Sunday’s

I dislike Sunday’s~

Why?

Because this is a day my children go see their father in TC and get to pretend things are okay.

Sure….. this is what EVERYONE has wanted, pushed for, and given every effort to accomplish. But here is the REALITY……

As the person who has caused the majority of the destruction….. gets to go away for a minimum of 45 days. And now it’s being advised for 13 months.

Yep….. this gets him out of my hair! And quiet on the phone/text messages and his abuse!

However….. REALLY…. wouldn’t it be nice to go away for over a year to work on yourself?

Wouldn’t it be nice to NOT have to worry about ANYTHING…. other than getting help and better for who? Um, the one who has caused so much freaking destruction one cannot even begin to describe!

And then……. all the individuals who have been “collateral damage” during the years of abuse and destruction have to “figure it out”! Have to pick up all the pieces and try and make ends meet!

Sorry….. been a LONG time since posting.

Much has happened. (I will be updating what has transpired soon. It’s overwhelming.)

No… I’m not fighting for my marriage anymore.

I had asked the question many times before….. “When is Enough?”

That Enough has happened!

God NEVER ordained a marriage covenant to include habitual abuse. And an individual who is Bi-polar, a narcissist and alcoholic who has abused anyone close to him…… God never intended a marriage covenant to resemble this.

New Life – 2022

Well…. as I sit here and write this I’m freaking scared/angry/confused/joyful/optimistic/anxiety ridden/…… I mean the list could go on and on for the absolute mixed emotions I have right now! Good and bad emotions…. and they are all over the board!

My husband is moving out to get his own apartment. I want and “NEED” him to! But it’s not as easy as it sounds!

I know it’s been over a year since I have posted. Mainly because SO much has transpired and I’m in “survival” mode to just get by on a daily basis! Which means I don’t have any time to do anything other than what is absolutely right in front of me! I’m sure anyone who is reading this can relate!

Specifically these past 30 days have been the pivotal point in my life!

My son was married!

My daughter moved back home from college!

I have ended my marriage and we are now in the process of the next phase!

All that being said…. I will be writing more posts to clear my mind and put all this into what has been “in the past” my journaling. It will most likely be jumbled because my mind is not as clear as it was many years ago. It has become more apparent when I wake up in the morning and have to lay there trying to figure out what day it is, what happened the previous day and what I have ahead of me for the current day. It’s exhausting!

But what is more exhausting is trying to fight for a marriage and a man who I have come to realize is so narcissistic and has been so consumed with bitterness/anger/rage/resentments from others in his life and has transposed all of these onto me…. I realize this is a losing battle. He’s not on board with getting healthy and correcting any of this, but continues to mentally abuse me in his manic states. And I’ve had enough! Counseling didn’t work! I was hopeful for awhile, but I think I’m a complete fool to be so optimistic! So now….. it’s time to end what I had been fighting for….. for years!

I’ll be back with the full story of the past year (and more) of what has transpired in an addictive/narcissistic/abusive marriage!

Blessings to all of you!

Found it!

So….I was out of town with our youngest child, at a funeral, with my mother…..in Montana. Two states away!

Talked a little about it in my previous post. I always have to wonder, or more so fear, if JD will use our absence as chance to indulge in his addictions. I’ve always known that my/our being here has put a BIG damper on his indulgences!

I mean…..come on….the other day he said he did not want to, or actually enjoy, mowing the lawn anymore because he can’t have a beer afterwards. It just feel the same. He would love how he would work up the sweat to crave a cool beverage. Pondered that one for a while and made me extremely sad that he can’t enjoy, literally, ANYTHING without having some sort of substance.

We’re out of town. He’s hanging with a neighbor friend. The other sad part of this is….he’s the husband of one of my REALLY good friends. And if you’ve read any part of my previous posts, you then know I DO NOT trust many people and I have a really hard time letting people in! But, these people know all the issues and struggles that have transpired. Well…..mostly the more recent years.

Yep…..I knew it…..he was drinking and smoking marijuana with him. Really wasn’t surprised. But come on……what kind of true friend is this?

Now….onto the “Found It” title of this post.

The week after I came back I was doing some major house organization. This started in our tuck under garage. The one where JD spend an enormous amount of time last summer getting high. I don’t particularly like this part of our house. But it needed a re-organization.

Guess what I found? A crap load of weed! He didn’t hide it very well! I relocated it. Not far from where it was, but in a different spot. The following day I was back in the garage again. And guess what? It was gone! No words to me about it. NOTHiNG…..just gone!

Now I’m really starting to get annoyed! Decided to look where he re-located it to. Well…..some was in his briefcase and a good portion of it was cleverly (well not a clever as he thinks!) hid at our office in the back warehouse, in a plastic bin, covered by lot’s of STuff to camouflage it! Nice try……but you could smell it the second you opened the top of the bin!

Got me thinking……who in their right mind (well I really don’t NEED to go any further, because addicts ARE NOT in their right mind……EVER! And he wonders why he’s got mental illness issues!….Ya think!?). But who would ever think there was nothing wrong with hiding things from your spouse?!! That right there should tell you something about whether or not you should be doing this! Lies, lies, LIes and deception.

