she was not in the office as much as she should be, and questioned why she worked from home much of the time.  Communication via email, cell phone, computer is not uncommon for our business.  JD travels a lot, so he trusted her quite a bit – with a lot!

In addition, as I connected with reps, suppliers, and customers, they informed me she would tell them our business was going bankrupt and she was taking it over to save it.  Hugh?  Furthest from the truth!

She had also tapped phone conversations with JD, spliced many of them so they were just how she wanted them to be, and forwarded these conversations to specific individuals to sabotage relationships.  These were saved on her computer.  Not too smart!

We kept her employed for about a week after uncovering all of this.  I still needed to gather all the information from emails, correspondence, etc. before the email accounts became unrecoverable due to password changes.   JD then confronted her, tapped the conversation and released her.  It was at this time we sought legal representation because we knew this was going to get ugly.

A letter was drafted and forwarded to anyone who was involved, or listed in the business plan.  We assured all of our clients, contacts, suppliers, reps, etc. and forwarded anything legal that was needed to stop this from going any further.  Yes, we also had a no compete contract.

However……her husband and brother-in-law also worked for our company in production.  Our lawyers informed us that it was smart to not let any others go.  We could have been sued for marital discrimination.  Who would have known?

I became even more involved in our business at this point.  Putting in 12+ hours a day.  I needed to know EVERY aspect of the business: from production, to reps, to accounting, to…..EVERYTHING!

All of this, and Bxxxx was in communication with Marie.  I’m pretty sure he knew all of this too!  Some emails were also uncovered between Marie and Bxxxx.  And to this day, I know Bxxxx and Marie are in contact with one another.  Trust? Nope!  Betrayal? Yep!

All of this was too much!  JD was feeling even more depressed.  Still not turning to alcohol!  Actually turning to the Bible daily, he knew this was the only way he would be able to function for his family.  He finished the 1 Year Bible in about 5 months!

Aftershocks Part 6

After the string of emails – I finally received a return phone call from Bxxxx & Lxxx in response.

There were other phone calls in which Bxxxx indicated they thought we did not wish to go this year based on the every other year comment.  At that time I did assure Bxxxx we were indeed interested in coming with our neighbor’s again.

However, during THIS conversation Bxxxx continued to explain to me that he and his family had discussed the trip, and based on the blow-up during the past trip – his children were afraid of JD.  That his family wanted him to protect them, they didn’t want us to go so they were proceeding with plans for just that.  WOW!!

So basically you lied to me during all the other conversations!  You skirted around the issue!  From my understanding upon departing the houseboat trip – forgiveness was extended from all parties.  I guess I was wrong.  And I guess all of my husband’s and my correspondences were right on.

Remember my good friend – my neighbor?  This post explaining our relationship.

I confided in her regarding this situation.  Actually, their families response was: confused!  They mentioned the fact that JD had asked for forgiveness in apologizing for his actions.  Our neighbor’s kids stated they didn’t think anything of how JD had reacted – they didn’t think it was that bad!  Their dad has actually had blow-ups quite similar – so it was no big deal.  That being said – this has created a wedge.  A seed that will begin to grow.  More about this in the next posts.

But also at this time, our business was going through some extreme pains.  Compounding all issues at the same time.

Recently we found out that a long time sales rep, who had become a good friend as well, had been stealing from our company for years.  In the tune of over $70,000.  Quite a blow!

On top of all this…….I have mentioned Marie on occasion.  She has been with our company since almost the start – 10 years ago.  She started at entry level and worked her way up to become JD’s right hand person.  She had been granted the position of many high-level responsibilities.  An individual whom we trusted immensely!!

When she started, she made her earnings based on her production.  Now she was making close to a 6 figure income.  No college education.  When we first met her, she was a single parent living in a 1 bedroom apartment with 3 children.  The apartment was infested with rats and they were barely making ends meet.

I’m saying this because it indicates just how caring JD is.  How his heart is SO huge, he is SO trusting, and gives SO much to many individuals – without even giving a second thought!  But because of his trusting nature – he has gotten burned MANY times.

