So……

You know when you’ve tried just about everything you know possible to help, researched every area of the World Wide Web, books, and individuals to find out WHAT in the world to do!?!?!?

Well……that’s where I’m at right now!  Just wait…..it’ll probably change tomorrow.  Heck, it’ll probably change in the next hour!

Isn’t that how we all feel?  Like every part of our lives typically change with the wind?

I’ve been involved in 2 Bible studies.  One for many months.  It began as an 11 week study, but it has transpired into a group of 4 women and has been so good!  We have come to realize we are just all hot messes doing life together!

The other study I’m leading and my daughter is also involved.  This also has been amazing!  So praise God!!

These women have encouraged me, lifted me up and been my support line.  Other than God!

I have been completely transparent about my life and the hot mess it is.  If you know the song “Even If” by Mercy Me……that’s me and my life!  I usually cry every time I hear it.

With all that being said, my life does change on a dime.  And navigating it lately has been so overwhelming!  So much so that I did end up going to the hospital.  Which if you knew me personally, you would know it was pretty serious for me to go in!  I DON’T LIKE HOSPITALS OR DOCTORS!  AND I don’t have the time to be the one ill and on my back in a hospital bed!  REALLY….everything will completely fall apart!

So what’s going on?  Remember how I just mentioned research and doing just about anything?

Well…..that’s what we did.  The just about anything!

Hoping to have results and move past the absolute destruction of addiction issues.  Past the addiction of prescription medications.  Move forward to……well SOMETHING different!

I’m losing my mind!  (Even with my Bible study gals!). I feel so trapped!  Trapped in a life that doesn’t seem to ever change, or even let up!  Trapped in a constant state of chaos!  Trapped with a feeling of no hope!

I truly thought that the most recent treatment was going to change our life!  My disappointment in the fact that it hasn’t is so devastating!

There ARE some positives to it!  TRULY….there are!  JD is not on any of the following and has no desire:

Suboxone

OxyContin

Kratom

Alcohol

But he still has extreme and debilitating depression.  Which he has been taking medication for this for the past 18 years.  And recently he started taking Vyvance (Adderall) again because he had no energy or desire to do ANYTHING!

However, he still has NO desire to do anything.  Or he is too depressed.  Or his body hurts too bad to do anything.

However, I do seem to be able to run our business, homeschool 2 of our children, involved in 2 Bible studies & try to maintain some order to the house…..all the while having numerous migraines and stress related anxiety!

This is why I’m losing it!  Because I just can’t maintain it!

I have such resentment and anger inside because of all this!  And he gets upset with me because he feels as if I don’t care about how he feels.  I truly do….but I am at capacity to even have time to care for myself.

I have prayed so much about what to do…..and I don’t have any direction or answers.

I really feel so alone!  I can’t share anything with my husband because he can’t “handle” any type of stress.  So I just hold it all in!

And then end up in the hospital!  That’s actually not funny….but true!  And all the while I was there (a whole 4 hours!!) I kept thinking about ALL the stuff I could be doing!!

I really can’t wait until the day in heaven to know why He hasn’t moved these mountains!  I know there is a reason!  I know He’s at work!  And I know he doesn’t waste a hurt!

Battling the beast – days 6 thru 31

Oh my…..how time flies!

We are still going strong on the battle!  The days after day 6 were steady.  Not much to report on.  He continued to take all the supplements as we had planned.  There were some days where his despair and depression were worse and he would take it easy and increase some of the supplements a little.  But it was very manageable!

We had lunch with our previous pastor, who is a dear friend and we are involved in his ministry.  He has also been our marriage counselor and without him and his marriage ministry, my husband and I would probably be divorced by now.  I know the endless prayers and support he has provided to us and for us has been a life saver – TRULY!  An absolute blessing from The Lord!

During lunch, he commented on how great we both looked.  How we just looked to have more life and light in us.  We just looked like we were in a good place.  There also has been a couple of times that other individuals have noticed how good my husband looked.  And from individuals who have no idea what has been going on.  You know……the behind the scenes that most people don’t know about!