Now one thing i know for sure. This is always how it starts. Smaller and manageable, at least in his own eyes. It’s the lies he continues to tell himself, and believe them. I can do this just a LITTLE! I can control it. But we all know where this leads to. And in my case, usually having him admitted to a 72-hour lock-up due to suicide threats and attempts.

I know the patterns and I know the road.

Honestly…..I’m just WAY too tired for this BS anymore! I would say I’ve reached the end of the rope. But in reality…..I don’t know if I even have the energy to be done! Which is ultimately what I know how it will end!!

He already has stated he doesn’t like being sober!

He DOESN’T want help. He doesn’t want to be sober. He doesn’t want to fight for us our our family.

And I believe I’m at a point of accepting this and being defeated!

I can’t go through anymore of this!!

Blessings to you all!!

Arriving back from funeral

I just rolled into town at Midnight. I took my mother and youngest son out to Montana (from MN) to my uncle’s funeral. Last November he passed due to COVID and pneumonia and his Memorial was this past weekend. Took off from MN Thursday afternoon, in an RV which the A/C stopped running about an hour out! This was also the time where the temperatures were UNUSUALLY hot (95-100)!

Drove 9 hours, stopped overnight then headed back on the road around 10:30am. Drove the rest of the way to Montana. Checked into the campground. Then rolled out to meet up with relatives that were staying at a nearby hotel. Swam for about 2 hours and headed back to the campground. Went to bed around 11:30pm, had to be up early the next morning to drive an hour to the funeral.

Funeral was at 10:30 on Saturday. Very nice service for my uncle! Then headed to the gravesite and back into town after for a luncheon and meeting up with others from the funeral.

Headed back to our campsite and was able to relax for about an hour. Then headed back to the hotel to eat, swim and hang with the relatives before departing. We ended up leaving around 10:30pm, stopped at a store to pick up supplies and headed back to the campsite, arriving about 11:30pm.

I’m writing all of this because it leads me to the next point.

The day I departed, I never received any calls from JD. Anytime I had talked with him, I had called. No big deal, I’m on the road and he’s working. I called him late in the evening to see if he would be able to look ahead of where I was to see if there was a place, in about 2 hours, for me to pull in and park the RV? He did find one, and I stopped about 11:30pm.

The next time I talked with him was on the day of the funeral. I called him before we left for the gathering at the hotel and I said I would call him afterwards as well. It got REALLY late and by the time I was back at the campground, I was exhausted and it was late. I forgot to call him.

Now……during this ENTIRE time……he has not called me once. I didn’t really give it much thought.

The next day we were traveling to Mt. Rushmore and planning on staying the night in SD. On the way, my son Face Timed JD while we were traveling through the mountains. JD didn’t pick up. No big deal again.

We toured Mt. Rushmore and rolled into a campsite about 10pm. I hooked up, we ate and then I called JD.

His response, “To what do I owe this honor of your call to?”

I replied, “What are you talking about?”

Apparently he was upset that I had not called him back the prior evening and I’m now calling him. I asked if he would have preferred that I call him early in the morning when I’m taking off? Driving an RV and talking on the phone is not the easiest thing to do. Especially when the winds are quite strong! However, he’s overly irritated that I haven’t called him. I asked him if there was a reason as to why he also couldn’t or wouldn’t call me!! Hadn’t really thought about it or cared up to this point!! He just assumed that I didn’t wish to talk with him. Again……it’s ALWAYS about HIM!

We left early in the morning and power drove the rest of the way home….in the EXTREME heat…..no A/C!

On the way back I was the one who continued to call. I only called if he had to respond to something I had asked him to do, which was help me with specific directions for a shorter route.

Arrived home about midnight. So all of this happened within about 4 1/2 days. I traveled with my Mom and son through 5 states, attended a funeral, visited with relatives, toured Mt. Rushmore and drove the ENTIRE way! When I came home, I showered and dropped into bed!! I was exhausted and must have lost about 5 lbs. in just sweat!

Early the next morning…..now take into consideration that JD does NOT get up early in the mornings! Hardly EVER! He comes into bed, which let me also say that he usually sleeps on the couch and has for years!, and wants to have sex!

Now, our sex life is literally non-existent, and that would be because we really don’t have a connection together anymore. This would be a completely different topic for another time (post).

I was still so exhausted and my body hurt so bad from the past few days. I could barely get out of bed! I’m 52! Not 25!

So……now he has an attitude with me! Because I didn’t have sex with him! Yes, this goes much deeper than just this one time…..I do know this! But really? I just went non-stop for 4 1/2 days in intense heat and intense days and you’re going to pull this crap with me?!

Then, our employee who opens up the business and works in the mornings so JD doesn’t have to get up early, has a reaction to the COVID shot, so he’s not going to be in today. JD does go into the office, but doesn’t turn any lights on, sits in his beanbag that’s in a corner and puts some sort of sign up on the window. Most likely saying that we’re closed today! Not to mention when he left, he did say “goodbye” (which I was surprised) but when I said, “I love you!”, there was no response from him.

As I sat and pondered all of this, it dawned on me that he NEVER once asked me about my uncle’s funeral. And like I already stated, he never called to see how things were going. Didn’t even think about it until I started reflecting on many things!

God…..is this EVER going to stop?! I am so tired of life ALWAYS being about him and EVERYTHING revolving around him!

The Madness Continues…..

