It’s here again!

I had started another post with a great deal of summary updates.  That post is still in progress!

I’m here tonight because I’m here again!

What I mean by that?

In short…….my husband took off tonight and has sent me a text indicating he’s going to end his life.

He’s been battling severe depression lately, went off one substance in hopes of detoxing.  Couldn’t take the debilitating, severe depression and went back on OxyContin as an interim to doing a very radical treatment in which we had hoped it would be a reset to his brain and a road to recovery in addiction.

However, I have been on complete overload!  My plate is more than full with handling so many things that are quite frankly not even humanly possible to carry this type of load.


So, tonight……there was a situation in which JD was suppose to take care of just “one” thing!  Our daughters financial aid in which “he” is the co-signer on!  This means I’m not able to handle this.  And guess what……it’s NOT complete. However, somehow this is MY fault.  I sat there and took his ranting at me, I then proceeded to pack my computer and things I had out and headed out to our RV.  I’m NOT in the mood for this, I have NO energy and I really am not going to do this right now!

His reaction?

He left, headed to our office, sent me the following text:

I was just kidding myself to have felt any hope or that I could just move FORWARD.  The reminders of the past will never end!  I’m done!!!!

And then turned his phone and iPad off.  Knowing this is how I track him.

He also turned all the security cameras at the office off.

And he’s not located at the office.  My daughter wanted to go check to see if he was there.

In all honesty…….I really can’t do this anymore!  I can’t wrap my entire world around the fear of his taking his own life.  It’s completely debilitating and very cruel.

He has now tried, or threatened suicide 6 times now.  And one in very recent past.  Police were involved, he went to the hospital and they didn’t seem it necessary to keep him.  That’s another post to detail the event!

But seriously, I’m numb!  I prayed with my daughter and truly surrendered this to The Lord!  I can’t do this anymore, I have absolutely NO power to do anything if he’s set on taking his life.  I’ve been down this road so many times and know that it ends up back at this point. Unless JD gets help…..we will continue to end up here.

And I’m powerless.  And I surrender!!


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3 responses to “It’s here again!

  • karazdeg

    I read your post and my heart is very heavy. I am so sorry! I hate the cycle of addiction – it is vile and ugly. Dear lord I lift up my sister to you and ask that you pour out a fresh anointing on her – please wrap her in your arms and give her rest and peace. Love you and will keep you, your hubby and family in my prayers. ~K

    • wivesforchrist

      Thank you!
      Prayer is one of the only things that has kept me going!! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in our WarRoom, even with my children, on my knees, in The Word praying over my husband so many times! This year has been a long year!
      Thank you for keeping us in your prayers!
      How about you? Any prayer requests?

      • karazdeg

        There truly is so much power in prayer! Sometimes it is so very hard to keep believing that this time is the time they will turn from the addiction and truly be free. I would say my prayer request is for complete freedom for my husband, Victor. I found him drunk at the bar a few weeks ago. That was not fun! His relapse had started about 5 months prior and was slowly building to his “binge”. I wanted him to move out but have agreed to go to marriage coaching. He is also taking the steps needed to start a treatment program at the VA. The Dr had discussed putting him on a drug called naltrexone. I did a lot of reading about what it is and how it works. ..I like what I have read so far. He wants to get the shot (instead of taking the pill form). We shall see. Time is always side with him. His words mean nothing to me – time for action and frankly he is pretty terrible at following through. It can get very frustrating! Hence my prayer request. .. complete freedom! I hate this beast of addiction.

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