Then came day 27!  This was also the day during his first try to rid the Suboxone and couldn’t push thru.  This was also a time where we were not as educated and informed.

The despair, depression and physical attributes of this drug started rearing it’s ugly head!  This did not surprise me due to the fact of how Suboxone stays in one’s system for some time.

Flu like symptoms had set in.  Throwing up, body aches, restless leg syndrome, irritability, etc.

It was my birthday yesterday, and even though it was not a great day in general…..I’m okay with it!  I know that this process is so worth it and it will be the greatest birthday present having this be behind us and looking to the future of being clean!

I also know, without a shadow of doubt, this would not be working – and working as well as it has been – without The Lord!  My husband’s faith and time with The Lord has never been stronger!  And this is so refreshing!!  It is through this faith that we are able to do this together, as a team and have seen the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m a bit concerned, he leaves for out of town on Tuesday and it can be rough traveling.  Especially if these symptoms are still present.  But I have faith!

Blessings!!

Alli

Battling “the beast” Day 4-5

I stand here again……in complete awe!  His love is never ending!!!!

I can say this right now because I have been in the deepest of despair and felt He was so far away.  And I have been in a place before where His presence was so magnificent that when we were through that season in life, I had what’s called an Elijah experience:

It’s when we have had great spiritual benefits

This was how it was for Elijah. He had had a great experience on the mountain. (Read 1 Kings 18:16-39.) What a great success it had been! God had showed his power and greatness. Elijah must have felt great excitement. He was so happy. Then it came…the depression!

I vividly remember this a short time after my middle aged son was born prematurely.  He was born @ 1lb. 12oz. – 26 weeks gestation and was in the hospital for 3 months.  This was surprisingly a very peaceful time.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was going to be okay.  This time was so powerful with the “presence” of Jesus.  And if only we could just remain in this state for the entire time we are here on earth.  But that is not the plan.  Turmoil does exist and we are to keep pressing in on Him to give us strength, perseverance, endurance and HOPE!

So today…….at the end of day 5 – I am elated!  I know not to rest on this, because the evil one is hiding just behind the corner.  But I want to take this moment to give praise!

My husband has made it through the initial hard part.  We have done our research to the best means possible to safely and effectively kick opiate medications and have completely surrendered to God!  Now…..as I was talking with my husband, not sure if it’s due to the supplements and regimen we have him on, the stronger faith we both have right now or both.  Our answer….both!  You cannot stand before me and tell me that my husband being fully functional to go into the office BUT also being of such sound mind as he is right now has nothing to do with the power of God!!  When he came home he mentioned it was so different.  The clouded mind fog was not there.  He was very productive and got so much done!  I’M SPEECHLESS!!  I’m filled with…….oh my gosh….joy!  I will soak this in right now!

In addition, he also does not crave the same foods.  Before, each night, he would CRAVE sugar!  Now it’s healthy and salty foods.  Oh what drugs and medications can do to your body!

Yes….there is still depression.  But he has said it is not the complete despair he has felt before.  He does suffer from depression and is on medication for that.  But the depression as a result of withdrawing from prescription medications is different.  I can’t relate and I don’t know just how to explain, other than what he tells me.  And what I see in his face and behavior.  But I’m not fearful of what lies ahead.

 

Battling “The beast” Day 3

Well….it’s been over 72 hours.

This is the time where the severe depression and despair sets in!  This is the beginning of what scares my husband to death!!

He’s feeling it today and says his emotions are all over the place.  Mostly down and depressed.  He says he is even crying a lot!

We started with another new supplement today.  One that is suppose to curb the withdrawals and help with the process.  But this couldn’t be taken until a minimum of 72 hours after being off of Suboxone.

He is still spending much time in the War Room.  Which is so very good!!  Praise God for His faithfulness!!