My 23-year-old daughter and I approached my husband today.  You see….he had promised, on more than one occasion, to seek professional help.  His last 72-hour lock-up is when he convinced the hospital that he was okay and they agreed to release him because he told them he would seek professional help.  (More on this event in another post.).

WOW….do I have a lot to catch up on!

So based on the fact that he has been drinking hard alcohol, on top of beer, marijuana and Adderall.  It was yet again, time to approach him regarding his follow through on seeking help!

Yeah…..that’s didn’t go entirely bad during the conversation.  We simply had printed out several opetion we had found.  Gave him the printouts and Faith proceeded to tell him that he had till Sunday to choose which one he was going to take advantage of.  She also included that if he did not choose, a more drastic step of getting a court order to have him, basically, committed.

Taking into consideration how many times he has been to the psych ward with 72-hour lock-up, or how many times the police have been called to our home, there is plenty of evidence to warrant him being locked up!

But….the big kicker with all of this…..I’m so numb to this.  But I’m also so emotionally sad as well.

I’m 51, been married since 1996 and I would have never in my wildest dreams imagined my life to be like this!!  I sincerely hate the person I have become!  And I’m not sure why I continue to fall for the same shit!

As of right now, I have several Celebbrate Recovery options that I am going to start to attend this upcoming week.  I’ve known about this program for some time.  But didn’t realize it is for individuals, such as myself, who have suffered from past hurts, hang ups and habits.  We’ll see where this takes me.

Blessings my friends!

It will NEVER stop!

Yep…it’s been a LONG time since I’ve posted. I have several posts that are in “draft” mode waiting to be published. But haven’t finished.

Over several years, a lot has transpired! I’ll fill in blanks in other posts. But for right now, this post is about events that have recently taken place.

My husband is still drinking, and not only beer….hard liquor as well. This is a big deal because he becomes rather different and mean. His remarks towards me are so derogatory and not acceptable. In addition to his continued drinking, he’s been getting high (marijuana).

Actually, I really don’t have a problem with marijuana or especially CBD. There are many benefits from it. However, when it is primarily used to get “high”…..big problem. Especially with someone who is an addict!

Here’s the past weekend. His sister came up on Friday. Who incidentally is also an individual who has many addictions. And she brings them here with her!!

I come home from the office because the cousins wish to do lake activities with our kids. I’m typically the one who does most of the lake activities. I come around to the backyard, where everyone is. Our neighbor is also over, one who tends to get “high” and drink with JD. And here on the back patio is JD’s sister and our neighbor, with all of her marijuana goods laid out on the table and SELLING to our neighbor!!!! What the hell! Not to mention, all the kids are around watching this!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m literally speechless! She acts as if nothing is wrong! She says it’s CBD! The kids are like…..”Yeah, right!” THEY KNOW! Instead of making a big scene, I just proceed to tend to the kids and go out on the lake.

But here’s what takes place. His sister gets incredibly high and has much to drink. I’m not sure how much, as I have been on the boat. But I’m told she had some very strong drinks. And now she’s solidly “out” on our couch upstairs. Pass out or sleeping – I really don’t know.

JD has been smoking quite a bit with our neighbor and also drinking – including hard alcohol. Which tends to have very harsh or degrading comments come out of his mouth. So I avoid him. Go eat and head to bed. Which is what I typically end up doing. Going to bed. Or staying late at the office so I don’t have to deal with it!

The next day comes and his sister pretty much sleeps the entire day. Waking a few times and during one of her “awake” proceeds, proceeds to tell me just how depressed she’s feeling. Well, when you lead this kind of lifestyle, what else do you expect? A miracle!?

And JD sleeps till about noon. Which is typical. Usually when I try to wake him up in the morning he either grunts or yells at me. I literally HATE to try and wake him up!! And I will avoid it at all costs. I only wake him if I absolutely have to! Mornings usually start so unpleasant here in this house! I don’t know what I hate more: mornings with the hangovers and grumpiness or evenings with the drunken highs with either someone thinking he’s funnier that he is or me being the brunt of degrading comments?

Now…there’s a kicker! JD has become more productive and does have a new lease on things since he has been using cannabis. But ONLY when it is used in moderation and appropriately. But we all know that is virtually impossible for someone who suffers from addictions!

Because now the “beast” has been let out of the closet again! I have really targeted the biggest beast – the one who’s in the most control (other than satan!) and that’s hard alcohol. And guess what? JD also know this as well. When you have to lie and sneak around about it…..shouldn’t that tell you something isn’t right?! Yep…..it’s hidden in the underground garage. Sometimes in plastic storage bins and sometimes just on the shelf down low. And I’ve even found it stored on Pepsi bottles under the bathroom sink! That’s when I’ve also figured he spikes his Pepsi bottles with it too!

He thinks the Listerene he uses takes all the smell away….well it doesn’t!

Through the years of this…..I have truly reached a point where I really don’t care anymore! I have NO interest in trying to make things “work-out”! I have NO interest in making him choose between his addictions or me! I’m just flat out tired and have NO interest in fighting. Fighting with him or for him!!!!

It’s now Sunday. Our family did church service on the couch (due to COVID) and JD usually sleeps on the couch, so he doesn’t need to be woken up for it. And it starts at 11am, so it’s not “too” early! It actually was a nice time. Service ended, JD made breakfast for everyone. His sister watched a little bit of the service and then went back to sleep “nap” some more and everyone went on with their day.

