Battling the beast – days 6 thru 31

Oh my…..how time flies!

We are still going strong on the battle!  The days after day 6 were steady.  Not much to report on.  He continued to take all the supplements as we had planned.  There were some days where his despair and depression were worse and he would take it easy and increase some of the supplements a little.  But it was very manageable!

We had lunch with our previous pastor, who is a dear friend and we are involved in his ministry.  He has also been our marriage counselor and without him and his marriage ministry, my husband and I would probably be divorced by now.  I know the endless prayers and support he has provided to us and for us has been a life saver – TRULY!  An absolute blessing from The Lord!

During lunch, he commented on how great we both looked.  How we just looked to have more life and light in us.  We just looked like we were in a good place.  There also has been a couple of times that other individuals have noticed how good my husband looked.  And from individuals who have no idea what has been going on.  You know……the behind the scenes that most people don’t know about!

Then came day 27!  This was also the day during his first try to rid the Suboxone and couldn’t push thru.  This was also a time where we were not as educated and informed.

The despair, depression and physical attributes of this drug started rearing it’s ugly head!  This did not surprise me due to the fact of how Suboxone stays in one’s system for some time.

Flu like symptoms had set in.  Throwing up, body aches, restless leg syndrome, irritability, etc.

It was my birthday yesterday, and even though it was not a great day in general…..I’m okay with it!  I know that this process is so worth it and it will be the greatest birthday present having this be behind us and looking to the future of being clean!

I also know, without a shadow of doubt, this would not be working – and working as well as it has been – without The Lord!  My husband’s faith and time with The Lord has never been stronger!  And this is so refreshing!!  It is through this faith that we are able to do this together, as a team and have seen the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m a bit concerned, he leaves for out of town on Tuesday and it can be rough traveling.  Especially if these symptoms are still present.  But I have faith!

Blessings!!

Alli

Battling “the beast” Day 4-5

I stand here again……in complete awe!  His love is never ending!!!!

I can say this right now because I have been in the deepest of despair and felt He was so far away.  And I have been in a place before where His presence was so magnificent that when we were through that season in life, I had what’s called an Elijah experience:

It’s when we have had great spiritual benefits

This was how it was for Elijah. He had had a great experience on the mountain. (Read 1 Kings 18:16-39.) What a great success it had been! God had showed his power and greatness. Elijah must have felt great excitement. He was so happy. Then it came…the depression!

I vividly remember this a short time after my middle aged son was born prematurely.  He was born @ 1lb. 12oz. – 26 weeks gestation and was in the hospital for 3 months.  This was surprisingly a very peaceful time.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was going to be okay.  This time was so powerful with the “presence” of Jesus.  And if only we could just remain in this state for the entire time we are here on earth.  But that is not the plan.  Turmoil does exist and we are to keep pressing in on Him to give us strength, perseverance, endurance and HOPE!

So today…….at the end of day 5 – I am elated!  I know not to rest on this, because the evil one is hiding just behind the corner.  But I want to take this moment to give praise!

My husband has made it through the initial hard part.  We have done our research to the best means possible to safely and effectively kick opiate medications and have completely surrendered to God!  Now…..as I was talking with my husband, not sure if it’s due to the supplements and regimen we have him on, the stronger faith we both have right now or both.  Our answer….both!  You cannot stand before me and tell me that my husband being fully functional to go into the office BUT also being of such sound mind as he is right now has nothing to do with the power of God!!  When he came home he mentioned it was so different.  The clouded mind fog was not there.  He was very productive and got so much done!  I’M SPEECHLESS!!  I’m filled with…….oh my gosh….joy!  I will soak this in right now!

In addition, he also does not crave the same foods.  Before, each night, he would CRAVE sugar!  Now it’s healthy and salty foods.  Oh what drugs and medications can do to your body!

Yes….there is still depression.  But he has said it is not the complete despair he has felt before.  He does suffer from depression and is on medication for that.  But the depression as a result of withdrawing from prescription medications is different.  I can’t relate and I don’t know just how to explain, other than what he tells me.  And what I see in his face and behavior.  But I’m not fearful of what lies ahead.

 

Battling “The beast” Day 3

Well….it’s been over 72 hours.

This is the time where the severe depression and despair sets in!  This is the beginning of what scares my husband to death!!

He’s feeling it today and says his emotions are all over the place.  Mostly down and depressed.  He says he is even crying a lot!

We started with another new supplement today.  One that is suppose to curb the withdrawals and help with the process.  But this couldn’t be taken until a minimum of 72 hours after being off of Suboxone.

He is still spending much time in the War Room.  Which is so very good!!  Praise God for His faithfulness!!