I feel His presence here as I have been able to stay supportive, calm and caring!  I even asked my husband if he thought I was being patient and supportive?   He did say, “yes!”  Because I do not have a great track record in this area.  I get anxious and lose my patience:(  I do have to admit that I don’t have the best bedside manners.  I tend to become impatient with individuals (even with myself) if they become too needy, or are sick/ill for a long period of time.  Idk…..maybe it’s because I’m a Mom and don’t usually have the time to be sick or ill?  But I also tend to get over things (pretty much most emotional or sick type of things) rather quickly.  Don’t have time to bleed!  Probably not really healthy in the long run?!  I know this about myself, have recognized it, and try to do better at this.  Because sometimes it can appear as though I have no feelings.  Anyhow…..enough about me!

I’m ready for day 4!  I have thought about going from room-to-room in my home with my Bible and praying in each and every room.  Cleansing it!  Yep…..think that’s what I will do on day 4.  There is NO room here for satan, the beast or anything that might interfere with God’s plans!

Blessings to all!!!!!

Battling “The beast” Day 2

The battle is manageable.  But we know what is called “shelf life”, which is how long the Suboxone actively stays in the system is called 1/2 shelf life.  What this means is, after the first 72 hours, it really reeks havoc on the receptors in your brain and body!  This is where it get extremely tough and can, in fact, last months.  Everyone is different.  Even when you stop taking it, it stays in your system for quite some time.  That’s why it’s so hard to just stop.  Even after the first 72 hours, it still rears it’s ugly head.

These medications attach to your receptors and quite frankly your brain and nerve endings.  So as the body is not being supplied the substance (in pill form), and your body is NOT use to producing what is natural to our receptors due to the medications doing it for so long, your body in reality does not know what to do.  The medications have masked what the body is suppose to do, and you are left with a body that is so completely out of sync it doesn’t know what to do.  It’s misfiring and the pain that goes through your body is sometimes unbearable.  I prepared a bath with Epsom salt to help pull out toxins.  Seemed to help a little.

But today, still taking natural supplements to help with this process has so far proven to be beneficial.  He has not slept as much as I thought he would and in my opinion…..this has been better than the first time.  But he is scared to death of what he knows is coming…….the despair and depression is so bad!  This is what he fears the most.  He has told me it’s like he has voices in his head that just won’t go away.  The despair is so great that he doesn’t want to live.  The main difference this time is his faith!  Last time, he was not as solid and I continue to pray that he will dive deeper for the refuge in The Lord!

However, we did have a little episode where we couldn’t find the remote!  This in general is quite a frustrating, seemingly ongoing occurrence:)  – that’s why companies make small devices to attach to your remote to help find it!  (I think we need one!!) But this time, he did lose his temper.  That’s okay!  It was bedtime for our youngest.  We went to bed.  My husband went downstairs and I think he went into the War Room.  Not sure?  I did hear some slamming of doors and items for a short time.  I didn’t interfere!  And it would not be very smart if I thought something like this wouldn’t have taken place.  It’s part of the process!  I feel as if it was handled in the best means possible!  We all fell asleep and there were no fights!  WAS NOT going to go there…..wouldn’t have been worth it!  No reason to!  I prayed for him to be filled with the Holy Spirit and me to have compassion and patience.  That’s what took place:)  Praise God!

I’m ready for Day 3!!  Usually day 3 is the worst!  The body really goes into overdrive with withdrawal effects!  But we are prepared!!  We continue to pray!

Battling “The beast” Day 1

The first day is usually okay.  Not too many withdrawal effects start happening on this day.  Mostly just being very shivery cold then sweating hot.  The feeling of the flu is probably the best to describe it.  Very achy.  We have purchased a supplement to help with the withdrawal.  He started taking this a couple of days beforehand so his body could already have a head start.

It was also nice that there was no one at home during the day, so it was rather quiet in our home.  Something that usually doesn’t happen because we homeschool.  But Friday’s we have classes.  So he was able to sleep much of the day.  This helps tremendously with getting through the detox!

However, I know the worst has not happened!  The last time he threw up quite a bit, had tremors, restless legs and felt as if he was going to climb the walls or wished he could just jump out of his skin.