I’m downstairs when JD came in, in full fledged anger. He can’t find his pot stash. Which now that he bought more from his sister – it’s probably about $300 worth. He said he may have hid it somewhere and coudn’t remember where that was, or someone stole it. And then went into a complete anger fit. Literally throwing things out of the garage. Things like tool kits and various other stuff around and hitting bins.

I left! Didn’t want a single thing to do with it. Went into my bedroom, locked the door and started listening to Christian music. Trying to find my way to feeling The Lord’s prescense – but to be honest – I am having a hard time with the fact that this has been going on for over 20 years! And I’m drained, numb and have nothing left.

My oldest daughter, Faith, who has more knowledge of all the mess than I would have ever imagined possible, texted me that he had located it. She was asked because she uses CBD to combat her Lyme disease. So he thought she might have misplaced it. But her comment: she wasn’t surprised he misplaced it, or put it somewhere and forgot where he put it last night because he was really loaded. He was in the underground garage and had been smoking and drinking – lots! So….he was probably really wasted and didn’t even remember he had put it somewhere else!

So….I decided to journal again! I think I stopped because a friend of mine, who I was in a Bible study with, proceeded to tell me how unhealthy it might be for me to continue to write about the crap in my life. And I should focus on the blessings. Allbeit, it do think there is truth to the statement of focusing on the blessings, because that is what can change your mind and heart around. I also know the power of putting my story into words. Getting it off my chest and out. To sort it out. And many times, I’ve actually gone back and read my own posts and was in sobbing tears! For me….it’s therapeutic!

Blessings to y’all!

Alli

Christmas 2018 – Part 2

The next morning, the day after Christmas, I had to be in early at our place of business.  During the late morning, my daughter calls me to ask if I’m aware that Dad has taken off and is driving around (very oddly) down south a bit.

Yes.  I’m aware.  I had been tracking him.  You see…when you have lived with this for so long, you know the patterns.  You know what to expect…to a certain extent.  I knew it (he) was brewing up to something of this nature.  This typically means for him to disappear, not tell anyone, turn everything off, shut the world out and leave his family continually wondering what’s going to happen!

The sad part of this is, it really doesn’t affect us in the same way anymore.  Faith and I were discussing how we, for the most part, are really not in panic and extreme anxiety mode anymore.  We talked about how it has happened so many times before, that we are really numb to it.  We discussed just how sad that really was.  I mean, if he’s going to do something really stupid, we are not going to be able to stop him!  We really do care, otherwise we wouldn’t be tracking him and reaching out to him.  But we are ultimately NOT responsible for his actions.  Only ours.

So….I did text him this @ 3pm: “If you would be up to talk tonight, I would like to talk.  I think there was much miscommunication & misunderstanding that transpired & we were all quite tired last night to talk.  Getting a good night rest was the best before talking.  Thoughts?”

No response.  Continued to track what he was doing.  Very odd behavior this time.  Did end up checking into a very sketchy motel about an hour south of where we live.  No replying to anyone.  As usual, just shut himself off from the world.  But I did know where he was at!

Because I (we) do care about him and his well-being, I contacted a very good friend of his that lives close to where he was at.  I gave him the location and asked if he could go to the motel.  I told him I wasn’t sure what he ultimately would be walking in to?  His past events of this nature have ended up with him trying to commit suicide or harm himself in some way.  Most likely he would be very intoxicated and unapproachable.  Which is why it would not be a good idea for either Faith or myself to go.  He said, “Yes!” And went to the motel.  JD ended up going back to this friends house and staying the night.  Which was a good thing.

Each time these events happen, it brings us back to some extreme memorable events.  The stress, anxiety and panic is over the top and creates such a level of stress that I seriously can’t even describe it!  But in the same token, each time these events unfold, the overall feelings are lessened….we are numb to it now.  Not good!

So, the next day……

I was at the office when JD ended up eventually coming home.  We had not told the boys anything of what transpired the evening before.  Just that he had hung out with his friend and spent the night.  Didn’t feel like getting into the whole ordeal with them.  Remember, been through this before, and the need to fill everyone in is so not necessary.

Faith was leaving on the 31st for a study abroad program for 21 days.  I was NOT going to let her leave with the home in this state.  I would do what was necessary to have her leave from a positive environment.  So….that meant me sucking it up and doing what was necessary to smooth this over.

That evening, when JD was in the TV room, I went in and apologized for everything that transpired.  I took the full responsibility for it.  EVEN though I did not feel as though I needed to.  I really felt like this was more on him.  But I also know that it is the Christian thing to do.  It’s not about who’s right or wrong…I knew I needed to think of someone other than me or my husband.  I needed to think about Faith and her leaving for Europe for 21 days!!

So I apologized.  Without needing to hear it reciprocated.  It seemed as if it fell on deaf ears.  Not much of a response.  So I calmly left the room.  Not harsh words were spoken that evening, not much of anything transpired.  We all, as a family watched a movie together.

Later the next day, JD did also apologize and for the first time in a long time, held me like everything was going to be okay.  It was a bit out of the ordinary.  But welcomed!

Christmas 2018 Part 1

It’s been awhile since my last post (journal entry)!

Why?