I feel His presence here as I have been able to stay supportive, calm and caring!  I even asked my husband if he thought I was being patient and supportive?   He did say, “yes!”  Because I do not have a great track record in this area.  I get anxious and lose my patience:(  I do have to admit that I don’t have the best bedside manners.  I tend to become impatient with individuals (even with myself) if they become too needy, or are sick/ill for a long period of time.  Idk…..maybe it’s because I’m a Mom and don’t usually have the time to be sick or ill?  But I also tend to get over things (pretty much most emotional or sick type of things) rather quickly.  Don’t have time to bleed!  Probably not really healthy in the long run?!  I know this about myself, have recognized it, and try to do better at this.  Because sometimes it can appear as though I have no feelings.  Anyhow…..enough about me!

I’m ready for day 4!  I have thought about going from room-to-room in my home with my Bible and praying in each and every room.  Cleansing it!  Yep…..think that’s what I will do on day 4.  There is NO room here for satan, the beast or anything that might interfere with God’s plans!

Blessings to all!!!!!

Battling “The beast” Day 2

The battle is manageable.  But we know what is called “shelf life”, which is how long the Suboxone actively stays in the system is called 1/2 shelf life.  What this means is, after the first 72 hours, it really reeks havoc on the receptors in your brain and body!  This is where it get extremely tough and can, in fact, last months.  Everyone is different.  Even when you stop taking it, it stays in your system for quite some time.  That’s why it’s so hard to just stop.  Even after the first 72 hours, it still rears it’s ugly head.

These medications attach to your receptors and quite frankly your brain and nerve endings.  So as the body is not being supplied the substance (in pill form), and your body is NOT use to producing what is natural to our receptors due to the medications doing it for so long, your body in reality does not know what to do.  The medications have masked what the body is suppose to do, and you are left with a body that is so completely out of sync it doesn’t know what to do.  It’s misfiring and the pain that goes through your body is sometimes unbearable.  I prepared a bath with Epsom salt to help pull out toxins.  Seemed to help a little.

But today, still taking natural supplements to help with this process has so far proven to be beneficial.  He has not slept as much as I thought he would and in my opinion…..this has been better than the first time.  But he is scared to death of what he knows is coming…….the despair and depression is so bad!  This is what he fears the most.  He has told me it’s like he has voices in his head that just won’t go away.  The despair is so great that he doesn’t want to live.  The main difference this time is his faith!  Last time, he was not as solid and I continue to pray that he will dive deeper for the refuge in The Lord!

However, we did have a little episode where we couldn’t find the remote!  This in general is quite a frustrating, seemingly ongoing occurrence:)  – that’s why companies make small devices to attach to your remote to help find it!  (I think we need one!!) But this time, he did lose his temper.  That’s okay!  It was bedtime for our youngest.  We went to bed.  My husband went downstairs and I think he went into the War Room.  Not sure?  I did hear some slamming of doors and items for a short time.  I didn’t interfere!  And it would not be very smart if I thought something like this wouldn’t have taken place.  It’s part of the process!  I feel as if it was handled in the best means possible!  We all fell asleep and there were no fights!  WAS NOT going to go there…..wouldn’t have been worth it!  No reason to!  I prayed for him to be filled with the Holy Spirit and me to have compassion and patience.  That’s what took place:)  Praise God!

I’m ready for Day 3!!  Usually day 3 is the worst!  The body really goes into overdrive with withdrawal effects!  But we are prepared!!  We continue to pray!

Battling “The beast” Day 1

The first day is usually okay.  Not too many withdrawal effects start happening on this day.  Mostly just being very shivery cold then sweating hot.  The feeling of the flu is probably the best to describe it.  Very achy.  We have purchased a supplement to help with the withdrawal.  He started taking this a couple of days beforehand so his body could already have a head start.

It was also nice that there was no one at home during the day, so it was rather quiet in our home.  Something that usually doesn’t happen because we homeschool.  But Friday’s we have classes.  So he was able to sleep much of the day.  This helps tremendously with getting through the detox!

However, I know the worst has not happened!  The last time he threw up quite a bit, had tremors, restless legs and felt as if he was going to climb the walls or wished he could just jump out of his skin.

I continue to pray that I will be supportive, calm, and a help in any way I can.  I continue to remind myself that this is what we “both” wish and I play a vital role in this process.  He NEEDS my support.  And I NEED him off the prescription medications!!

The Battlefield

Okay, so most of you that have read through my postings, know that our battle with “The beast” is with prescription medications which my husband is currently on, and has been taking for a number of years.  This has such a huge affect mentally, physically and emotionally that it has to change.  We have researched the best ways to accomplish this, but the process is very scary!

Through perseverance, boundaries (one’s in which my husband and myself have made and stuck to), faith, fights (yep!), and by the grace of God…….we have been able to keep the alcohol under control!  I can honestly say that we (at this date in time) do not have the issues with alcohol addiction.  But that doesn’t mean it can’t rear it’s ugly head at any given time.  But my husband is so much aware of his addictive nature and also does not want it in the house.  Praise be given to the Lord for answered prayers in this area!!

But the addiction is with prescription medications.  At this time we are on a plan to detox from the medications.  If any of you have had any experience with this, you know the absolute nightmare that is about to take place.