I continue to pray that I will be supportive, calm, and a help in any way I can.  I continue to remind myself that this is what we “both” wish and I play a vital role in this process.  He NEEDS my support.  And I NEED him off the prescription medications!!

The Battlefield

Okay, so most of you that have read through my postings, know that our battle with “The beast” is with prescription medications which my husband is currently on, and has been taking for a number of years.  This has such a huge affect mentally, physically and emotionally that it has to change.  We have researched the best ways to accomplish this, but the process is very scary!

Through perseverance, boundaries (one’s in which my husband and myself have made and stuck to), faith, fights (yep!), and by the grace of God…….we have been able to keep the alcohol under control!  I can honestly say that we (at this date in time) do not have the issues with alcohol addiction.  But that doesn’t mean it can’t rear it’s ugly head at any given time.  But my husband is so much aware of his addictive nature and also does not want it in the house.  Praise be given to the Lord for answered prayers in this area!!

But the addiction is with prescription medications.  At this time we are on a plan to detox from the medications.  If any of you have had any experience with this, you know the absolute nightmare that is about to take place.

Fortunately, my husband is so much on board with this, I’m at least not fighting him on the wishes to be rid of this evil!  He wants it just as bad as I do.  But he is scared to death of this process!!  He has been here once before, lasted 28 days and the guilt of not going any further haunts him every day.  But at that point, the depression that set in scared me to the point that I was so fearful of his well-being.  Currently, I’m on my knees that I can be as helpful as I can be.  Sometimes, well…..most of the time, my patience runs very short during these processes.  And I become very irritable as well!  We both know that I am a crucial part of his detox.  He needs me to be patient and as supportive as I can be.  I too know that I need to be.  Because fighting at this point of the process does not help us get to the end of the race.

I am convinced that prescription medications are an epidemic in our society right now.  Most of us don’t even know just how many are suffering as a result of how readily available these medications are.  It’s a silent killer!!  And it robs everyone involved of the joys in life and has so many consequences.  I have learned so much about this area, that I’m fairly convinced the Lord will use it for his glory.  God never wastes a hurt….right!

I just returned on Monday from a weekend away with my daughter.  We went to West Monroe, LA to a Heartfelt conference where Ms. K Robertson was speaking (among many other incredible Godly women).  This was such a needed time for me to prepare myself for the weeks to come!  Hearing her story, yet again, about how she never gave up on her husband was so needed for me as I enter this phase.  I still maintain the steadfastness of NOT giving up on my husband or our marriage.

Now…..if you would have asked me last week – might have been a different thought process.  I was yet again, at my wits end with this addiction and how it has stolen so much!!  But as we all know, there are valleys and peaks in this journey.  And right now, I have to dig my feet into the foundation of Jesus Christ to be as faithful of a wifely servant as I possibly can!  But I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has a bigger plan and that plan does mean trials.

So I welcome this battle!  And I pray that I will be strong, through the will of God, to see this addiction come to an end and be beat with the glory and grace of God!!  I KNOW God has a bigger plan!!

Been Too Long!

I know it has been a VERY long time since my last post.  I have been to the site and ready to post….but found it very overwhelming due to how much has transpired.  But I have had many wonderful individuals reach out and ask how things are going.  So…..in many following posts I will give updates.  Making sure I have all the events in a correct timeline order.

However, I will give a brief update as to how I’m/we are doing overall.

This past year has been, overall, good!  I’m going to bulletpoint the good and bad and then write specific posts regarding each area.  (Of course not all at once:)

I’m starting off with the bad, because I want to leave on a good note.

The Bad:

• JD is still on prescription medication.
• Our fighting has escalated to a new (not good) level. (Less fighting though.)
• My anger has increased to a not-so-good level.
• JD’s level of energy and sleeping is still an issue.
• Business has suffered as a result.
• Have uncovered more theft from employees at our business.
• Our marriage almost came to an end.
• Past hurts with family continue to creep in. (From the neighbors and family from CA.)
• I have struggled with my faith very deeply.  This past year I feel as though I have questioned my faith more than ever.
• Both of our health has declined and life is catching up to us at a very fast pace.