Well….one reason is because about a year ago, the Bible study I was in, the gals voiced their opinion on how I really shouldn’t keep a “so-called” record of all the crappy stuff.  Why would I do that? They asked.  I said because it’s part of my testimony and “my life” and my way of journaling.  Yada-Yada-Yada.

However, every time I would sit to write, I would almost feel guilty.

And now……I NEED to write.  I NEED to put these accounts into words for myself.  To get them out of my mind, into written form and process.  I really haven’t processed much of what has transpired.

I’m in survival mode!!!!!!!!!

There has been so much that has transpired.  I’m not going to write about everything in this post.  Just some events which happened in the past couple of days.

Christmas time.

Unfortunately, Christmas…..well December…..has become one of those times – months that I wish I could just skip right by.  Sorry…..I really don’t like this time of year!

Yep…..I know the significance of it!  I know it is to be celebrated for the birth of our Savior!  And I treasure that aspect of it!  The last few years we have purposely scaled back on gifts and busyness.  And that has been successful and a blessing!

It’s memories of the past, which I believe mostly subconsciously, creep back in the steal joy.  Especially when events happen that bring me physically and emotionally back to past times.  Times that were not so pleasant.

We have not been to JD’s family for Christmas for almost 10 years.  For multiple reasons.  It would become so chaotic and stressful with all the family drama, the drinking that occurred and the true meaning of Christmas is, quite frankly, lost.  We didn’t want my Mom to spend Christmas alone, so it was nice to have her here for Christmas and use that as part of our reasoning for not going to JD’s family.

This year……my Mom was not going to be coming over for Christmas.  And we all decided it would be a good idea to go to JD’s family.  We actually had it all worked out to surprise his Mom & Dad.  We drove 2 cars, so Faith and I could go back earlier the next day (Christmas Day).  We have dogs that our neighbor graciously was looking after until we arrived back home.

I knew there was going to be drinking.  We had been at his sisters a couple of weeks before and there was drinking involved.  JD had some, and I did as well.  We have been drinking on occasion lately, but I’ll get to more on that in another post.

Before we went down, we discussed just what it would look like.  A couple of beers, no hard liquor and keeping it to a minimum.  Especially since our kids were present as well.

So at this point, I assumed everything was copesetic!  Right!?

WRONG!

We attended church service with his brother.  A very nice service.  Actually I was rather emotional at the service and even after.  After church service, we came back to his sister’s.  That’s where everyone gathers for Christmas Eve.  It was just us, his sister and her husband at this time.

I rounded the corner in the kitchen and JD was pouring a straight up whisky low-ball on ice.  I was taken by surprise and apparently I had a look as such on my face.  However, JD took this look as me being over-the-top upset.  Which I wasn’t, I was surprised.

This one moment in time set the stage for the rest of the evening and the next day.

JD will not hold back on his undercutting comments towards me.  And if there is an audience, primarily if it’s his family, he will let the comments rip.  Which is exactly what he did!  So much so, that at one point, I quietly went downstairs into the bathroom and cried.  Regrouped and pulled myself together.  Knowing I was in for quite a Christmas Eve time!  I had decided I wasn’t going to let him dictate if I was going to have a good time or not.  So I just rolled with the night.  Let him make his comments and didn’t fuel it by saying anything back.  For the most part, just didn’t partake in any conversation with him or respond to his comments.

Then…..the end of the night came.  The nasty comments increased and we ended up in a rather large fight.  He took off, intending to go to his parents house to sleep, but they didn’t answer the door.  However, we didn’t know this was his intention.  He turned his phone off and didn’t say anything to anyone.  Taking into consideration this has happened numerous times and has put each of his family members in a state of panic and deep anxiety….this set in again!  The overwhelming fear of what he’s going to do to himself.

He certainly did get an earful from his daughter when he came back. But he ripped into me even further.  Saying how I ruined the entire Christmas and how I was so awful for what I did that evening.  How dare I to ruin probably the only time we’ll be back with his family during Christmas like this.  WOW!

However, even through all what had transpired that evening.  After he had come back and was downstairs, I went down to try to talk.

He turned to me and said, “I don’t want to hear anything from you!”  Walked past me, went into the bathroom and slammed the door.  I waited until he was done.  He exited and went to lay down on the couch.  I followed and again tried to talk.  He said, “You can say anything you would like, I have nothing to say to you!”  So I proceeded to explain  and talk about the night and what transpired.  Stating I was never mad, anygry or upset.  And started to discuss his comments towards me.  And it was at that point he told me to just leave and he was done.

I went upstairs.  Went to bed.  Tried to fall asleep.  Wasn’t really successful as I was too upset.  Morning came.  I was cordial.  Left with Faith as soon as we could.

JD and the boys returned home later that evening.  We all gathered in the front room and opened up a few gifts we had forgotten to take with.  It was cordial.  We did stuff as a family and there was no fighting.

The next day I had to go into our office and work.

Part 2 coming………

So……

You know when you’ve tried just about everything you know possible to help, researched every area of the World Wide Web, books, and individuals to find out WHAT in the world to do!?!?!?

Well……that’s where I’m at right now!  Just wait…..it’ll probably change tomorrow.  Heck, it’ll probably change in the next hour!

Isn’t that how we all feel?  Like every part of our lives typically change with the wind?