Some things had been coming to our attention at the office that were not adding up in regards to Marie.

JD was getting beaten down on so many levels that he really didn’t have much left to offer of himself.  His depression was escalating and he could hardly function on a daily basis.

I mean really, let’s face it…….being hit hard by his uncle, who we trusted with the breath of our lives and was like a mentor.  Finding out one of his long term reps has been stealing from him.  One more thing……this situation with Marie sent him over the top.  I will explain further in the next posts.  But I am so thankful that through this all – he NEVER turned to alcohol for an answer!!

Until next time……..Blessings!

Aftershocks Part 5

My first email in response to the previous emails (listed in posting Aftershocks Part 4)

---

 

From: Alli

To: “Bxxxx & Lxxx Yxxxxxx”

Sent: Monday, January 23, 2012 6:25:16 PM

Subject: Thoughts

Twelve days ago JD and I received an email from you that indicated you and Lxxx were going ahead with plans for the 2012 houseboat trip.  I know it was mentioned (during the last trip) the possibility of doing an every other year trip, but nothing was concluded. 

I called and spoke to you about this and said we would be getting back to you.  After that conversation, I conveyed to JD some things I felt about you and Lxxx.  I told him the two of you are the closest thing I have to what I call family.  I lost my brother 12 years ago and have no one close in my family.  I felt you two cared deeply about us, have put forth effort and have helped us through some major milestones in our lives.  And you mean a lot to me.  The Powell trip was a nice time to spend together.

I called and left a message on Sunday 1/15 to which we never heard back.

Upon receiving the Lake Powell email, JD shared his thoughts with me.  He said you guys had already made up your minds to how Lake Powell should go and this was your way of dealing with it.  I defended you and the email.  I think JD might have been right.

Further time passed and you wouldn’t return or take any of JD’s calls.

Then came all the emails that have prompted me to respond.

You and I both know JD has made some choices that have not been the best.  But there is one thing I will say…….I don’t know of anyone who has the humility he has.  I know firsthand that he has made humble apologies for numerous things.  Things such as what transpired last Lake Powell trip, the situation a year ago, for hurt he has caused you, and the most recent…an email sent minutes before one of your emails.  These are just the more recent ones.

I have read and discussed this with JD and I can’t help but to see some things.  Within these emails, there is unforgiveness.  And there is much judgment.

Do you have a right to ask such questions as you have presented in these emails?  ABSOLUTELY!

As a friend, Uncle, and investor – you have EVERY right to present these concerns.  But these concerns should be presented to JD and not asked through Marie.  These concerns are based on a conversation which took place a year ago with Marie.  Have you addressed these with JD recently?  I would have reason to believe you haven’t, and because I have had many conversations and dealings with JD in regards to business, I know how each of the mentioned issues have been dealt with.

I can tell you firsthand that the cash IS being deposited.  I know the situation with JD’s brother and this is parallel to you putting cash into the business – just done a little different.

One year ago, JD was advised to not micro manage his employees as much as he did.  He needed to give others responsibilities and have faith and trust that they could manage things.  In doing so, he unfortunately can’t immediately answer some questions presented to him because others handle some of these things.  And the end result is him honestly not knowing some things because someone else has had that responsibility.  Thus, he needs to look into some areas.

I’m not going to address specifics any further.  But what I do want to conclude regarding the emails and situation that has transpired is we feel betrayed.  We feel as though we have gone to you for help and opened up in some very delicate ways and have not been respected.  These things should have been brought forth to us personally.  If you didn’t feel comfortable coming to JD for whatever reason, then at least ask me.  This should not have included Marie.  She is an employee and works for JD.  It is not appropriate to ask her if JD has been drinking and other business and personal issues.  This also creates an uneasy feeling with the employees to have these questions be presented this way. 

And a text message stating your demise of your investment doesn’t need to be presented to Marie.  She is an employee of JD’s.  That would be like your boss texting or having conversations with your staff regarding a delicate situation with you.  Before, or without, coming to you first.