The Good:

• We are still together/married!
• We have been going to Christian marriage counseling.
• We are in the process of selling one of our companies.
• We don’t fight as much.
• War room was created (in an closet in the office/schoolroom)
• JD’s time with The Lord & faith has skyrocketed.
• JD uses the War Room pretty much daily.
• JD has surrendered and continues to strive for a better life.
• Communication and contact has happened with family members who we have had the strained relationship with for the last 6ish years.
• JD & I communicate WAY more.
• I see a light at the end of the tunnel.
• We are in the mode of simplifying.  Focusing on what God’s plans are for us.

Well….that is pretty much “in a nutshell” of what I will continue to write/post in more detail.  As you can see, God does answer prayers and I have quite a bit of “good” on my list.

As I was sitting here thinking, I asked myself the question: Why have I not posted much and how come it has been so long?

Well…..I do know I have been over-the-top busy with everything, but that still is not an excuse!  I mean…..I have time to Candy Crush – right?!

I came to this conclusion: When things are going good – or better – our human nature is to not go deeper, to let off the gas.  Kind of like when life is going good, we tend to not dive into The Lord as much.  We tend to not go to the well for help as much.  For me, this is not a good thing!  For me, I need to develop the habit of consistency.  Consistency helps to maintain balance.  And it’s also really important to document and remember the times that are going good and to reflect with thanksgiving on these times as well.

I hope each and everyone of you can find pease this Christmas!

Over this past year my theme has been: “Let It Go!”  (Yes, I too start singing the Disney song:). But really……..I have grown in this area so much.  It has not been easy!!!!  I like to have control!  I like to control things, situations and outcomes!!  So to “Let It Go” 0r “Let Go & Let God!” – this has truly been a lifesaver.  Because to be honest, I never had the final say: He did!  I had, and still have to, trust like I’ve never trusted before.  One thing we learned (among many things) in counseling is: You are responsible 2 – not 4 (and you can fill in the blank).  So…..you are responsible 2 your husband, not 4 him.  You are responsible 2 your family members, not 4 them.

Have a Blessed Christmas!

Alli

Adderall

The lifelong battle…….I’m not sure if we will ever be far enough away from any type of addictive substance or behavior?  The difference is just how impacting it is.

The new drug of addiction is Adderall.  He’s 50, his psychiatrist prescribed Adderall and gave him several different kinds to see which one he liked the best.

First of all……..who in their right mind would give someone who has issues with addictions the wherewithal to be able to monitor his own usage?  Guess what….didn’t work!

Secondly, I was NOT in agreement with him even starting this medication.  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!……….he has gone 50 years without it.  I agree, his system is not working the right way, he is not functioning the way he did when he was 30 and he DOES need things to change for the better.  But more medication is NOT the answer!

I really wish there was an easier way, but medications are a quick answer, for a short time duration.  Whatever happened to finding out WHY someone has these issues?

So against my approval, he went back on the medication.  You would have thought that the first time with feeling seriously sick with body chills, aches and throwing up he would have learned.  But that is the addictive mind.  They think they can “control” whatever it is they feed their body.  Nope…..doesn’t work.  It controls them.

Second go around. Feeling sick, cold sweats, grumpy, etc.  Sure he was productive for a couple of days.  And “yes” it was a breath of fresh air.  But the end result is not worth it.

Now he’s got to get it out of his system.  And guess who pays?  Me!

Last night he seemed to think it was okay to speak his mind with me.  Not in a nice way!  And continued to do so in the morning.  I don’t tolerate it anymore.  I just go and do my own thing.  Or write:)

But I do still continue to look for the alternative to a better way of feeling.  Natural way.  Godly way!

I came across this article (Click Here) article and we both found it to be VERY interesting! I also continue to educate him (and myself) on the damaging effects of drugs and alcohol, and the industry as a whole.