I’ve been involved in 2 Bible studies.  One for many months.  It began as an 11 week study, but it has transpired into a group of 4 women and has been so good!  We have come to realize we are just all hot messes doing life together!

The other study I’m leading and my daughter is also involved.  This also has been amazing!  So praise God!!

These women have encouraged me, lifted me up and been my support line.  Other than God!

I have been completely transparent about my life and the hot mess it is.  If you know the song “Even If” by Mercy Me……that’s me and my life!  I usually cry every time I hear it.

With all that being said, my life does change on a dime.  And navigating it lately has been so overwhelming!  So much so that I did end up going to the hospital.  Which if you knew me personally, you would know it was pretty serious for me to go in!  I DON’T LIKE HOSPITALS OR DOCTORS!  AND I don’t have the time to be the one ill and on my back in a hospital bed!  REALLY….everything will completely fall apart!

So what’s going on?  Remember how I just mentioned research and doing just about anything?

Well…..that’s what we did.  The just about anything!

Hoping to have results and move past the absolute destruction of addiction issues.  Past the addiction of prescription medications.  Move forward to……well SOMETHING different!

I’m losing my mind!  (Even with my Bible study gals!). I feel so trapped!  Trapped in a life that doesn’t seem to ever change, or even let up!  Trapped in a constant state of chaos!  Trapped with a feeling of no hope!

I truly thought that the most recent treatment was going to change our life!  My disappointment in the fact that it hasn’t is so devastating!

There ARE some positives to it!  TRULY….there are!  JD is not on any of the following and has no desire:

Suboxone

OxyContin

Kratom

Alcohol

But he still has extreme and debilitating depression.  Which he has been taking medication for this for the past 18 years.  And recently he started taking Vyvance (Adderall) again because he had no energy or desire to do ANYTHING!

However, he still has NO desire to do anything.  Or he is too depressed.  Or his body hurts too bad to do anything.

However, I do seem to be able to run our business, homeschool 2 of our children, involved in 2 Bible studies & try to maintain some order to the house…..all the while having numerous migraines and stress related anxiety!

This is why I’m losing it!  Because I just can’t maintain it!

I have such resentment and anger inside because of all this!  And he gets upset with me because he feels as if I don’t care about how he feels.  I truly do….but I am at capacity to even have time to care for myself.

I have prayed so much about what to do…..and I don’t have any direction or answers.

I really feel so alone!  I can’t share anything with my husband because he can’t “handle” any type of stress.  So I just hold it all in!

And then end up in the hospital!  That’s actually not funny….but true!  And all the while I was there (a whole 4 hours!!) I kept thinking about ALL the stuff I could be doing!!

I really can’t wait until the day in heaven to know why He hasn’t moved these mountains!  I know there is a reason!  I know He’s at work!  And I know he doesn’t waste a hurt!

Update August 2017

It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted!  And there has been A LOT of events, blessings, not-so-much blessings, progress and regress since the last postings regarding Battling the beast!

Still in the battle!  However, I have much to report on gaining ground!

So……I’m going to summarize much of the past to bring current and focus on the current state of progress.

January 2017: Sold a portion of one of our businesses.

June 2017: JD went off deep end again.  Drank entire bottle of hard liquor, took an extensive amount of pills (suicide) and ended up in the hospital.

May 2017: I went back full-time in our business.  Had to let my mother go from our business.  She was doing the books.  The books and accounting is majorly screwed up.  Found most of this during a recent sales tax audit.  And if any of you have gone through a sales tax audit….you know how stressful this can be!!

9/9/16: JD and I had a major blow-out, he left and was driving extremely fast and recklessly, indicated suicide, called daughter in college, tracked him and had police pull him over.

7/4/16: JD was drinking on the 4th of July.  I had an over the top psychotic episode (which scared the crap out of ME!)  I drove off in our RV late that night and stayed away for 3 days.

6/22/16: I had an extreme episode of explosion!

9/7/15: Suicide attempt.

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11/24/15:

EMAIL MESSAGES:

—— Original Message ——
From: Alli
To: JD
Sent: November 24, 2015 at 11:13 AM
Subject: So that’s how things go?

For the last several days, you tend to treat me like I’m your enemy. You wake up in much the same mood, unapproachable.  Yet turn to the kids, and others, and seemingly have a 180 of your attitude and demeanor.

This past weekend was no different.  Actually it was at it’s height of vivid disgust towards me with small remarks and digs.  You came home from MJ’s basketball game and went into the rant of basically giving up on him because he’s doing the same things as Scott and putting all the blame on yourself.  And then went into a funk towards me.  Just to let you know……during these times, if you haven’t already noticed-I just leave the room.  My level of tolerance is not there.
Do you even stop to think about others and how they may feel or think when you do these things?  It brings me back to about 5 years ago as well.  Pretty traumatic times for me.  As much as you don’t want things to repeat – neither do I!!
You are not and have not been happy for some time now, I am getting sucked into this.  This is not who I am and I am becoming very angry – mostly at myself.  Maybe you can’t see it, but our marriage and home are resembling your parents.  No we don’t have the issues of the teenagers – just yet.  I see it starting to transpire.