Bxxxx..you and I just had a conversation this past December about how JD’s spending has been significantly under control, all bills are caught up, lines of credit through the bank have been taken care of, and we are starting the new year strong – that this December is a complete contrast to a year ago.

 Yes….we had some hiccups.  But as I also stated, I would be a fool to think there wouldn’t be.  But with the hiccups we have had, as I mentioned in one of our conversations, JD is approachable and empathetic along with sympathetic towards each one.  Just as he was quick to respond with an “I’m sorry” in an email to you.  This is a big difference in JD.

I really do need to defend him here!  You know firsthand, if I feel JD is wrong or I shouldn’t defend him – I don’t.  Even if he is my husband, if he is wrong, I call him on it. 

He has been in the Word every day.  He even came back from an early business meeting one day to complete his Bible reading because he didn’t have time to do it before he went.  He has been evaluating EVERY aspect of his business to make sure he is doing things ethical.  Hence the email that went out stating we are not doing preprints anymore.  As this is not illegal, it does create some confusion sometimes and he wants to avoid this.  This is just one example, and we have BOTH (together and individually) been praying over this business to have the Lord’s direction.  Actullay, we have been in deep prayer personally, financially, family and business wise.  So you can imagine just how much of a surprise this situation has been to us! 

Truly, I feel for him!  Lately, each time he feels as though he’s taking 2 steps forward, he gets knocked back 3 steps.  There have been soooo many times lately that individuals have taken advantage of him, stolen from him, cheated him, and have been outright dishonest.  But through this all, he has not picked up a drink, although he has wanted to very badly – he hasn’t.  He continues to turn to the Lord.

He has been honest with you regarding the times he has slipped and had some to drink.  And he has shared with me he feels judged for this.  I can’t blame him, you have called him unethical and not having Christian standards.  That’s pretty strong.

Should he have accountability?  ABSOLUTELY!  But in a respectful way.  He definitely has deserved this.  If I’m missing something here, please let me know. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________

There was a phone conversation with Bxxxx and he was fairly vague.  Not offering a lot of explanations for his statements, not offering any apologies for his remarks, statements, or actions.  The conversation was for the most part….quite empty.

After giving myself some time to think about how I would reply to the emails.  Many days later…..this is my response…….

---

 

From: Alli

To: “Bxxxx & Lxxx Yxxxxxx”

Sent: Thursday, January 26, 2012 11:12:34 AM

Subject: In response

The anger you have for JD runs deep.  It is very apparent throughout these last emails this has been brewing for quite some time now based on when these items, you have now presented, had first taken place.  This anger has turned into judgment towards JD, betrayal, disrespect and unforgiveness.  I’m not sure what more he could do?  The standards to which you have set for him are so high, he has no hope but failure.

I will address some specifics.  And again, I believe these should have been brought to Jeff (or me) WHEN they happened.  And, it’s not right to address these things with Marie.  

The cash you are referring to last April.  I (point-blank) asked JD what this was all about.  This one took him a little while because he had no idea what you were referring to.  After a short period, he does remember a transaction that took place where he sold a piece at “below” the opening bid, and even “below” his cost.  Because this sale was so low, there was no commissions to be paid on it.  Therefore, he kept it from being included in the final auction and took care of it a different way.  And “yes” they did pay cash.  JD collects cash and does a large sum deposit.  All cash is accounted for and listed on bid sheets.

I also asked some specifics regarding JD’s brother.  When this decision was made between the two brothers, it was when his brother and wife were still married.  It’s probably more considered a loan, as JD is not paying anything until the tail end, when and if the company is ever sold.  These words of “hiding” the money (I’m assuming) came from JD’s brother?  The money is being handled the same way since the beginning, when his wife knew how it was dealt with.

I also have discovered the UW check situation.  When our company pays for a booth, typically a check is not paid (in addition) to the organization.  Hence, the 2nd check did get voided.  Upon learning about this in your email, JD discussed this with Marie, who knew only a small amount of some questions.  So this created more questions for JD.  A situation that would have been rectified immediately if brought to his attention when it took place.  This is probably the strongest area of his business  – customer relations and satisfaction.  If there is ever a situation, misunderstanding, or someone is unhappy for WHATEVER reason – it is taken care of to the benefit of the customer.   

