I had started another post with a great deal of summary updates. That post is still in progress!
I’m here tonight because I’m here again!
What I mean by that?
In short…….my husband took off tonight and has sent me a text indicating he’s going to end his life.
He’s been battling severe depression lately, went off one substance in hopes of detoxing. Couldn’t take the debilitating, severe depression and went back on OxyContin as an interim to doing a very radical treatment in which we had hoped it would be a reset to his brain and a road to recovery in addiction.
However, I have been on complete overload! My plate is more than full with handling so many things that are quite frankly not even humanly possible to carry this type of load.
I’m BURNT OUT!
So, tonight……there was a situation in which JD was suppose to take care of just “one” thing! Our daughters financial aid in which “he” is the co-signer on! This means I’m not able to handle this. And guess what……it’s NOT complete. However, somehow this is MY fault. I sat there and took his ranting at me, I then proceeded to pack my computer and things I had out and headed out to our RV. I’m NOT in the mood for this, I have NO energy and I really am not going to do this right now!
He left, headed to our office, sent me the following text:
I was just kidding myself to have felt any hope or that I could just move FORWARD. The reminders of the past will never end! I’m done!!!!
And then turned his phone and iPad off. Knowing this is how I track him.
He also turned all the security cameras at the office off.
And he’s not located at the office. My daughter wanted to go check to see if he was there.
In all honesty…….I really can’t do this anymore! I can’t wrap my entire world around the fear of his taking his own life. It’s completely debilitating and very cruel.
He has now tried, or threatened suicide 6 times now. And one in very recent past. Police were involved, he went to the hospital and they didn’t seem it necessary to keep him. That’s another post to detail the event!
But seriously, I’m numb! I prayed with my daughter and truly surrendered this to The Lord! I can’t do this anymore, I have absolutely NO power to do anything if he’s set on taking his life. I’ve been down this road so many times and know that it ends up back at this point. Unless JD gets help…..we will continue to end up here.
And I’m powerless. And I surrender!!