I, as well as you, have not been doing good lately.  Communicating only a little of this with you, because much of the focus is on you, your health, sleeping, addictions and how to get off of them.  However, with the way I have been lately, I actually have been quite low and down.  But one of the differences here is…..I’m alone in this area.  And another major difference right now……I have nothing left for anyone else.

But it’s quite disheartening to see a text in which you tell Faith that I have been ignoring Scott too!  Huh?  I was playing pool with him for quit some time, he was with me most of the evening.  Yes, I did tell him to quit with the remarks and said he could be done with them.  Ignoring? NO!

But the real kicker is that “Mom should suck it up!”  WOW!  How about you sucking it up and getting up in the morning and going into the office to do something so the business does not completely fold!!  Most of the time……. I DO SUCK IT UP!  The anxiety level around here is only going to grow with what’s transpiring. With the nothingness that continues to happen on a monumental level.  I’m NOT going to sit around and let it continue!  I did not just sit in my office downstairs and sulk!  I actually did an analysis of our personal financial spending over the past 18 months.  Quite scary!  And I don’t see much in regards to increased business.  Anxiety of the end is rapidly approaching.  And you are not making any kind of a move to save it.  And I walk on eggshells to make any reference to your level of involvement and action.  So things just continue to stay the same, or actually get worse with time.

And finally…….what right do “you” have to just make such a decision in regards to this car?  Crossed quite a line there!  When has it ever been okay to just make such a decision solely? I think I might need to be making such financial decisions myself based on some analysis that was very enlightening when compiling our spending!  Which is out of control!  i.e. Comcast: $5,500, Chiropractic: $3500, Health (non Insurance payments): $8000,  various spending (Target/Sam’s Club/Costco): $20,000+, Lifetime Fitness: $2635, Food/Rest: $2,200, etc. – and this is just personal.
And lastly, I/we are not able to handle Thanksgiving at our house.  It would be completely crazy to have an entire house full of people with additional dogs.
In conclusion – an avoidance of everything is the best – otherwise I’m fairly certain things would come out (more than what just did) and it wouldn’t be a good thing.  And since we have completely stopped doing anything via Pastor R with counseling or other areas – here we are again!
By the way-who did you end up going drinking with last night?
Alli

JD’s Response:

Wow!  I feel so much better after this.

So you’re not my enemy?

Perhaps you will recall last Tuesday night.  For some unknown reason I completely shut down and fell asleep around 7 PM.  Note that I didn’t grab a six pack, head down to the recliner, and nod off to a football game.  Clearly this upset you that night as you didn’t even bother to get me up so I could use my c pap.  I asked you the next morning why you didn’t wake me up and you completely ignored me.  You then proceeded with your angry stance the rest of the day.  Never once did you ask me if I was okay or why I inexplicably dozed off like that (as it is very unusual for me).  Nearly 100% of my demeanor towards you since is a result of that.  Much like you are saying, I simply reached a breaking point.  I just can’t take the guilt arrows that keep coming my way anymore.  I am so frustrated with the very gradual progress and often complete backslide that words cannot express it.

Thanks to you, I have a constant reminder of how I got here.  I have so many regrets that are almost impossible to live with, and every time you summarize it all, it is like taking another poison arrow through the stomach.

Thanks for the “suck it up” rant.  However, my meaning was about 99% softer than yours.  I only meant to suck up your anger towards me and talk to me for a couple minutes.  So you took this’s COMPLETELY  out of context.  Great opportunity for you to tell me how you really feel though.

When I was driving Scott to youth group last night, he said that you were completely ignoring him.  He asked you about a ride to Church and got no response from you.  So later on you spent some time with him.  Okay, but it isn’t as though I just made that up.

Regarding business and spending and all ancillaries associated with that, you are right.  It is very scary.  I am scared to the point of near paralysis and I just can’t seem to get over the hump.  It is very difficult to deal with this as you go into a total panic every time I mention the state of things.  It may have been possible to put two heads together and form a workable plan, but emotions seem to make that implausible.

Honestly, I am so torn about what is the best thing to do for everyone.  I very strongly feel that the family would be better off without me in the long run.  This is really not me feeling sorry for myself, but rather me trying to look at this selflessly.  I am nothing more than a shell of my old self (and that apparently wasn’t so great to begin with).  I am not a good father or husband and the family is falling apart as a result.  With me out, at least you can look to rebuild and get a fresh start, possibly with someone who is what I am not anymore.  Option 2 is to try to rebuild the family.  After reading your note, I can see that this would be a much more intricate and complex process than it initially appeared to be.  Do we really believe that all things are possible through Christ?  Do we?  Our actions would point strongly to NO.  We are great Christians with other believers in Church, small groups, co-ops, etc., then we act like pagans toward one another.  It is incredibly hypocritical.

I tried to get you to discuss and look at the car; hence the “suck it up”.  I did not want to make this decision without you, but I was put in a no-win position.  I would not do this if I wasn’t certain it was the right move.  If I wait til you come around, it will be gone.  It would be by far the best car purchase I’ve ever been involved in.  Financially, it is almost the same as the BMW you were completely on board with, so it is not as though I went a completely different direction behind your back.  I just got a much better car for the money and there is literally no risk involved.  It is also the safest car you can buy…….and I arranged to do auctions at the dealership, starting next week.  This would be a tough one to back out on.