Fortunately, my husband is so much on board with this, I’m at least not fighting him on the wishes to be rid of this evil!  He wants it just as bad as I do.  But he is scared to death of this process!!  He has been here once before, lasted 28 days and the guilt of not going any further haunts him every day.  But at that point, the depression that set in scared me to the point that I was so fearful of his well-being.  Currently, I’m on my knees that I can be as helpful as I can be.  Sometimes, well…..most of the time, my patience runs very short during these processes.  And I become very irritable as well!  We both know that I am a crucial part of his detox.  He needs me to be patient and as supportive as I can be.  I too know that I need to be.  Because fighting at this point of the process does not help us get to the end of the race.

I am convinced that prescription medications are an epidemic in our society right now.  Most of us don’t even know just how many are suffering as a result of how readily available these medications are.  It’s a silent killer!!  And it robs everyone involved of the joys in life and has so many consequences.  I have learned so much about this area, that I’m fairly convinced the Lord will use it for his glory.  God never wastes a hurt….right!

I just returned on Monday from a weekend away with my daughter.  We went to West Monroe, LA to a Heartfelt conference where Ms. K Robertson was speaking (among many other incredible Godly women).  This was such a needed time for me to prepare myself for the weeks to come!  Hearing her story, yet again, about how she never gave up on her husband was so needed for me as I enter this phase.  I still maintain the steadfastness of NOT giving up on my husband or our marriage.

Now…..if you would have asked me last week – might have been a different thought process.  I was yet again, at my wits end with this addiction and how it has stolen so much!!  But as we all know, there are valleys and peaks in this journey.  And right now, I have to dig my feet into the foundation of Jesus Christ to be as faithful of a wifely servant as I possibly can!  But I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has a bigger plan and that plan does mean trials.

So I welcome this battle!  And I pray that I will be strong, through the will of God, to see this addiction come to an end and be beat with the glory and grace of God!!  I KNOW God has a bigger plan!!

Depression

Fortunately, I do not suffer from depression.  I have been down and had feelings of depression.  But I know I don’t suffer from “Depression”.

However, I am married to someone who does.  Yep…..my husband.  I’ve always known this.  His family has history with depression as well.

Many times I think his addictions and depression are very parallel.  Each have to be maintained, life changes, eating habits different, continued physical activity – a whole life change in order to keep at bay.

Since I have lived with someone who has depression, I know it is VERY real.  I use to think – “Oh, suck it up, do something to get you out of this funk!”  Nice right?  NO!

I now give him room, try to be as helpful as possible and assist.  Don’t get me wrong, I do get impatient (and I’m working on that too!).  But I also have done, and I’m still doing, A LOT of research to know more about depression.  I certainly wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy!!

This falls into the Lifelong Battle category.  It’s not a quick fix.  It doesn’t just “go away”.  I believe it is stemmed from satan and grows.  I don’t believe individuals who suffer from depression can accomplish a joyful life unless they turn it over to God.  But that is not the only thing needed!

You have to feed your:  Mind / Body / Soul

• Spiritual life with: God/Jesus
• Physical life with: Exercise
• Mental life with: Positive input
• Healthy life with: Nutritious food

I have lectured him on drinking diet pop:)  Huge impact on depression!  I won’t go into all the life-changes we have made right now.  That will be later posts.

But since drinking has not been an issue – his depression has been less.

Vicodin consumption also played a major roll in his depression – both good and bad!  Which makes is so much tougher to get off of.

Saboxone also plays a major roll.

All in another post:)

A Lifelong Battle…….

I know it’s been some time for posting.  Sometimes it takes me a bit of time to collect my thoughts and write about them.

There have been times when I go to the computer and post very “raw” feelings.  Later going back and reading them, I sometimes feel like pulling the words off the blog.  But don’t because that too is a part of my journey.

I don’t change the postings, but I have realized that processing has been very beneficial.  This is a trait that I have learned, it doesn’t come natural to me.  Most often I try to do the “24-hour” test.  That is waiting at least 24 hours to reply, respond or collect my feelings and thoughts.

Over the past 4+ years (since JD’s going to treatment) the drinking has been almost a non-issue.  What I mean by this is……he does not drink at home, he does not drink around the kids, and we have gone out on occasion and had some drinks – I feel this has been manageable.  He has been with his brother, or other past drinking friends and on occasion he has had more than I would think would be acceptable.  However, drinking has not been an issue in our home.

However, that doesn’t mean the battle doesn’t still continue.  In my next postings, these are the things I will cover regarding our battles.

1. Vicodin/Oxycodone
2. Suboxone
3. Extended family members
4. Immediate family members

I will be adding some pages for reference, of the self educating I have done on the first 2 topics.

You’ve probably already guessed it……..the battle has been with prescription drugs.  An industry that I think is so corrupt that these doctors are just glorified drug dealers.  These days, the quick fix for things is to prescribe pills.  There is defiantly blame on individuals who use this market as well.

I have loved receiving all the comments and responses from anyone who has found this site and knows they are NOT alone!

Ecclesiastes 4:9 (NLT)

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.