JD has been working from the home for the past few weeks.  This has allowed me to be in much of the business dealings, which includes the situation with the Fitness Expo.  I was able to be on the opposite side here and I can tell you firsthand that there were no fits on his part.  He was disappointed and did convey this, but I’m afraid that because of all these unresolved issues, you were on the defensive.

Like I mentioned in the email before:  Do you have a right to ask these questions and concerns?  ABSOLUTELY!  But they should be brought to attention at the time of concern, not months (year(s) later.

In being as close as I have been to the business lately, I have seen some very positive things happening.  The most important is JD’s integrity!  I am going to highly disagree with the points you have brought up.  I KNOW firsthand that he is doing things that solidify the integrity of the business.  And I can also tell you how this situation has deeply affected him.  I am in prayer on my knees that he will continue to be strong in coming to the Lord, that he doesn’t sway from the path he has been walking right now.  For the first time in (?), he is doing so many things that are accountable!  My heart bleeds for him right now and I wish I could do more for him!  But I trust in the Lord to take this!

You mentioned that you wished I would have shared some things that were happening with the company.  There was a conversation this past December in which I did share the things I have mentioned.  It would have been a good time for you to share your concerns then.  I informed you just how different the finances, business and JD are right now.  That I have no complaints and feel it is such a contrast from just a year ago.  I praised JD and said we have had some situations that have been dealth with immediately.  How he is very approachable.  I’m not sure what else would be expected of him?  I am so proud of him!  And I don’t have anger or unforgiveness for the past.  I am on guard for things, but I communicate these things to him, and he responds.  Like I stated, I would be a fool to think things won’t come up.  But he’s a different person.  I truly wish you could have given him the benefit of the doubt.  He deserves it, especially when he continues to be humble when he is wrong. 

I’m going to share what I feel has transpired through this all.

In the past, and the most recent past, there has been hurt.  This hurt started a seed that became anger.  The anger feed the seeds that caused lies to be construed as truth.  And with this seed that has been growing; defensiveness, lack of trust, unforgiveness, more anger and many other feelings and actions have been growing.  Because these things have not been dealth with when they happened, we are dealing with the result.

 

This is a very difficult situation!!  I respect the two of you very much and have been blessed with you both.  However, I have to say, I see some things here that I don’t think you realize.  And I see how this has affected JD.  I know his heart, actions, walk, and mind right now – which I have communicated.  And as I mentioned in the last email, I am defending him because I believe it to be the right thing to do.  Not just because he’s my husband, but because he has been wrongly judged and actions held over his head that he has already asked forgiveness from each of you for.

Lxxx….I did receive your message.  Thank you!  You both are very important – to both of us.  I had this email drafted (up to this point) yesterday.  I have read over it numerous times, asked Faith for her opinion to this entire situation (I value her wisdom) and wanted to give it the 24-hour test.  I’m not ignoring you, I just think some time for JD and me to be in prayer and rest would be good right now.  I do wish to discuss this at a time where defensiveness is at a minimum and I want to stop having to be reactive.

I do want to convey some things that I wish “I” could take back, or do differently.  The Lake Powell incident.  I will not defend JD’s behavior.  But I need to take responsibility for my own.  I should not have let my anger swell to a point where it did.  Anger – both before and after the blowup.  I should not have gained the support and momentum like I did with others around.  These are conclusions I have come to through prayer.  JD/we had a right to be upset/unhappy with some things.  But unfortunately, JD’s behavior and actions were the final result of anger that has built up and has been magnetized to this incident.  Again….I am not condoning any of his behavior – he was wrong – admittedly – and asked for forgiveness.  I am taking responsibility for my actions too.  And I have asked for forgiveness for these.

Through some time and prayer I believe answers and/or solutions will arrive.  Until then I/we will wait upon the Lord.

Love

Alli