Last night I went to the Sunshine Factory with JT and had ONE beer.  I will show you the receipt.  So……not really “out drinking”!

TEXT MESSAGES:

JD: You forgot to explain to me how awful I am in bed, too.  I assume you forgot because it is probably the only thing more you could have broken me down with.  I have never been the brunt of anything so cruel and hurtful in my life.  You always stop short of asking me to leave so you don’t have to take the blame but, don’t worry, you made your wishes crystal clear.  I will not be here when you get home and you can tell my family not to come up or deal with them on your own.

Me: Oh my word that is the biggest pity party I have ever seen.  I have reread that email, there is nothing cruel in it!  Please point it out to me what u think is so cruel!  And as far as your family coming, please tell them, as I have already stated I really don’t think it’s a good idea to do any entertaining right now!  Don’t think either one of us are exactly in any condition to be entertaining!  The email merely states that we’re both going through some pretty shitty time!  However, it doesn’t ever really appear that I am taking into consideration about being down, depressed, side affect of being not so well, it mostly focuses on you and how I should have somehow known that this particular time that you went and laid down that it was somehow different than any others?  Way to throw sex into this as well!  Yah, no where did I say that!  And no where did I mention anything about leaving!  You can put a spin on it however you want to in regards to me falling short of mentioning that!  Simply not true!  So by what you’re saying you think that I should just keep my mouth shut about any opinions I might have, how I feel, suck it up, and take care of everybody else?  Because to me your words are saying just that!  Nor did you answer my question of how you really think I should act, navigate our situation, or respond to what’s actually going on right now!  Should I just sit and let everything roll out and watch it take its course of destruction?

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12/11/15

Text Message:

JD:  How the hell are we suppose to fight the battle for our spiritual, physical and mental health, along with our businesses, when we are too damned busy fighting one another.  If you want to quit, then please just do it and tell me to go!!  In or out!  This half-baked crap is not good for anyone in our family.  Why does it seem like every time I have a burst, something like this happens and lets all the air out!?  I was not going to go and subject myself to more hypocrisy tonight and I did not want to be the center of attention because we’re not doing well.

Me: Does a burst entail continued bad moods and smart-ass remarks towards me?  Or maybe leaving each day without saying goodbye and continuing to make me feel as if I’ve done something wrong – again?  yeah – nice remarks to me in front of Faith & Lauren about how I feel ok to talk to them.  You have absolutely no idea how I fee, and I really don’t think you care.  Nothing is happening because nothing is happening!  I’m not fighting.  I have so many things going on right now (though you don’t care!) so I’m merely avoiding most things that are stressful.  I will continue to leave the room when you have no patience, fling your sarcasm at me or make your opinionated remarks.  So again: nothing new is happening because nothing new is happening.

JD: Yeah.  That’s what i meant by burst.  Thanks.

JD: BTW: What did you say to me when I got up and walked into the kitchen yesterday?

Me: So getting up each day ignoring me or acting as if I’m some sort of enemy and leaving most days without any words, or a goodbye is suppose to give me the warm fuzzies as if everything is alright?  And your digs?  Making me feel like I’m the enemy,  I certainly can tell you, one in which I have come to the conclusion….you do not care.

Good morning…As I do most of the time.  Or sometimes…..how are you feeling?  Or how about……how did you sleep last night?

Any questions ever come from you like that?  NOPE!

Actually, come to think about it, your question to me in the care today was:  “mind telling me what’s going on with you?”

My response:  “I haven’t been feeling good.  My hands, arms and feet are numb right now and I’ve been having a lot of cramping.”  You asked if I needed you to drive, I said no.  My further replies didn’t seem to be quick enough or the right answers, so you just staying on your iPad the entire time, even staying in the car.  No further conversations whatsoever.

JD: You didn’t say a damn word, nor did you even look at me!  So, no!  Not even one of those questions you spitefully referenced.  And I am through tolerating you mocking and condescending me for the struggles I’m battling.  Either you don’t get it or you don’t give a shit, but, to give you a good point of reference, those remarks would be the equivalent to ME calling YOU stupid!  So, if you’re really trying to nail me, you’ve got me down.  I have gotten to a point where I don’t feel that sharing my feelings and challenges with you is safe anymore.  Really!  I try to bring up as little as possible anymore.  And that “I don’t care” crap is really getting old.  That is pure, baseless, garbage.  I really don’t know where that is come from, but I can say that UNEQUIVOCALLY, it is not the truth.  And, even as angry as I am right now,  I am truly sorry if I have ever made you think that.  Of all the flaws I have, caring about people is most assuredly not on the list – and you damn well know that.  But, really, i am not holding you prisoner.  Seeing how clearly unhappy you are is sapping what little feeling of worth that I have left.  It is really time for you to seriously evaluate your options because this isn’t working – for our entire family.

JD: You know that thing where you flick your finger up and down on your lips and make that bbbl, bbbbbbl, bbbl sound?  That’s what your last text has me doing right now!  Today……? Me……..? OH BOY!!

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As I scroll through past text messages, there are LOT of prayer requests and God filled messages.  I wanted bring attention to the fact that we would text: “How can I pray for you?”  And we would in all sincerity, pray for each other.

So in the same timeline of all the ick stuff, there is caring, praying, love, praise and business matters discussed.  If I did include ALL of the messages, this would be insanely long!